Podcast: Don't Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab with Comedian Pam Gaslow

Guest Bio

She’s designed catalogs for J.Crew, performed stand-up comedy, even worked as Henri Bendel’s only female security guard. Pam Gaslow has had an eventful life — including once being threatened by her family with disownment over her Depressed Hot Girl blog — and it’s about to get even more so with her first-person confessional “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab.” It’s a hilarious chronicle of her journey toward sobriety from a toxic marijuana addiction, told with candor, honesty, absurdism, and the trademark wit that has brought her to comedy club stages across the country. The New York-born writer is also a contributor to The Huffington Post, The Good Men Project, The Times of Israel, and Newsbreak. Gaslow, who also works as a mixed-media artist, once owned and designed children’s clothing lines under the brands Pamela Jo (for girls) and Handsome Jack (for boys). Now based in Miami, she is sober and enjoys visiting petting zoos on weekends. For more salacious details and quirky randomness follow her on Instagram @pamgaslow

Inside Mental Health Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, “Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations,” available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author.

Gabe makes his home in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. He lives with his supportive wife, Kendall, and a Miniature Schnauzer dog that he never wanted, but now can’t imagine life without.

To book Gabe for your next event or learn more about him, please visit gabehoward.com.

Episode Transcript

Producer’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Inside Mental Health: A Psych Central Podcast where experts share experiences and the latest thinking on mental health and psychology. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Hey, everyone, I’m your host Gabe Howard and calling into the show today we have Pam Gaslow. Pam is a New York born, Miami based writer, comedian and artist. And Pam used to have a blog called Depressed Hot Girl, but she took that down after her family threatened to disown her. She’s the author of the new book “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab: A Somewhat Comedic Memoir.” Pam, welcome to the show.

Pam Gaslow: Hi. Thanks for having me.

Gabe Howard: I am very excited that you are here because I wrote a book and titled it “Mental Illness Is an Asshole and Other Observations.” And the only thing that I could think of before the book came out was my granny is going to be mad at me because it has a swear word in it. But then your book “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab” makes my title look super tame. Were you worried about pushback over the name from the people closest to you?

Pam Gaslow: Oh, of course. And yeah. Well, unfortunately, all my grandparents are gone. But, um. Yeah, my dad didn’t like the title, and I don’t think my brother did either, but they’re over it. And that’s the title, so. Too bad.

Gabe Howard: There does become a moment, right, when you’re honestly discussing living with addiction and mental illness and things about our past that we’re not so happy with, that you just sort of have to say, Hey, look, I’m not writing it for you, I’m writing it for me. But these are difficult moments for people who choose to discuss these topics publicly. And you mentioned that Depressed Hot Girl, your blog you did take down because of family pressure. How did that all work itself out so that you were able to get from taking down my blog because of my family to, hey, look, it’s my story. This I’m owning it. Get over it.

Pam Gaslow: Well, at the time when I had the blog, which was several years ago, there were like other things going on with my family and then when they found out about the blog, yeah, they weren’t happy. So, I just stopped updating it. And eventually I took it down because I was like, well, not a girl anymore anyway. So, I’m getting a little old to call myself a girl. And several years passed and just a few things changed and I was like, Yeah, I’m just writing this book because I’m not getting any younger and I don’t really care what they think and I don’t bash anybody. And it’s actually funny and informative. So, if you can really get past the title is really, you know, it’s really not about vibrators anyway. So

Gabe Howard: [Laughter]

Pam Gaslow: Yeah, I think, I think it has a good message. It’s just a title that’s, you know, a little crazy.

Gabe Howard: I love the title and I love the use of comedy because it makes the scary more available. I mean, could you imagine a book called “I Went Through Hell and It Scared Me and I’m Traumatized?” Like, who would find hope in that? Yeah.

Pam Gaslow: Exactly.

Gabe Howard: All right, Pam, I have to know, did you bring a vibrator to rehab? Is that where the title came from?

Pam Gaslow: I love when people ask me that. No, I did not bring a vibrator to rehab. The way I came up with the title is I was researching different treatment centers and they send you information and they all have a list of things that you can and cannot bring. And one of them on the list said, you cannot bring teddy bears, which I found odd, first of all, that an adult would bring a teddy bear to rehab. But I thought maybe people had drugs in it or something. I don’t know. And I thought, okay, I’m going to call it don’t bring your teddy bear to rehab. But then when I continued on the search and another place on their list of things not to bring it said sexual devices. So, I was like, Oh, forget the teddy bear. I’m going to just call it “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab.” So, I went with that and I’m happy I did.

Gabe Howard: I’m happy that you did, too. It is absolutely a captivating title. And it makes people think. Right. I just that sincerely, when I first saw it, I thought, well, one, I thought, well, why not? And also, why can’t you bring a teddy bear like, forget about the vibrator for. I’m really confused as to why you can’t bring a teddy bear. I just. There

Pam Gaslow: I’m telling you, I think that people had drugs in them and I’m like, well, they could just search the teddy bear, too, like they search humans. But I don’t really know. I didn’t ask.

Gabe Howard: I do not have a teddy bear, but on behalf of everybody who has a teddy bear that can’t bring it to rehab, I’m with you. I stand with you. I will fight for you to get Ted E. Bear or whatever you named your teddy bear. Mine is Ted E. Bear because I was an unoriginal child.

Pam Gaslow: Well, that was only one rehab, by the way. Just don’t go to that rehab. Find another one that allows it.

Gabe Howard: Just don’t go to that rehab. So other rehabs allow teddy bears.

Pam Gaslow: Yeah, I think so.

Gabe Howard: But it seems like no rehabs allow vibrators.

Pam Gaslow: I only saw that on one rehab as well. So, you can do your research if you want to bring your teddy bear or your vibrator or you can . .

Gabe Howard: Now, the book chronicles your life with addiction. Let’s start sort of at the beginning, not the beginning of the book. At the beginning of your life, what made you realize that you needed help?

Pam Gaslow: When I was 26 was when I first got sober and I think I always knew I needed help. It was never like I was never doing great drinking and getting high, but it wasn’t so bad that I was like I didn’t have, like, massive consequences, so I wasn’t really taking any action to stop. And then somebody came into my life who had already lost everything, who was someone that grew up in the same area that I did. And I really could relate to him way more than I could relate to a therapist giving me, telling me what to do. So, this is someone that I saw myself in, or my potential future self who had lost everything, was divorced, had no one was talking to him. And he’s also super funny and cool. And he we hung around a lot and he was basically told me that I was an addict and that I needed help and that I should go to AA. And for some reason I listened to him and. And I did.

Gabe Howard: It sounds like the first experience you had with getting any help was going to support groups. What was that like for you?

Pam Gaslow: My first AA meeting. I remember that. I guess I was scared. But it was small. And I remember ironically, the woman who shared was talking about being like in an obsessive relationship. And I identified with that. And also realized that I was kind of hopeless and wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t happy to be going to AA but I stuck with it and I did identify and I was like, I think this is the right path for me because the path I’m on is going nowhere. Because I was just. I was tired of being really unhappy every time I drank.

Gabe Howard: But I go back to the title of your book, “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab.” Did you go to rehab?

Pam Gaslow: Yes. I went to rehab twice. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 26 years. So, times that I relapse, I relapse on pot. When I first got sober, I stayed sober like seven and a half years from the time I just described when I first went to a meeting and then I relapsed. So, I went to rehab when I was 38 and I stayed sober eight years. And then I went to rehab again when I was 48. And that’s the stint that I write about in the book that relapse and from what happened at that point.

Gabe Howard: Let’s talk about your time at the rehab facility. What was that like from the moment that you walked in? What were you thinking? What was going through your mind?

Pam Gaslow: I was absolutely dreading it. I did not want to go, but I knew like I had to go. I was completely miserable. Like, I mean, I smoked literally until the second I walked in the door because they didn’t make me detox because I, quote, only smoked weed. There is a detox for weed. I mean, for someone who smokes as much as I did. So, I really should have been put in a detox. But anyway, I just took full advantage and I’m like, okay, well, I’m just going to smoke outside the front door of this place. And I remember checking in, my mother took me and I went. She left and they took my phone away. I was just sitting in a room by myself for like a half hour, and it was probably like the longest half hour of my life because like every minute that passed, like, I was getting, like, more sober, you know, like it was kind of like wearing off and it was absolutely just dreadful. And then the first few days were like, horrific. And I was just coming down from being high in a place where you don’t know anyone. It’s a strange environment. Like, I feel it as I’m telling the story. It’s literally hell. And even though it was only marijuana, to me mentally, it was just really dark. And I had a panic attack the first night there, and I threw up in front of like an entire room full of patients.

Pam Gaslow: And it was embarrassing. And I really wanted to leave. And I just I remember just like thinking, I’m just I’m going to leave. And I thought to myself, well, where are you going to go? Like you’re going to go back home and continue getting high? For how long? You know, like you’re 48 years old. What are you going to do? Like you can’t stop. And it was like that moment that I realized that the fear of staying with or the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving. So, I realized I was stuck and it was just pretty shitty and but you know, each day it got a little better. And I also couldn’t really eat anything and my stomach was messed up and it was just sad. I was just very, very like, when you check into a treatment center, you’re kind of at the lowest place in your life because nobody goes there on a winning streak. It’s not a fun experience. So, it was really, really hard and I didn’t want to talk to people, but eventually I did and it got easier. Each day got easier. It was better.

Gabe Howard: Yeah. I don’t think anybody registers for rehab instead of a cruise or a vacation, it’s like, Hey, do we want to go on a cruise or do we want to go to rehab? Well, I mean, let’s weigh the pros and cons. Both all inclusive.

Pam Gaslow: Yeah. Well, I joked about that because when I was looking at how much they cost, I was like making comparisons. I’m like, What can I do with this money? And I’m like, Well, I could go here and I could go there, but I’m still not going to get sober. Right?

Gabe Howard: Yeah. Money is a real barrier to many people being able to get help for many things. Unfortunately, the way that we handle health care in this in this country, in America is not always the best. People are making these choices. And in some cases, it’s not between, you know, rehab or a vacation. It’s between needed medical care and food. So I know that that you’ve described it, you know, you’re fortunate that you were able to get help in the first place. But there is that moment, right? Because it’s not a fun thing to choose to do. And then you’ve got this money on top of it.

Pam Gaslow: Mm hmm.

Gabe Howard: What tipped the scale for you?

Pam Gaslow: It is kind of sad because I know a lot of people like don’t go to therapy because it’s too expensive and stuff like that and it’s like, you know, I’m not cheap with certain things and I’m going to be cheap with my mental health. Like, no, I didn’t have a choice because I needed it. I was throwing up. I’m marijuana toxicity, you know, I didn’t have a choice. Like I had no other way of getting sober. I needed to be physically removed from my environment and break the cycle and break the habit. So, it just it just was something I 100% need it.

Sponsor Message: Hey everyone, my name is Rachel Star Withers and I live with schizophrenia. I’m also the host of Inside Schizophrenia, a podcast that dives deep into all things schizophrenia. Featuring personal experiences and experts to help you better understand and navigate schizophrenia, Inside Schizophrenia is a Psych Central and Healthline Media podcast and we are available right now on your favorite podcast player. Check us out!

Gabe Howard: We’re back with Pam Gaslow, author of “Don’t Bring Your Vibrator to Rehab: A Somewhat Comedic Memoir.” One of the things that I want to touch on real quick is, you know, we’re hearing a lot about marijuana being legalized in many different states in America. In other countries, it was never illegal. I’m thinking of like Amsterdam, where it’s been legal my entire life. And there’s this contingent of people that are like, Oh, well, you just smoked marijuana. Why is this a bad thing?

Pam Gaslow: Well, first of all, I don’t just smoke pot. I smoke pot 24/7 for two years around the clock. Like I smoke pot before I get out of bed or I got out of bed to smoke pot. You know, I think that, you know, everyone smokes different amounts and some people, if you’re lucky, just use it recreationally and use it and have like a fun time or whatever. But for someone like me who was just so chronically addicted, it’s a different story. You know? It’s like someone who has a drink at dinner or someone who’s drinking, you know, all day long. That’s a different than I think if you’re an addict, then it becomes unmanageable. And that’s how it was for me. And it was destroying my life.

Gabe Howard: I’m always sort of both sad and fascinated at this dismissal that so many people in our society have. It sounds like, from your description, that it was ruining your life. It was it was impeding you from doing the things that you wanted to do. I, I would say that you would need help if the thing that was impeding you is you were reading Harry Potter 24/7. It’s like what mechanism

Pam Gaslow: Right.

Gabe Howard: Is preventing you from moving forward? Now, I know that you’ve said that you’re older now, you’re wiser now. What do you think about everything that you went through from this vantage point? Do you see how it happened? What would you change? What are your thoughts on everything now?

Pam Gaslow: Well, of course, I wish that didn’t happen. Some people asked me that. They’re like, Oh, if you can go back. No, of course I wouldn’t do that. Of course, I wouldn’t torture myself for two years and make myself go to treatment and lose precious time as a human on this earth. But I see my weak spots and I just really do my best to not put myself in a situation that, you know, is potentially dangerous for me. And even though it was several years ago now, I also writing the book and talking about it on a regular basis keeps it new for me because it’s scary. And I think about where I was mentally and emotionally and physically. And it’s scary. It’s really scary. And I said that the first time I went to treatment, I never wanted to go back to treatment. And I hope I never go back it listen, nothing’s guarantee. It’s one day at a time. But it’s very, it’s in the forefront of my mind that that is just not something that works for me. And that I know I can’t have in my life.

Gabe Howard: What was it like opening those wounds from the past in order to write the book? It just seems like picking at a scab, right? It’s like, hey, everything is going well and now you’re messing with it.

Pam Gaslow: No, I didn’t think of it like that. I thought of it as a project and I actually took most of the notes when I was in treatment and while I was going through all the process. So, it was just kind of piecing it all together and making it a coherent piece of work after. So, it was like an exciting project for me and it was, it was pretty much like very soon after. So, it wasn’t like, Oh my God, so traumatizing. Like, I didn’t read a lot of time. It was just like fresh and it was something like, I knew I wanted to write the book before I went there. So, like I said, I was just taking notes along the way and. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: I think many people would hear, Oh, you wanted to write a book before you went there? And they would think that was odd. I want to remind the audience that you’re a performer. You’re a comedian, a writer. I think it’s very typical to look at things like, hey, how can this experience be crafted into my art? Am I putting words in your mouth? Is that what it was like for you? Because I know that I can just hear my father hearing this. And I was like, wait a minute, you were thinking about writing a book when you were in rehab. Who does that? But I would say that’s probably very common for an artist like yourself.

Pam Gaslow: First of all, I am always looking for something for something to write about. And because I had been in treatment at one time prior, I kind of knew what went on there. And I took notes when I was at that place, too. And, you can’t make up what goes on there. And the people are so unique and crazy and funny and the experiences are wild and it’s literally like a reality show that’s actually real. As a writer, I can’t miss this opportunity, you know? Like, I was just like, yes, this is like, what? What you have to do. So, I knew from I knew this this is a really like it was there would be a lot a lot of information and a lot of a lot of funny stories. But yeah, so it was something I wanted to do. I didn’t want to go, but I wanted to write about it.

Gabe Howard: Pam, we know that the subtitle of your book is a somewhat comedic memoir, and you’ve talked about the various funny stories that are that are in the book. I don’t want you to read the book on the air, but what is your favorite funny story that that’s inside your memoir? Is there a funny story that didn’t make it into the book just because it didn’t fit? But you’re like, I love this story.

Pam Gaslow: No, I would I would have put everything in that I thought was funny. I just think also, like as a stoner, the things that happen on a daily basis are funny. They’re just so stupid. You know, like I and there’s just little things like I wrote in the book, like I went shopping for I was looking for a raincoat and I came back with a machete. You know, I found my lip gloss inside an open box of Charleston Chews in my in my cabinet and my kitchen cabinet, like I went to get a Charleston chew and there’s a there’s a lip gloss in there, you know, crazy things. Like, these are stupid, embarrassing things, you know, just I mean, just going on dates and just being like a zombie. That’s not really funny, actually. You know, just those kind of dumb things. But the rehab, the people you meet in rehab and the stories that you hear from them and their life stories and the group sessions and the things that people say. And I was in treatment with like, very young people. And some of it’s just hilarious. It’s crazy.

Gabe Howard: It is crazy and I think that people don’t realize it. If you weren’t laughing, you’d be crying. Right.

Pam Gaslow: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: There’s so much introspection that goes into it. And if you’ve got a personality like yours, I can imagine that your only choice is to turn it into humor. And I, I love that you are sharing that with the world. Pam, when it comes to addiction recovery and people out there who may be listening to this and wondering where they are on the spectrum, if they need help, if they’re just recreational, if they’re going too far, what information do you have to provide to them from your lived experience that might help them decide if they need help?

Pam Gaslow: I think there’s a couple of things. And the first one is, is your life unmanageable? That was the thing for me. Like, my life just had become totally unmanageable and I actually did not have a life. So that was one thing. And the other thing, it’s like when your whole life is about getting high or getting drunk or like finding it and getting it and sneaking it and, you know, all the negative consequences that come with it or it’s just or you’re just mentally just you can’t take anymore. That’s just one sign. And the other sign, like I was on Dr. Drew’s show and he said, you know, when it’s when you’re still doing something that you don’t want to be doing, that is a problem. Like, you know, it’s bad for you. You don’t want to do it and you’re continuing to do it. That’s a that’s a telltale sign.

Gabe Howard: I think that that is incredible advice. Pam, thank you so much for being here. I know that your book is on Amazon and probably where other fine books are sold, but you have a website where people can grab it. What’s that website?

Pam Gaslow: It’s PamGaslow.com G A S L A O W. There’s a link on there to the book.

Gabe Howard: Awesome. And I know that you have social media on there as well. Your Instagram is wonderful. I highly recommend that everybody follow it. And what’s your Instagram handle, Pam?

Pam Gaslow: Pam Gaslow, keeping it really simple here, Gabe.

Gabe Howard: Yeah. It’s so easy.

Pam Gaslow: I’m a genius.

Gabe Howard: Everything is under. This is somebody is in marketing listening to this show.

Pam Gaslow: [Laughter]

Gabe Howard: And like that woman has branding. She is she is she is on it.

Pam Gaslow: I am.

Gabe Howard: Pam, thank you so much for being here.

Pam Gaslow: Thank you.

Gabe Howard: You are very welcome, Pam, and thank you to all of our listeners. My name is Gabe Howard and I am the author of “Mental Illness Is an Asshole and Other Observations.” I’m also an award-winning public speaker who could be available for your next event. My book is on Amazon because everything is or you can grab a signed copy with free show swag or learn more about me by heading over to gabehoward.com. Wherever you downloaded this episode, please follow or subscribe to the show. It is absolutely free. Can you do me a favor? Recommend the show to friends or family, whether it’s word of mouth, social media, email, text messaging. I would appreciate it. I will see everybody next Thursday on Inside Mental Health.

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