“Here is a hypothetical letter written from the point of view of a narcissists True (lost) Self,” writes my friend and fellow blogger, Lucky Otter, in her wonderful article Letter From A Narcissist’s “True Self.” And it is brilliant! She has very kindly allowed me to share her original article with you from her site, Lucky Otters Haven where you will find other excellent writings about narcissism.
Here then, for your reading enjoyment, is Letter From A Narcissist’s “True Self.”
Here is a hypothetical letter written from the point of view of a narcissists True (lost) Self.
The advice given here by the True Self is almost the polar opposite of whatever their False Self would tell you. Thats because their False Self is a lie and isnt who they really are, even though they may have been wearing this mask for so long they can never access their True Self without enormous difficulty or even at all.
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Always follow the advice of their True Self, no matter how much they protest and rage, unless you want further abuse. Its actually the best thing for them if they ever decide to look in the mirror past the lies they show the world (and may have come to believe is the truth)and of course its best for you.
Letter from a Narcissists True Self:
I have lied to you about nearly everything. I am not sorry for this behavior because I cannot empathize with you. I chose narcissism so early in my life that I never had the chance to develop a conscience or the capacity to feel remorse or empathy for the way I hurt you. Still, I know its wrong on an intellectual level. I just cannot feel your pain. Sometimes I wish I could, but I cant.
I became a narcissist because as a child I felt too vulnerable. I was sensitive. I felt too much and most of it was painful. I was made to feel like I was nothing, a nobody. I was hurt, betrayed, abused, just like you. I couldnt understand why I wasnt loved, or why I was treated with contempt and like I didnt matter. I was also never given a good example of how to become a good person. I never had anyone to model in a positive way.
Life was so painful for me I had to do something about it. Something drastic. I had to become strong and never show weakness again, because my weakness was killing me. I was trained that being a sensitive person who feels compassion and remorse, a person who can love others, is a weak person. I know that isnt really the case, but it was how I was trained. I was so young that I couldnt see how wrong that might have been.
I reached a point where I had to make a choice. In order to survive, I had to sacrifice my humanity. I didnt want to do it, but I felt like I had to. I didnt want to be hurt anymore. I had to sell my soul.
In order to sell my soul, I had to shut you and everyone else out. I couldnt allow myself to feel too much. I couldnt allow myself to be sensitive anymore, and that meant I could no longer allow myself to love anyone, feel anyone elses pain or joy, or feel sorry if I did something wrong.
I had to don this mask that I wear, which is a lie. In order to keep that lie intact, I had to treat others badly. I had to diminish you to prop my false self up. I had to hate you in order to love the mask that I show the world, because if I didnt continually prop myself up by making you feel bad, my mask of lies might fall off and expose the real me, a powerless and vulnerable child which I had to protect at all costs, even if it meant destroying everyone else around me. I am a bully but inside I know I am nothing. I act like I love myself but I really hate myself. I only love the mask I wear. I abuse you to protect that mask.
You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable. I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies. I am a walking lie. That is the truth.
I will never let you get close to what I really feel. I dont even know what I feel anymore. Most of the time I feel nothing, because a lie has no feelings. But try to destroy my protective armor, and I will try to destroy you. If I must go down in flames, I am going to take you with me. I will rage and abuse you. I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.
I may seem nice at first or when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or you may leave. I know how to get others to trust meby acting like a nice person. I am good at acting like a nice person but I cant feel a nice persons emotions. Its hard work to act nice, because thats a lie too.
When you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you, because I must keep you at arms length and keep my mask of lies intact at all costs. Both the niceness I show you and the asshole I become are both lies. I cannot even access who I really am. I have forgotten. I just know that my true self is there, somewhere, and I can never, ever, let you meet them.
If you mirror back to me too much of the truth about meif I become aware that you KNOW this mask I always wear is a fakeI will attempt to destroy you or cut you out of my life. I cannot afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me. Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it. It scares me so much to realize how evil I have become. It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me. I hate being evil. I really dont want to be this way but I will never, ever admit that. I cannot ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am. But deep inside, I know I am.
I am still an infant. I never grew up. My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was just a very young child, so I only have the emotional maturity of a child that age. Thats why I cant care about you. Its why I must always have my way. Can a two or three year old care about YOUR feelings? Of course they cant, and like a toddler, I cant either. I am like a mentally challenged person, only my disability isnt mental, its emotional and moral. Im emotionally retarded.
Its hard work keeping up my false self. I am paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed. Its enormously stressful to be a narcissist. Its stressful and often painful, and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.
But still, I hurt all the time. You can hurt me very easily. The only way I dare show my hurt is by projecting it back onto you through my abuse and through my rages. Im a bully because I always hurt so much. But I cant hurt FOR you, only for myself. I cannot afford to hurt for you. Im too busy always licking my own wounds and trying to keep the lie going. I will hurt YOU if I must to keep the lie intact.
As I age, I may soften a little but most likely I wont. I could even become worse. Dont wait for me to change because I most likely never will. Once I chose this life, there was no going back. I chose darkness and once thats done, there is no going back to the light. I sold my soul and theres no way to buy it back, but through the grace of God himself.
If you care about yourself (because I can never care about you), you must leave now. Dont play my games. Ignore me and act like I dont exist. Being treated like I dont exist is the worst thing I can imagine, but if you care about your own survival its what you must do. I will destroy you if you dont. Heed my warning.
Theres even a smalla very smallchance that your abandoning me and taking away the supply I get from you could make me take a look in the mirror for the first time at the lost child I left behind so long ago. If that happens, I will be in so much pain I may seek the help I need. Dont count on it though. Even if I ever seek help, once I start feeling too much pain I will probably leave counseling. Feeling that pain is too terrifying. Its easier to abuse my own mind (and yours) by keeping up the masks and lies…
Dont wait for me to change. I wont. Dont play my games. Even if I rage, hold your ground. Youre stronger than I am. I will never let you know I know this. Dont fall for my lies.
Better yet, leave now. Keep your soul intact. Dont allow me to turn you into a shell of what you used to be or worse, a person like me, even though its what I want.
Used by permission of Lucky Otter. (Thank you!!) Click to read more excellent articles on her site Lucky Otter’s Haven.