Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience youll have in your life. Its wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand.
Just when you think youve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesnt seem to be any relief in sight.
Its absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like youve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.
Its as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul. As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as youand they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.
The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and youve accepted in your heart and soul that its time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.
Its so utterly confusing. Why do they do this?Are they a tortured soulwho is so wounded that they just cant help it? Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?
As a person who loves the narcissist, its usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors. We can identify with what we believe is their inner painbut this is a story we tell ourselves. A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.
There is a reason they do this, but its hard to digest. Sometimes, though, we need the truth because its the one thing that can finally set us free.
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The reason youve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them.
But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but wont let you go easily.
The narcissist views you as a feebleunderling; one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldnt care less about you as a person, they dont want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with youalbeit it a torturous one.
They wont let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.
Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.
They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.
This is why, when you try to make them see how theyre hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, its during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissists personalityand its chilling.
Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.
This is not the case.
They are nothing like you andno amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissists wounded self.
This will never happen and its important to accept this painful truth.
Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors. In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.
Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established. This may be to avoid the narcissists wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist youre not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, its a budding system of enabling.
A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start.
Its vital to understand that when the narcissist is being nice, its an integrated part of the abuse. A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self. The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.
Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alivethe illusion that things can be like they were before.
This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.
If you go along with this mirage, youll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes theyve found water in the desert, only to find theyve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.