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My Boyfriend’s Mother Insists on Sleeping with Him

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From a young woman in the U.S.:  So, I recently discovered that my 27 year-old boyfriend sleeps with his mother. Now, the issue here is that it’s his mom who leaves her bedroom where she sleeps with her husband and goes to his 27-year-old son’s room to sleep with him. She says is because her husband’s snores don’t let her sleep. But they have been married for more than 20 years!

I’m just shocked that a full grown up man sleeps with his mother for whatever reason. OK. The thing is that his parents live with him, since he pays for the rent and everything else. But still, it still feels like his parents’ house and I just can’t deal with the idea that every time after I visited him (I live in another country) she goes and sleeps with him, on the same bed where I had sex with him.

I just wish to understand this situation. Because, I had to sleep with my mother too, though the last time was years ago. I tried to talk to him about this but he gets defensive. And it is not the idea of them sleeping together, but that his mother prefer to sleep with his son rather than with his husband.

One time she told me “Then where I am suppose to sleep now?” I was baffled. Was I suppose to invite her to sleep with me and her son? Is it me being weird? Or is this a weird situation? What should I do? I get mixed feelings about this because, OK, it is his mother but he is a fully-grown male. He usually wakes up with an NPT (normal erection on waking)! I know it is not sexual, but isn’t it awkward? Shouldn’t mother respect their children’s privacy?
I just don’t know what to do.

My Boyfriend’s Mother Insists on Sleeping with Him

Answered by on -

A.

I understand why this makes you uncomfortable. I don’t understand why your boyfriend isn’t more responsive to your feelings about it. Surely, there are other ways to handle the situation.

I do sympathize with his mother’s inability to sleep with someone snoring up a storm beside her. But it puzzles me why this family hasn’t thought of other ways to handle it. Has your boyfriend’s father talked to a doctor about his snoring. It could be that he has sleep apnea, for example. If so, it can be treated so the snoring stops. If his snoring isn’t that loud, but his wife is hypersensitive to what he does, can she wear earplugs? Is there room in the house for another bed? How about a futon couch that can be made into a bed for mother, when she has to escape her husband’s snoring? Can the family afford a larger apartment so mother can have her own room to retreat to? All those are practical ideas that I hope have been explored.

If every practical solution is rejected, then I’m concerned that there may be something else going on. You didn’t mention whether there is a cultural expectation which has to be considered or whether it is possible that there are other reasons that his mother doesn’t want to be with her husband at night. If so, those issues need to be dealt with.

Regardless, what concerns me most is that your boyfriend gets “defensive” if you try to talk to him about the situation. If the two of you are serious, he needs to take your feelings seriously. And you need to find ways to approach an issue that doesn’t feel to him like an attack.

You two are in the early stages of a relationship. For it to deepen, you both need to find ways to be comfortable together when talking about uncomfortable concerns. I assure you, this won’t be the only issue where you disagree. Learning how to solve problems together is how two people learn to be a couple.

I imagine, for example, that at some point you’ll need to talk about finances and whether he can continue to support his parents and contribute to the support of a wife and young family. There are probably issues about you that he finds troublesome as well. I hope you will both find the courage and the love to start talking about the things that matter as you move forward in your relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Boyfriend’s Mother Insists on Sleeping with Him

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APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). My Boyfriend’s Mother Insists on Sleeping with Him. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/05/31/my-boyfriends-mother-insists-on-sleeping-with-him/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 26 May 2020 (Originally: 31 May 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 26 May 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.