If you’re unsatisfied with the quality of your marriage, you may be considering leaving your spouse. The decision to leave is ultimately up to you, but there are several things to consider before you do.
Marriage does not always go smoothly. You or your spouse may start to feel like you have grown apart, fallen out of love, or lost your spark.
In some cases, you may be able to rekindle romance, but in others, leaving or deciding to separate may be the best option.
Divorce is the legal process of separating from your spouse that includes:
- debts
- caring for children
- living arrangements
- making plans for finances
Reasons for divorce can vary between areas and tend to fluctuate over time. According to a 2022 study focused on women who initiate the decision to divorce, the top reasons listed for divorce include:
- growing apart
- increased interdependence
- unconventional gender roles
- gaining individual financial stability
- unequivocal support in caring for children
No matter what your reasoning for contemplating divorce, there are several considerations to think about before filing for divorce. These can include but are not limited to:
- A separation or trial separation: Sometimes a bit of space can help clarify how you and your spouse feel. Separation can mean different things to different people, so make sure to discuss what it means to you and your spouse before taking this step.
- Potential impacts on your financial situation: You and your spouse will need to decide how to divide up assets and debts. You will also likely move from a two-income situation to a single income, which could mean a reduced standard of living.
- Changes to family dynamics: If you have children, it’s important to consider their emotional and mental well-being throughout the process. You will also ultimately need to decide on how custody will work, visitations, and support for their needs.
- Support from a qualified professional: You may want to consult a divorce lawyer before taking any formal steps for divorce. They may be able to advise you on any state-specific laws and regulations and the best options for you.
You can take steps to manage difficulties in your marriage before considering divorce.
No single method or combination of methods works for everyone. Your marriage may still end, but some things can help you better understand your own feelings and wants as well as your spouse’s emotions.
Some steps to help manage difficulties in marriage can include:
Try to strengthen your connection
Work, children, and other stressors can make it more difficult to find time to connect as a couple like you used to.
Taking time on a regular basis to engage in activities you used to enjoy or trying new things together may help you reconnect in a meaningful way.
Solo therapy
A talk therapist may be able to help you explore feelings and thoughts you have toward yourself and your spouse. You may gain some clarity about how you feel, including whether or not you want to take steps to improve your marriage.
Communication
Some evidence
If you’re feeling unsatisfied in your marriage, attempting to improve communication and talking out your feelings with your spouse may help.
Couples therapy
About
Couples therapy can help you and your partner learn to:
- communicate
- find ways to reconnect
- discuss issues in a safe environment
- reduce marital stress by using healthy coping techniques
Consider a trial separation
A trial separation may help you reconnect with your spouse, give you space to think, and help you both decide whether it’s time to say goodbye or come back together.
During this time, you can try dating your spouse again, find new interests with each other, and determine if being apart is really what you want. Just make sure to discuss any rules for the separation, such as whether you will date other people during this time.
If you decide it’s time to file for divorce, communicating your desire with your spouse can be emotionally and mentally challenging. Here are some tips for that conversation that may help:
- prepare for an emotional response and guilt trips from your spouse, particularly if your decision will come as a surprise to them
- plan when and where to have the conversation, somewhere public with a bit of privacy may help keep emotional responses in check
- approach the conversation with confidence in your decision
- assure them they will continue to be parents to mutual children, if any
- focus the conversation on your needs, such as wanting a new life, instead of casting blame on your spouse
- have a place to stay following the discussion so you can start separation after the talk
There’s no easy way to have a divorce discussion and no single right way to do it. You need to decide what you think will work best for you and then approach the conversation with confidence.
Deciding to leave an unsatisfying marriage is not easy. Your emotions, finances, living arrangements, and children are all tied closely together, and leaving will mean managing to separate them.
Before deciding to leave or file for divorce, you can take several steps to help improve your connection with your partner. This can include self-reflection and therapy, couples therapy, finding new ways to connect, or a trial separation.
If you decide divorce is your best solution, you should plan to have a conversation with your spouse to let them know your decision. The conversation may be difficult, but if it is ultimately what you want, it is worth having.