The 5 Stages of Grief: Understanding the Mourning Process

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, developed the Kübler-Ross model to better understand the grieving process. In her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying,” she identified the five most common emotional reactions to loss:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

These were originally referred to as the “five stages of death.” Kübler-Ross later adapted her model to encompass other forms of loss, such as illness, the end of a relationship, or even the conclusion of a project or dream. Since then, these are known as the “five stages of grief.”

How much time you spend navigating the stages of grief also varies from person to person. It might take hours, months, or longer to process a loss and heal from it.

You might not experience all these stages of grief or in the order listed above. You could go back and forth from one stage to another.

You may even skip all these emotions and process your loss differently altogether. The five stages of grief are supposed to serve you as a reference, not as a rule.

For some people, denial may be the first response to loss.

Denial is a common defense mechanism. It may help you buffer the immediate shock of the hurtful situation.

As an immediate reaction, you might first doubt the loss’s reality.

Here are a few examples of this type of denial:

• If you’re facing the death of a loved one, you might find yourself fantasizing someone will call to say there’s been a mistake and nothing really happened.
• If you’re dealing with a breakup, you might convince yourself your partner will soon regret leaving and return to you.
• If you lost your job, you might feel your former boss will offer you the position back after they realize they’ve made a mistake.

After this first reaction of shock and denial, you may go numb for a while.

At some point, you might feel like nothing matters to you anymore. Life as you once knew it has changed, and it might be difficult to feel like you can move on.

The first stage of grief is a natural reaction that helps you process the loss in your own time. By going numb, you’re giving yourself time to explore at your own pace the changes you’re going through.

Denial is a temporary response that carries you through the first wave of pain. Eventually, when you’re ready, the feelings and emotions you have denied will resurface, and your healing journey will continue.

Feeling intensely angry might surprise you or your loved ones, but it’s not uncommon. This anger serves a purpose.

It might be particularly overwhelming for some people to feel anger because, in many cultures, anger is a feared or rejected emotion. You might be more used to avoiding it than confronting it.

During the anger stage of grief, you might start asking questions like “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?”

You could also feel suddenly angry at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family members. You might feel angry at life itself.

It’s not rare to also feel anger toward the situation or person you lost. Rationally, you might understand the person isn’t to blame. Emotionally, however, you may resent them for causing you pain or for leaving you.

At some point, you might also feel guilty for being angry. This could make you angrier.

Try reminding yourself that underneath your anger is pain. And even if it might not feel like it, this anger is necessary for healing.

Anger might also be a way to reconnect to the world after isolating yourself from it during the denial stage. When you’re numb, you disconnect from everyone. When you’re angry, you connect, even if through this emotion.

But anger isn’t the only emotion you might experience during this stage. Irritability, bitterness, anxiety, rage, and impatience are just some other ways you might cope with your loss. It’s all part of the same process.

Bargaining is a stage of grief that helps you hold on to hope in a situation of intense pain.

You might think to yourself that you’re willing to do anything and sacrifice everything if your life is restored to how it was before the loss.

During this internal negotiation, you might think of “what if” or “if only.”

Guilt might accompany this stage as you inadvertently try to regain some control, even if at your own expense.

As hard as these negotiations might feel, they help you heal as you confront the reality of your loss.

In this instance, depression isn’t a sign of a mental health condition. Instead, it’s a natural and appropriate response to grief.

During the depression stage, you start facing your present reality and the inevitability of the loss you’ve experienced. Understandably, this realization may lead you to feel intense sadness and despair.

This intense sadness could cause you to feel different in other aspects too. For example, you might experience:

• fatigue
• confusion
• distraction
• loss of motivation
• loss of appetite

Typically, this is temporary and directly responds to your grieving process.

Reaching acceptance isn’t necessarily about being OK with what happened.

Acceptance is more about how you acknowledge the loss you’ve experienced, how you learn to live with it, and how you readjust your life accordingly.

You might feel more comfortable reaching out to friends and family during this stage, but it’s also natural to prefer to withdraw at times.

You may also feel like you accept the loss at times and then move to another stage of grief again. This back-and-forth between stages is natural and a part of the healing process.

In time, you may eventually find yourself stationed at this stage for long periods of time.

That doesn’t mean you’ll never feel sadness or anger again toward your loss, but your long-term perspective about it and how you live with this reality will be different.

The five stages of grief proposed by Kübler-Ross have served as a framework for many mental health professionals working with the grief process. Over the years, some have proposed adaptations to the existing model.

One of these is known as the Kübler-Ross Change Curve. It extends the five core stages of grief to seven overlapping stages:

1. Shock: intense and sometimes paralyzing surprise at the loss
2. Denial: disbelief and the need to look for evidence to confirm the loss
3. Anger and frustration: a mix of acknowledgment that some things have changed and anger toward this change
4. Depression: lack of energy and intense sadness
5. Testing: experimenting with the new situation to discover what it actually means in your life
6. Decision: a rising optimism about learning how to manage the new situation
7. Integration: acceptance of the new reality, reflection on what you learned, and stepping out in the world as a renewed person

If you’re experiencing intense grief and feel unsure about how to cope with it, reaching out for help can provide comfort and support.

Any reason that’s valid to you is a good reason to reach out for help.

Other instances in which you might want to seek help processing your loss include the following:

• You need to go back to school or work and have a hard time going about your daily tasks. For example, you’re having trouble concentrating.
• You’re the sole or main guardian or support source for someone else. For example, you’re a single parent or someone’s caretaker.
• You’re experiencing physical discomfort or pain.
• You’re skipping meals or medications because you don’t feel like getting up or doing anything.
• Your emotions are increasing in intensity and frequency instead of coming in waves or lessening over time.
• You’ve thought about hurting others or yourself.

If you or someone you know is considering self-harm, you’re not alone. Help is available right now:

• Call a crisis hotline, such as the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
• Text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

There are a few other ways to reach out for help, depending on what’s available to you:

• Friends and family: Verbally expressing your feelings can sometimes release some of the inner turmoil you might be experiencing. Sometimes you might not feel like talking but prefer silent company. Expressing your needs to others can allow them to help you in the way you feel is best for your situation.
• Support groups: There are local support groups as well as online support groups. You can connect to others in the group who have gone through or are going through similar losses.
• Professional support: Grief counseling and therapy can help with navigating the grief process. If you don’t have health insurance or aren’t covered for this service, local organizations or chapters of larger organizations, like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), may be able to provide additional support recommendations.

You’ve taken the first step by just wondering how you can help your loved one.

Here are some ways you can support them now and in the future:

• Listen: You might have the best intentions and want to provide comforting words. But in some instances, the best support comes from just being there and making it clear that you’re available to listen to whatever — and whenever — they want to share.
• Reach out: Not everyone knows how to comfort others. It might be intimidating or overwhelming to see someone you care about have a rough time. But don’t let these fears stop you from offering help or being there. Lead with empathy, and the rest will follow.
• Be practical: Look for ways to ease the weight off your loved one’s shoulders. Explore the areas they might need help managing while they process their loss. This could mean helping with food preparation or grocery shopping, organizing their room or house, or picking up their children from school.
• Don’t assume: You can verbally offer your support and be attentive to whatever they tell you might help them feel better. But avoid assuming or guessing “which step” of the process they’re going through at the moment. Wait for them to express how they feel, if they’re ready, and go from there.
• Search for resources: You might have the clarity of mind and the energy to browse local support groups and organizations, call an insurance company, and find a mental health professional on their behalf.

Here are some additional resources that may be helpful:

• GriefShare support groups
• The Compassionate Friends: Supporting Family After a Child Dies
• American Psychological Association: Search for a Psychologist
• Helping Kids Grieve: Toolkit

Mourning is a deeply personal experience. The five stages of grief serve as a reference point for understanding the emotions that may arise during the healing process.

By recognizing that there is no singular way to grieve and seeking support when needed, you can navigate the path to healing and find ways to cope — or help a loved one cope — with loss.