Controlling people want a say in how others live their lives. Knowing how to identify and deal with controlling behavior can help you regain control of your life.

Being controlled by someone is hard to deal with as they can disrupt your happiness and goal progression. Finding ways to identify and deal with controlling people allows you to live life for yourself and find satisfaction in autonomy.

Dealing with it isn’t always easy. However, it’s essential for having healthy relationships and prioritizing your well-being.

Controlling behavior doesn’t always look the same, so there are many signs to watch for. You may not notice all the signs in one person, but controlling people will likely have at least a few of the following signs:

Addressing and dealing with controlling people is necessary for your well-being. Consider these ideas for handling the situation:

Communicate clearly and openly

Addressing a controlling person isn’t always easy, but using empathy and “I” statements can make it easier.

This tactic helps get your point across without the person feeling attacked or blamed. They’ll be more likely to listen and process what you say when they don’t feel you’re blaming them.

Set and implement boundaries

Consider implementing boundaries and clearly stating what you’re comfortable with, what you won’t tolerate, and what will happen if they can’t respect your boundaries.

For example, if the person who exhibits controlling behaviors constantly attempts to speak for you or make decisions on your behalf, setting boundaries can help you gain autonomy.

You may say, “I feel unheard and disrespected when you make decisions on my behalf. I’d prefer that you ask for my opinion and allow me to speak for myself. If this happens again, I will no longer confide in you with information that is important to me.”

Once you’ve done this, continually crossing your boundaries is a sign of disrespect and should be met with the consequences you discussed before.

Don’t enable the behavior

Giving into controlling behavior may convey that you’re OK with the person’s behavior, essentially enabling it.

Going along with the control can unintentionally encourage the behavior. Resisting it can help you maintain your independence and values.

Focus on what you can control

You can’t always change someone who strives for control, so consider focusing on what you can control instead.

No matter what that person does or says, you can always control your reactions and choices.

Connect with your support system

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Daniel Glazer suggested that talking with your trusted family and friends about your situation can help you find relief and remind you of your worth.

Glazer explained, “Don’t go it alone. Gaslighting and isolation are controllers’ go-to tactics, so deliberately seek out validating perspectives.”

Prioritize self-care

Set aside self-care time to do anything you love that makes you feel good. This will boost your well-being and keep you feeling like yourself.

”Prioritize self-care unrelentingly. Controlling people actively dismantle confidence to cement dependency. Nurture whatever affirms your autonomy… creativity, nature, surrounding yourself with reminders of unconditional self-worth,” Glazer explained.

Controlling people can come from all areas of your life, including work, home, or with friends. Understanding what causes controlling behaviors can help you address the issue with empathy.

Some of the causes of controlling behavior include:

  • Fear: When someone fears something, controlling everyone and everything around them can potentially help ease the feeling. Anything they can’t predict can lead to more anxiety, so they prefer to call the shots.
  • Insecurity: Controlling others is sometimes a method for someone needing to feel secure and validated. It helps them feel important in their relationships, providing a sense of power when they otherwise wouldn’t feel worthy.
  • Being a perfectionist: Desiring perfectionism can lead to controlling behaviors as the person tries to make everything go by their plan. Any variation of what they view as perfect can ruin their mood or throw off their demeanor.
  • Wanting power: If someone wants superiority, they may like controlling others. It helps them feel worthy and valuable, giving them power.
  • Trauma: Past trauma can contribute to someone displaying controlling behavior. It could stem from betrayal, abandonment, and emotional or physical abuse. Controlling others is a way for them to protect themselves from it happening again.
  • Learned behavior: Someone who grew up in a controlling environment is more likely than others to become a perfectionist, often leading to being controlling, as well.

In addition, various research suggests that living with mental health conditions can lead to a controlling personality. This may include conditions such as:

Consider getting help if:

  • you’re isolated
  • your mental health suffers
  • your independence is limited
  • you feel scared or anxious about the relationship

Talking with a therapist can help you gain perspective and validation, and they can provide ideas for handling it.

Controlling behavior can worsen, with research indicating a higher likelihood of physical abuse in these situations. It can also lead to coercive control and a behavior pattern involving threats, abuse, or intimidation.

If this happens, ending the relationship is essential to protecting yourself.

Dr. Glazer emphasized, “If you ever feel unsafe, take that threat seriously. Have an exit plan and escape routes. Physical safety is the highest priority, NO exceptions.”

He went on to say, ”Ultimately, if the situation breeds pervasive anxiety, depression, self-doubt or an inability to make decisions, that’s a resounding signal that you may need therapeutic intervention or other outside support systems. You do not have to face these challenges alone.”

You can get help for domestic violence by Contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline via chat or by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Consider contacting a local domestic violence shelter for other forms of support and a safe place to live.

Spending time with controlling people can be harmful to your well-being. Identifying and dealing with the behavior isn’t always easy and requires resilience and awareness. You may need professional support for your mental and emotional health to help you find ways to deal with the situation.

Dealing with controlling behavior may lead to a respectful relationship. However, you may need to make tough decisions if their behavior doesn’t change.

Either way, dealing with the situation and pushing back against controlling behavior will help you rebuild your confidence and find a sense of independence again. You’re not alone.