Techniques like practicing mindfulness, being aware of body language, and knowing when to walk away from the situation can help reduce conflict.
Conflict develops when opposing beliefs or opinions exist in a given situation. It implies more than mutual disagreement; conflict suggests one or more parties involved feel the opposition is unacceptable, leading to strong clashes between individuals or even groups.
It’s very difficult to go through life without encountering conflict at some point. People are diverse, and everyone has something they believe in passionately or feel strongly about.
If you don’t feel you handle conflict well, the good news is that de-escalating is a skill you can build and develop across a variety of interpersonal interactions.
Winning feels good, even when it means feeling as though you came out on top during a conflict. Approaching conflicts with winning as your goal, however, can increase the chances your conflict will escalate.
Dr. Michael Kane, a board certified psychiatrist and medical director at Indiana Center for Recovery, Indianapolis, Indiana, recommended trading the quest to win with the desire to find a solution.
“When we’re so focused on being right or proving a point, we often lose sight of the bigger picture and end up escalating the conflict,” he said. “It’s important to shift the focus from ‘me vs. you’ to ‘us vs. the problem.’”
Kane indicated that this allows for a more collaborative and productive approach toward finding a resolution.
Mindfulness is a state of in-the-moment awareness that promotes mind-body alignment. It teaches you to accept what’s happening right nowwithout rapid judgments or reactions.
Dr. Brooke Keels, a licensed professional counselor and chief clinical officer at Lighthouse Recovery in Dallas, Texas, recommended mindfulness to de-escalate conflicts.
“Staying mindful means being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions in a conflict and trying to control them before things get out of hand,” she indicated. “Don’t let your emotions dictate your actions or words.”
Keels suggested that you take a few deep breaths to help you calm down before responding during conflict. Once your thoughts and feelings are organized, you’ll be more able to communicate them effectively.
It’s OK to clarify and uphold personal boundaries during conflict, especially if someone is crossing into territory you’re not comfortable with.
Consider assertions like: “I won’t tolerate being called names. If you continue to speak that way, I’ll leave and come back when we can talk this through with a higher level of mutual respect.”
Keels suggested prioritizing your personal well-being and inner peace when you encounter conflict by asking yourself if engaging is really worth it.
“In a conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in trying to prove yourself right or just making the other person feel bad, but that rarely leads to a resolution,” she said. “Instead of getting caught up in the drama and back-and-forth, take a step back and evaluate if this conflict is truly worth your energy and peace of mind.”
Remember, you participate in conflict. Removing your involvement supports de-escalation during moments of conflict.
Not all communication comes in the form of language. In fact, research suggests that
“Nonverbal cues can speak louder than words, so they can really play a significant role in either escalating or de-escalating the situation,” Kane cautioned. “Avoid crossing your arms, making aggressive gestures, or speaking in an accusatory tone.”
Instead, he recommended maintaining an open posture and using a calm and neutral tone of voice. Additionally, actively listening to the other person’s perspective without interrupting or getting defensive.
You never have to stay in a situation of conflict. You always have the right to walk away, and sometimes, leaving a heated interaction is the best option for de-escalation.
Taking some time away can help you clear your thoughts and decide what the best path forward might be.
“Be clear to the other person that you are just taking a break and will return to the conversation when you are calm and ready,” Kane suggested. “This way, it won’t look like you’re just walking away and avoiding the issue.”
When conflict is getting the best of you and any others involved, having an impartial party available to mediate can help everyone cool down. You can ask a mutual friend, family member, or a professional therapist to help facilitate effective communication.
Including someone truly unbiased can keep the conversation solution-focused and can allow third-party insights that might de-escalate hostility.
It’s true that you don’t always have to get along with people. And you don’t have to give up your ideals, beliefs, or opinions just to avoid conflict and confrontation.
Conflict resolution is important, however, because it promotes the establishment of deeper, meaningful relationships with those around you. Learning conflict resolution skills lets you engage respectfully with others, which in turn promotes a sense of trust — even when you don’t see eye-to-eye.
“Knowing how to navigate conflicts in a healthy way can be a key factor in maintaining healthy relationships and preventing them from deteriorating beyond repair,” said Keels. “It allows us to understand ourselves better, our triggers, and our communication styles. It can also help us learn from our mistakes and find more effective ways to communicate and problem-solve in the future.”
Honing these skills can help you across many different life experiences, from family interactions and romantic partnerships to professional work relationships.
You can’t always avoid conflict. Even with your best efforts, you’re likely to encounter it at least occasionally during life.
Conflict is often uncomfortable and intense. However, when interactions become heated, you can hone the skills needed to resolve conflict, such as:
- focusing on your body language
- making your boundaries clear
- walking away when you need to
Because you can’t control the actions and thoughts of others, understanding your role in conflict is an essential part of de-escalating these moments when they happen.