Indifference, avoidance, and detachment are three of the many signs of emotional unavailability. Learning to spot an emotionally unavailable person can protect you from toxic relationships.
Have you ever felt like someone you care about couldn’t be there for you emotionally? Perhaps they seemed distant, unaffectionate, or uninterested.
Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable person has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions and getting emotionally close to others.
They may:
- find it challenging to talk about their feelings
- avoid certain topics or situations that involve emotional expressions
- seem standoffish in general
The causes of emotional unavailability may be specific to the person. It could include an insecure attachment style, a personality disorder, or even a symptom of childhood trauma.
Everyone’s different, but there are some telltale signs of emotional unavailability.
It may look different depending on the situation, but here are some important signs that may tell you someone is emotionally unavailable:
1. They avoid intimacy
Emotionally unavailable people may fear intimacy and avoid sharing their innermost feelings and thoughts. They might dodge intimate conversations or situations, making it seem like they don’t trust you. However, it’s usually not personal. They’re used to relying on themselves and being self-sufficient.
2. They avoid commitment
Commitment is often difficult for someone who is emotionally unavailable. For instance, they may put off labeling a romantic relationship or initiating a next step, such as moving in or proposing marriage.
In friendships, they might be hesitant to make plans, or they may cancel plans frequently.
3. They get defensive easily
An emotionally unavailable person rarely initiates conversations about relationship dynamics, hurt feelings, or requests for behavioral changes. They may respond defensively, blame others for their problems, and find it hard to trust other people.
4. They aren’t available
When you need their support, emotionally unavailable people tend to run the other way or be nowhere to be found. They might:
- minimize your emotions
- change the subject
- withdraw from emotional conversations
Someone who’s emotionally unavailable might also persistently want to keep topics “light” even when you tell them you need to vent or need advice.
5. They might not empathize with your feelings
Due to their tendency to “turn off” emotions and have poor insight, emotionally unavailable people might exhibit low empathy – the inability to understand or share someone else’s feelings. They may find it hard to relate to you, put themselves in your shoes, or consider your feelings when making decisions.
Attachment styles and early parent/child relationships
Other factors — such as cultural influences or a history of trauma or abuse — may also contribute to emotional unavailability.
Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability can help you make informed decisions about your relationships and protect yourself from investing in someone who may not be capable of meeting your emotional needs.
Emotional unavailability can be managed, but it often requires the person to acknowledge the issue and seek professional help. If you find yourself in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, consider whether this type of bond truly fulfills you.