“If you love someone, set them free” is a well-known quote, but it can be controversial. Practicing intentionality and prioritizing your well-being can help you decide if letting go is beneficial.
The saying goes, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.” While many people misattribute the quote to Richard Bach, there’s no evidence that he said it, and the source remains unknown.
This well-known saying reminds us not to hold onto someone too tightly and to give ourselves and others freedom. It can also mean letting go and letting fate decide if that person should be in our lives.
While the advice could work well for you, using old sayings as a solution can potentially lead to misinterpretations and irrational decisions. Taking time to consider why you may want to end a relationship with someone you care for will help you make the decision with compassion.
April Crowe, a licensed clinical social worker at Paramount Wellness Center, explained that letting someone go could be a form of love or avoidance, depending on the intentions.
”From one perspective, setting a person free can be viewed as an unselfish act that enables them to find joy and develop themselves. This outlook underscores the significance of love and regard in any partnership where care for each other’s welfare is central,” Crowe shared. “Alternatively, on the other side, such an action may also result from wanting to get rid of unpleasant emotions or duties, thereby concealing evasion under selflessness.”
For example,
You may consider letting go to avoid uncomfortable emotions. However, directly confronting issues with honest communication
Additional reasons you may consider letting someone go may include:
- Issues with communication: Challenges with effectively communicating what you desire and expect can potentially lead to misunderstanding, which may affect how you address issues in your relationship.
- Decrease in happiness: A
2019 review of existing research indicates that the quality of your relationships can impact your well-being. If your relationships no longer contribute to your happiness, it may be healthy to let the other person go. - Unhealthy relationship dynamics: An unhealthy relationship may lack comfort, respect, and trust. If the other person exhibits abusive behaviors, consider seeking support to improve your well-being and sense of safety.
- Lack of growth: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT, founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling, explained, that letting go may allow both individuals time to work on themselves, heal, or find clarity. You may use this time to reconnect and build a healthy relationship with yourself.
Kushnir explained, “Setting someone free can be an act of selflessness and love, allowing both parties to grow and evolve, potentially realizing that the relationship wasn’t right for them at that time.”
Letting someone go could mean losing them forever. If you spend too much time thinking about a reconnection, you risk prolonging your healing journey.
If you only want to end a relationship to see if they’ll come back, it could backfire and do more harm than good. You may lose them for good, or it can lead to a toxic cycle where two people repeatedly walk away from one another and come back together only to face the same problems as before.
Should you let them come back?
Letting someone come back after you’ve let them go may not be a sign from the universe that you should have them in your life. Kushnir explained, “The idea that “if they come back, it was meant to be” can also be misleading or even harmful, especially if it fosters a false sense of hope or prevents someone from moving forward with their life.”
Kushnir suggested considering whether someone has changed and is working to resolve the conflicts. She also warns of hoovering, which occurs when someone manipulates you into letting them back into your life by making you think they have changed, only to learn that everything is the same.
Letting someone go isn’t easy, and you’ll need time to cope when it happens. Finding healthy ways to cope can make all the difference in overcoming lost relationships, whether platonic, familial, or romantic.
Niloufar Esmaeilpour, a registered clinical counselor at Lotus Therapy and Counselling Centre, explained that some of the ways to cope include:
- give yourself time to grieve
- take care of yourself
- turn to your support system
- engage in meaningful activities
The saying “If you love someone, set them free” can be beneficial, but it isn’t always the best approach. Consider your reasons before deciding if it’s best for you or the other person.
Keep in mind that the person coming back into your life doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. Your safety and well-being are the priority. Remember to give yourself time to cope as you overcome this change in your life.