Is age “just a number?” If you’re wondering whether an age gap could impact your relationship, this is for you.
In any relationship, you’ll have some qualities in common with your partner, while others — not so much.
Some couples might find that a significant age gap can greatly impact their relationship, over time. Others may feel that what makes them compatible is more important than a gap in years.
“Most of the couples I know say that they feel like they’re the same age,” said Dr. Loren Olson, a psychiatrist in Des Moines, Iowa. “We have a chronological age, a psychological age, a physical age, and a sexual age. Age gap couples frequently are compatible in the last three.”
Even if you’re satisfied with your relationship, it’s possible to encounter some challenges with a large age difference. Confronting and problem-solving these challenges — which often have to do with outside judgment — could lead to even greater happiness in your partnership.
Age and consent
This article discusses age differences in romantic relationships where both partners are above the legal age of consent in their state.
If you’re below the age of consent and an adult’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable, help is available. You can:
- Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 for confidential, 24/7 support.
- Visit Stop It Now! for online resources or reach out to their helpline at 888-773-8368.
- Visit Childhelp for resources to handle and report abuse or to chat live with someone who can help.
P.S. If both partners are above the legal age of consent, it doesn’t mean consent goes out the window. Asking for consent and being on the same page is key in any healthy romantic relationship.
If your relationship has an above-average age difference, it might impact your connection in specific ways. Still, many of these effects aren’t unique to relationships with a large age gap, and communication is key for navigating differences in any partnership.
Emotional maturity
“Even if the age gap is small, like 4 to 5 years, different levels of maturity can be observed,” said Brandy Porche, a licensed professional counselor with MindPath. “When there is a significant difference in age, like 10 to 15 years or more, life experiences can be vastly different.”
In relationships with a large emotional maturity gap, the more mature partner could end up carrying a heavier emotional load, leading to exhaustion and potentially a breakup.
Being the older partner doesn’t guarantee emotional maturity, just like being younger doesn’t always mean you’re less mature.
People sometimes conflate age with emotional maturity. However, a
Priorities
“The bigger the gap between partners, the more likely the relationship will struggle with phase-of-life related challenges,” said GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor and founder of PsychPoint.
She explains that these challenges might include differences in:
- health
- energy levels
- life priorities
- plans to start a family
Having different priorities isn’t exclusive to relationships with large age gaps. In any relationship, it’s key to discuss each person’s priorities and hopes for the future to determine compatibility if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.
End-of-life concerns
Guarino highlighted that people in relationships with big age differences may face more concerns about the longevity of the older partner. The younger partner may fear being left alone when the older partner passes.
Communicating with each other about these feelings can be an important part of processing them.
Guarino pointed out that making arrangements ahead of time can also provide some reassurance to the younger partner. “If one partner passes, the other partner knows they are taken care of and what their next steps are,” she explained.
In many cultures, heterosexual relationships where the man is older than the woman are still the most common. In these relationships, it’s common for an age gap of 2 to 3 years to exist.
Meanwhile, an
- Heterosexual couples with large age gaps had a faster decline in relationship satisfaction in their first 6 to 10 years of marriage than similarly aged couples.
- Couples with an age gap of 1 to 3 years (with the man older than the woman) were the most common and had the greatest levels of satisfaction.
- Relationship satisfaction decreased slightly for couples with age gaps of 4 to 6 years and continued to decrease for couples with an age gap of 7 or more years.
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In short, research seems to indicate that in many cultures, an age gap of 1 to 3 years is considered ideal — but some researchers suggest even a relationship with an age gap of less than 10 years will bring more satisfaction.
Still, numbers rarely tell the full story when it comes to love. It’s possible to be much older or younger than your partner and have exactly the right relationship for you.
“I am 15 years older than my husband. We have been together 35 years,” said Olson. “We are very compatible in most ways. The only time age has been an issue occurs with things like at what age we should retire.”
Yes. It’s possible for relationships to last long term, despite differences in age.
Regardless of age, some factors connected with relationship success include:
- higher levels of education in both partners
- financial security
- having children
- lower levels of neuroticism, or tendency to experience low moods, in both partners
- secure attachment style in both partners
- strong communication skills
- supportive relationships with other family members
- tendency to approach partner with forgiveness
- high emotional intelligence
- satisfaction with your sex life in the relationship
A relationship age gap is just one factor that can influence the success of your relationship. It won’t necessarily be the factor that makes or breaks your relationship since other factors can also play a role.
In relationships with large age differences, you might encounter a couple of additional roadblocks.
Social stigma
“With relationships, there will always be people on the outside looking in. Maybe even more so when outsiders visually see the age difference,” said Porche.
In cultures where small relationship age gaps are more common, others may treat people in a relationship with a large age difference with judgment or criticism.
“The biggest challenge is facing criticism from those who feel there must be some ulterior motive for both of them,” said Olson.
For example, a younger partner might be accused of only choosing an older partner because of their wealth or status, and an older partner might be accused of choosing someone younger for the way they look.
Even if you and your partner are good at disregarding ignorant opinions of people you don’t know, it can hurt when friends or family are skeptical of a relationship you’re happy with.
Power imbalance
Large age differences can bring up the possibility of unbalanced power dynamics. Porche explained that even in a secure relationship, an older partner might assume an authoritative role.
If this happens, it can help to openly discuss this. “Younger partners can start the conversations by saying, ‘I’m not sure if you realize it, but you just totally made that decision for me, and I would prefer to be included in the decision process next time,’” said Porche.
A power imbalance can also happen if one partner uses their partner’s financial dependence as a way to exert control over them. Whether you and your partner are separated by a few or many years, this behavior is a sign the relationship may be a source of harm.
Whether you’re dealing with less-than-understanding loved ones or concerns about the future of the relationship as you both age, these tips could help you overcome the challenge together.
Set boundaries
“When people question or judge a relationship they are not a part of, they are overstepping the couple’s boundaries,” said Guarino. She emphasized that setting boundaries with judgmental loved ones is a good way to remind them that even if they don’t understand your relationship, they need to respect it.
Communicate
Guarino said that the key to any challenge a couple may face is the ability to have open and honest conversations about it. She highlighted that it’s a good idea to make time for each partner to share how they feel.
Consider your responses to others
According to Olson, it may be necessary for you and your partner to desensitize yourselves to some critical comments you might encounter. It might also be a good idea to think of a few comebacks to the most common comments you receive.
Find your support network
When it comes to dealing with outside judgment about your relationship, Olson said, “Knowing other age-discrepant couples helps.”
Finding similar couples and creating a sense of community with them could also allow you and your partner to build friendships with others who “get it.”
Counseling
If you and your partner are finding it difficult to navigate these challenges alone, you can also seek outside support.
An understanding couples counselor could help you explore different avenues for handling these challenges and expressing your thoughts about them.
Porche reminded us that feeling secure with your partner is critical in any relationship, including those with large age differences. “You know who you are and what your relationship means to you,” she said.
If you find outside opinions are getting to you, Porche suggested this could be an opportunity to get curious and ask yourself why. It could help to consider if there’s anything you haven’t reconciled about the relationship or if there’s anything you would like to address with your partner.
While you might encounter judgment or stigma in response to your relationship, many factors can determine its success — and age is just a small part of that picture.