When people lack empathy, they may criticize others for their shortcomings or dismiss their feelings. But with time, it’s possible to develop empathy.
Understanding another person’s feelings and experiences, even if opposite to ours, may allow us to respond in a supportive way and regulate our own emotions. This understanding is known as empathy.
Empathy exists on a spectrum, and in most cases, it isn’t entirely absent — it’s just diminished.
Because empathy is an ability, most people can develop it. Having low empathy doesn’t mean you’ll feel this way forever.
In some cases, due to illness or certain mental health conditions, some people may have extremely low empathy and a diminished capacity to develop it. However, they still have the capacity.
Since empathy exists on a spectrum, it can be difficult to pinpoint whether or not someone truly lacks empathy.
With that said, although the following signs are commonly associated with little to no empathy, they do not necessarily indicate that someone lacks empathy.
In general, some of the signs may include:
Being critical and judgmental
People who have low empathy may excessively criticize other people for experiencing or expressing emotions in certain scenarios.
Someone with a lack of empathy may also blame the person for what they’re experiencing. For example, they may say things like, “If you didn’t do those things, you wouldn’t be in trouble now.”
Thinking it wouldn’t happen to them
Someone with low empathy may have trouble connecting to other people’s circumstances.
They may believe that a certain event would never happen to them or that they could handle the situation “much better.” Because they feel this way, they won’t be able to understand or feel the other person’s distress.
Calling other people ‘too sensitive’
A person who lacks empathy may invalidate or dismiss someone’ emotional reactions.
They may think people’s feelings are optional or come from what they may perceive as an emotional deficit. “You’re feeling that way because you want to or because you’re too sensitive, not because it’s really that bad.”
Responding in inappropriate ways
Someone with low empathy may joke about someone’s emotions or circumstances. They may also have a difficult time actively listening to you. They could also act cheerful or indifferent after you just expressed feeling sad or stressed.
Having trouble understanding how their behavior affects others
Often, low empathy may result in a person not realizing that their actions can affect others. Other times, they may understand that their behavior impacts other people, but they may not feel remorseful about it.
This means that someone may act in selfish or vindictive ways without realizing or caring if that hurts you.
Difficulty maintaining relationships
A lack of empathy may lead to constant friction in relationships.
Difficulty understanding or acknowledging how others feel can also impact meaningful bonds. However, a person who lacks empathy may not even be aware that they have few or no meaningful connections.
Everyone may experience low empathy at times. For example, it may be natural to have difficulty feeling and expressing empathy toward someone who has harmed us.
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Other possible factors associated with low empathy include:
Personality and developmental disorders
Among these conditions, levels of empathy can vary. Among individuals, levels can vary even more so.
For example,
Machiavellianism (a personality trait) and NPD (a mental health condition) have long been associated with a lack of empathy. However, one study suggests that people with these traits and disorders actually have a certain degree of empathy — they just may lack the motivation to show or act on it.
Additionally, autistic people can sometimes have difficulties with cognitive empathy. However, they may develop emotional empathy but face challenges with expressing it. A
Modeling
Because empathy is partly a learned behavior, you may not be as empathetic if you didn’t experience much empathy while growing up.
Also, if you were alone much of the time, you may not have had the opportunity to practice empathy. This, too, can reduce empathetic expression.
Low emotional intelligence, burnout, and stress
Emotional intelligence may be linked to empathy. If you haven’t developed this type of intelligence, you may also have low empathy.
Being under prolonged stress may also lead someone to have less tolerance for other people’s behavior and lower cognitive empathy.
In some cases, emotional avoidance might also be a reason someone does not develop or practice empathy. Although they might appear to lack empathy, this isn’t necessarily true.
If someone is emotionally burned out, they may avoid all additional sources of distress, including relating to someone else’s difficulties. Those living with emotional avoidance may have empathy, which could lead them to avoid difficult emotions in an attempt to manage overwhelming feelings.
Research also suggests that some people may not develop compassionate empathy because of its perceived costs, such as mental effort, time, and emotional weight.
According to psychologists and researchers Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman, there are three main types of empathy:
1. Cognitive empathy
This type of empathy is an intellectual understanding of someone else’s feelings. It’s the ability to consider other perspectives without sensing or experiencing them yourself.
For example, if a colleague loses their job, you may recognize what emotions they could be feeling. You could also understand how their emotions might affect their behavior. This doesn’t mean you experience distress yourself.
2. Affective or ‘emotional’ empathy
People with emotional empathy tend to feel another person’s emotions. Although not always the case, this may also include physical sensations consistent with such emotions.
For example, if you see someone in great distress after losing a loved one, you may begin to feel sad yourself. This may lead you to experience chest or stomach pain while sensing that emotion in the other person.
3. Compassionate empathy or ‘empathetic concern’
Compassionate empathy is a combination of cognitive and emotional empathy. It involves recognizing and understanding another person’s emotions and also feeling them.
Taking on another person’s challenges and hurt may end up taking a toll on you. This is why some people may not develop this type of empathy.
However, relating to other people’s suffering may also lead you to consider helping.
Examples of compassionate empathy include stopping your car to help someone who fell or donating to a cause after a natural disaster.
Can you have one type of empathy only?
Not everyone develops compassionate empathy, and there are also different levels of emotional or cognitive empathy.
For example, you could feel sad that your partner is experiencing a challenge (emotional empathy). It hurts you to see them hurt.
Yet, you may not really understand why they feel this way. Or you may even feel that their reason for feeling sad isn’t serious enough to warrant these emotions. You may have difficulty seeing the situation from their perspective (cognitive empathy).
Empathy can be developed. Here are a few tips for working on it:
- Building cognitive empathy: Observing the body language of others and asking questions to further understand how they feel may help. For example, you may ask “How do you feel about this?”
- Increasing emotional empathy: Working on recognizing your own emotions may help you connect with other people. Active listening may also help you focus on how and why someone feels a certain way.
- Enhancing compassionate empathy: As you develop both cognitive and emotional empathy, you’ll be more likely to have compassionate empathy. This may increase your ability to step into action when you see someone having a difficult time.
It can take time to develop empathy, but actively practicing traits of empathy can help. To learn more, consider visiting our resource page to discover how you can become more empathetic.
There are many types and levels of empathy. How much empathy you have depends on many factors, and may vary according to the situation.
Empathy may help you exhibit more helping behaviors and could also improve your relationships.
If you feel you could be more empathetic, you’ve taken the first step. Empathy can be developed, and it starts with awareness.
If you feel you’re having a challenging time developing empathy, you may want to seek the support of a mental health professional who can work with you in practicing a few techniques that may help.