What can you do when the object of your affection seems consistently less enamored of you and less committed to your relationship than you are?
You may feel confused, frustrated and lonely. Butyou are not a victim.
The first step is to assess whether your partners ambivalence and commitment-avoidance is baked in to their character and personality, or whether it stems from temporary circumstances.
Signs that a partner’s holding back and hesitancy to commit are long-standing and may be unlikely to change include the following:
Your partner . . .
- Has a history of only short relationships
- Seems endlessly torn, confused, or uncertain about what he or she wants in a relationship
- Talks about freedom, space, and independence far more than intimacy and connection
- Is overly picky and critical
- Is a vague or poor communicator about relationship issues
- Is stingy with affection or reassurance
- Resists letting you know her or his schedule
- Resists making plans with you more than a few days ahead
- Resists using romantic labels such as boyfriend or girlfriend
- Doesnt want to be sexually exclusive
- Resists including you in activities involving her or his family and friends
- Finds it difficult to say they love you even though they use the L-word freely with friends and family
- Is erratic or unpredictable
Many commitment-phobic people, deep down, actually want intimacy and connection but may not know how to achieve it. Or they may have such strong anxieties that it is nearly impossible for them to avoid putting on the brakes. Or they may have an avoidant style. (See my blog on signs of an avoidant or unavailable partner.)
But you have to decide if it is worth it to open your heart to someone who may never reciprocate. A perpetual half-in, half-out stance from a partner can lead to a world of hurt.
On the other hand, some of the above signs may be present with a partner who isnt a true commitment-phobe but is influenced by temporary situations.
For example, someone with recent multiple emotional losses or who is fresh out of a long relationship may be wisely hesitant to commit quickly. A partner who is under significant stress or who was deeply hurt or betrayed in a previous relationship may want to take sufficient time to build up the trust necessary for a commitment.
If your partner has experienced losses, betrayal, or a recent break-up, AND is willing to talk about this and even seek help if necessary, this is a positive sign.
If you assess that a partners ambivalence is situational, not characterological, here are several things you can do to take care of yourself if you want a deeper connection than your partner is willing or able to offer in the short term.
- Be aware if anxiety is taking you away from yourself, and return to a healthy sense of who you are
- Be willing to take the long view. You may not get what you want for some time, but if the person seems worth it, hang in there. Dont feel the need to make a decision prematurely.
- Dont play the role of therapist with your partner
- Dont pressure your partner or try to solve their dilemma for them
- Avoid numbing or self-defeating behaviors
- Seek company and comfort in other people and activities so that you have a full life and arent just waiting around for time with your partner
- Realize that a relationship, no matter how important, is only one aspect of your life. You are more than your relationship.
- Use a partners hesitancy to go deeper as an opportunity to evaluate the relationship. Is this person really for you? Are you staying simply to win the person over or to avoid being alone?
- Decide what your essential needs are in the relationship and ask for them to be met.
- Really listen to what your partner is saying and seek to clarify anything you are uncertain about. For example, there is a difference between someone sharing fears with you vs. saying they dont want to be with you.
- Be willing to let go and leave if it is too costly to stay. Sometimes you have to let someone you love go. They may or may not come back.
- Listen to your partner with respect and compassion. If they are giving clear signals that they arent ready, or their feelings are unclear, accept that.
- Recognize if the relationship plays into an old script such as that you are unworthy or unlovable, cant have a good relationship, or will always be left. Recognize that our scripts are history, not destiny.
- Know that when people are afraid, they may say or do things that dont accurately express how they feel.
- As an experiment, try being less available to your partner.
- Think about establishing a deadline, which you may or may not disclose to your partner, about how long you will accept the ambivalence or live in limbo.
- Recognize you cannot control or change your partners feelings. Any one person can end a relationship at any time.
Copyright Dan Neuharth PhD MFT