Co-Parenting After A Violent Marriage: What to Expect
Sadly, intimate partner violence is not uncommon among divorcing couples. And, when kids are involved, the first year after the relationship break-up is critical as this is when custody and co-parenting arrangements are being decided.
In a new study, researchers at the University of Illinois investigated important factors pertaining to a divorce that influence how well partners are able to co-parent after separation. The first issue was whether a woman experienced intimate partner violence during marriage. Then, if she did, what type of intimate partner violence was it?
“We know with intimate partner violence, when women leave those relationships, that initial period and through the first year can be particularly dangerous for women in some abusive relationships,” said Dr. Jennifer Hardesty, a professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies.
“That is also when custody decisions are being made. So the contact between the former partners and the extent of negative emotions might be highest during that first year. We wanted to see specifically what was going on during that time frame.”
Hardesty and her colleagues were interested in the specific type of violence the mothers had experienced in their marriages: coercive controlling violence or situational couple violence. They found that, while both types of violence are serious, women’s experiences in the year after separation varied based on the type of violence they had experienced in their marriages.
The two types are distinguished by the context in which the violent acts occur, Hardesty said.
“Both include violent acts, but they are based upon the underlying pattern and motivation of the violence. Situational couple violence refers to situations where arguments escalate; maybe there’s an affair or an argument over money, or some type of incident in which a couple may not have good conflict or anger management skills. The argument escalates and one or both partners hit each other. But there’s no overall pattern of coercive control in those relationships.
“Coercive controlling violence, though, is when one partner has a constant campaign to control the other partner. Tactics we typically hear of such as isolation — keeping you from your friends and family or not letting you go to the doctor to seek help — or controlling the finances is part of a larger pattern of dominance and coercion,” she adds.
The researchers discovered that women who had experienced coercive controlling violence in their marriages continued to experience higher levels of harassment, conflict, and volatility from their former partners during the first year than women who experienced situational violence.
Those who had experienced coercive controlling violence also saw the least co-parenting support and communication about child rearing.
During the study, which appears in the Journal of Family Psychology, 135 women who had a recent divorce filing were interviewed five times throughout the first year of separation.
Interviewers asked the women questions pertaining to experiences with conflict, support, communication about child rearing, and harassment, including threatening behaviors, throughout the year.
Women who had experienced situational couple violence in marriage did continue to experience harassment and conflict, but not at the same level as women from controlling violent relationships.
For couples with situational violence, there was also a more consistent level of co-parenting support, which may include the former partner being available to help with the kids, “backing you up” as a parent, and offering emotional support.
“From prior qualitative work on couples who had situational violence, it seemed like they were better able to figure out their issues after divorce. They both wanted to in order to be able to co-parent. Maybe that consistent level of support they have for each other as co-parents enables them to do that,” Hardesty said.
She also pointed out that it does not discount the fact that divorcing couples who had situational violence still experienced conflict and harassment more than couples who had no violence in their marriage.
Another aspect uncovered during the interviews was the unpredictability women from controlling violent relationships experienced during that first year, said Dr. Brian Ogolsky, an associate professor in the Department of Human Development and co-author of the study.
“There was much less predictability for women in controlling violent relationships,” he said. “These women might experience high levels of conflict and harassment, which may improve and appear better but then worsen once again. There’s this up and down that creates a context of fear and unpredictability.
“They never know what’s coming. This variability is such an important piece, and we did see that the women with controlling violent relationships had much higher levels of variability.”
When Hardesty first began studying intimate partner violence, she observed that divorce education programs were not always giving attention to violence. “Previous work suggested there were some differences based on types of violence, but there wasn’t anything on a larger scale that followed people to see how those differences played out. That’s what eventually led to this project.”
And because these different types of violence play out differently in co-parent relationships, different types of interventions are needed.
“Many people would say those divorcing couples shouldn’t co-parent, that it’s not safe for the mom and, in many cases where there is coercive controlling violence, I would agree with that.
But the reality is, though, they are co-parenting and in many cases the mom wants to have the dad involved — they just want the violence and harassment to stop,” Hardesty said. “As long as they are co-parenting when there’s been a history of violence, we need to understand how to minimize the risks to women and children and support positive outcomes long-term.
Source: University of Illinois
Nauert PhD, R. (2018). Co-Parenting After A Violent Marriage: What to Expect. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 2, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/news/2017/11/20/co-parenting-after-a-violent-marriage/128994.html