Researchers have found that when a long marriage has troubles, women worry, become sad and get frustrated. For men, it’s sheer frustration and not much more.
The study appears in the Journal of Gerontology: Social Sciences, and finds gender differences when long-married partners are asked about their marital relationship.
Dr. Deborah Carr, a Rutgers University sociology professor, looked at sadness, worry, and frustration, the negative emotions commonly reported by older adults. She found men and women in long-term marriages deal with marriage difficulties differently.
“The men don’t really want to talk about it or spend too much time thinking about it,” said Carr. “Men often don’t want to express vulnerable emotions, while women are much more comfortable expressing sadness or worry.”
The finding supports Carr’s belief that men and women have very different emotional reactions to the strain and support they experience in marriage. While talking about issues and offering support makes the wives — who traditionally feel responsible for sustaining the emotional climate of a marriage — feel good, this only frustrated the husbands surveyed.
“For women, getting a lot of support from their spouse is a positive experience,” said Carr. “Older men, however, may feel frustrated receiving lots of support from their wife, especially if it makes them feel helpless or less competent.”
In the study, 722 couples, married an average of 39 years, were asked how their marital experience and the reactions of their spouse affected them.
They responded to whether they could open up to their spouse if they needed to talk about their worries, whether their spouse appreciates them, understands the way they feel about things, argues with them, makes them feel tense, and gets on their nerves.
The husbands in the study more often rated their marriages positively and reported significantly higher levels of emotional support and lower levels of marital strain than their wives. But they felt frustrated giving as well as receiving support.
“Men who provide high levels of support to their wives may feel this frustration if they believe that they would rather be focusing their energies on another activity,” Carr said.
It may also have something to do with the age of the couples, with one spouse in the study having to be at least 60. Men of this generation may feel less competent if they need too much support from their wives, Carr said.