Forgiving ourselves for hurting another is easier if we take responsibility and make peace with our inner self.
Researchers say that giving our inner selves a “moral OK” is a significant action toward the healing process.
The study, by Thomas Carpenter, a doctoral student in Baylor University’s College of Arts and Sciences is published in The Journal of Positive Psychology.
Carpenter believes taking responsibility for an action, then making amends with oneself, allows self-restoration.
“One of the barriers people face in forgiving themselves appears to be that people feel morally obligated to hang on to those feelings,” Carpenter said.
“They feel they deserve to feel bad. Our study found that making amends gives us permission to let go.”
The research article was based on two studies. In the first, 269 participants recalled diverse “real-world” offenses they had committed, ranging from romantic betrayals to physical injury to gossip to rejection.
In the second study, 208 participants were asked about a hypothetical wrong.
In the first study, participants were asked how much they have forgiven themselves for an actual offense; how much they had tried such efforts as apology, asking forgiveness and restitution; how much they felt the other person had forgiven them; and how much they saw self-forgiveness as morally appropriate.
The more they made amends, the more they felt self-forgiveness was morally permissible. Further, receiving forgiveness appeared to help people feel it was morally all right to let go.
Researchers said one limitation of the first study was that the offenses varied from person to person.
So to further test their hypotheses, in Study Two they used a standardized hypothetical offense — failing to take the blame for the action that caused a friend’s firing.
This study revealed similar results to the first, although — unlike in Study One — receiving forgiveness from someone else had little effect on whether one forgave oneself.
The research also showed that the guiltier a person felt and the more serious the wrong, the less he or she was likely to self-forgive.
Making amends also appeared to help people self-forgive by reducing those feelings, the researchers found. Also, women were generally less self-forgiving than men.
Self-forgiveness may be “morally ambiguous territory,” researchers wrote, and “individuals may, at times, believe that they deserve to continue to pay for their wrongs.”
But by making amends, they may be able to “tip the scales of justice.”
Source: Baylor University