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Going With the Flow of Talk Brings Couples Closer

Conversations With Partner Important for Relationship SuccessRewarding conversations with a significant other grants special benefits to young adults.

Researchers say the connection allows each partner an opportunity to relieve stress and anxiety and helps to improve relationship satisfaction.

The findings stem from research by Kansas State University psychologist Dr. Brenda McDaniel as she studied conflict and conflict recovery in young dating couples. McDaniel reviewed self-reported questionnaires, documented physiological markers of stress and videotaped emotional reactions.

She also has looked at factors that relate to positive dating relationships or problematic relationships.

In the current study, McDaniel and her team worked with more than 50 couples ages 18 to 20 who had been dating for a least six months but were not engaged, married or living together.

“These relationships are, by nature, unstable to begin with,” McDaniel said. “They are early dating relationships. Sometimes it is hard to even get the couples to engage in conflict. Conflict does exist but, because the relationship is so new to them, they don’t want to cause a break-up.”

To observe stress hormone levels, researchers had participants spend 20 minutes talking about a topic that continually causes relationship tension. Often, conflict occurred when one partner treated the other differently in front of family, did not introduce the other to parents and friends, or was flirting with someone else.

“Typically, the couple is not going to come to a resolution regarding the reoccurring conflict within the 20 minute discussion,” McDaniel said. “But we want to get the stress response to see how couples recover from that relationship stress.”

As part of the research design, the stressful discussion was followed by a 20 minutes discussion of a positive shared time during their relationship. These conversations often included reminiscing about their first date, remembering their first kiss or a vacation together.

The researchers tracked physiological markers of stress and videotaped emotional reaction before, during and after both the conflict discussion and the happier discussion.

“Whenever you get into a fight and you get amped up, it is typically more adaptive to let that go after the fight,” McDaniel said. “If you ruminate and keep that anger, it can have negative mental and physical consequences. It’s better to have a nice downward recovery after conflict.”

To see if a downward recovery occurred in couples, researchers examined levels of the stress hormone cortisol before the conflict discussion, after the conflict discussion and after the “happy times” discussion.

Specifically, researchers discovered that if the cortisol levels resembled an inverted V shape — low before the conflict discussion, high after the conflict discussion, and low again after the happier discussion — the person often reported higher relationship satisfaction and higher relationship closeness. Participants whose cortisol levels stayed high instead of coming back down after the happier discussion reported lower relationship satisfaction and less relationship closeness.

Positive relationships were also associated with smooth conversational flow. “Those individuals whose stress hormone levels remained high didn’t enter into that state of flow.”

Flow is like being “in the zone,” McDaniel said. People might be in a state of flow if they are so engaged they lose track of time, or get a sense of enjoyment or creativity from an experience. Flow is often used to describe an athlete who is “hot” during a basketball game or a painter during the creation of a painting.

“A majority of the literature focuses on experiencing flow in a job or activity,” McDaniel said. “But our study examined how couples might experience flow during conversation.”

Investigators discovered that staying or engaging in the flow is often associated with positive characteristics of relationships. However, researchers found that the flow could be one-sided, that is, a person who was happy and in a positive mood could engage in flow even if his or her partner was not “in the zone.”

McDaniel said this disconnect in flow may be because of the nature of late adolescent relationships — 18- to 20-year-olds are still more focused on themselves than on others.

Among this age group, each party may focus only on how they feel about the relationship and what they are getting out of it — rather than a mutual process that includes how the other person feels about the relationship.

“While more research needs to be done, this positive rewarding state of flow during conversation may be one of the factors that create enduring marital relationships,” McDaniel said. “Hence, these early relationships may serve as practice for later long-term relationship.”

McDaniel also has a recommendation for young dating couples who want to improve their relationship.

“Try to engage in as much conversation as you can with potential romantic partners,” McDaniel said. “The partners that provide you with the most rewarding experience during those conversations are likely the ones to pursue.”

Source: Kansas State University

Going With the Flow of Talk Brings Couples Closer

Rick Nauert PhD

Rick Nauert, PhDDr. Rick Nauert has over 25 years experience in clinical, administrative and academic healthcare. He is currently an associate professor for Rocky Mountain University of Health Professionals doctoral program in health promotion and wellness. Dr. Nauert began his career as a clinical physical therapist and served as a regional manager for a publicly traded multidisciplinary rehabilitation agency for 12 years. He has masters degrees in health-fitness management and healthcare administration and a doctoral degree from The University of Texas at Austin focused on health care informatics, health administration, health education and health policy. His research efforts included the area of telehealth with a specialty in disease management.

APA Reference
Nauert PhD, R. (2018). Going With the Flow of Talk Brings Couples Closer. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 27, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Aug 2018 (Originally: 10 Feb 2012)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Aug 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.