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Love Me, Love My Language

Love Me, Love My LanguageResearchers have found that people who speak in similar styles tend to be more compatible as couples. 

Psychologists have known that dating people tend to be attracted to, date, and marry other people who resemble themselves in terms of personality, values, and physical appearance. But these features apparently only skim the surface of what makes a relationship work.

A new study looking at compatibility published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, focused on what are called “function words.” These aren’t nouns and verbs; they’re the words that show how those words relate.

They’re hard to explicitly define, but we use them all the time — words like “the,” “a,” “be,” “anything,” “that,” “will,” “him,” and “and.” How we use these words constitutes our writing and speaking style, said study co-author Dr. James Pennebaker of the University of Texas at Austin.

“Function words are highly social and they require social skills to use,” he said.

“For example, if I’m talking about the article that’s coming out, and in a few minutes I make some reference to ‘the article,’ you and I both know what ‘the article’ means.” But someone who wasn’t part of that conversation wouldn’t understand.

Pennebaker, doctoral student Molly Ireland and their colleagues examined whether the speaking and writing styles couples adopt during conversation with each other predict future dating behavior and the long-term strength of relationships.

They conducted two experiments in which a computer program compared partners’ language styles.

In the first study, pairs of college students had four-minute speed dates while their conversations were recorded. Almost every pair covered the same topics: What’s your major? Where are you from? How do you like college?

Every conversation sounded more or less the same to the naked ear, but text analysis revealed stark differences in language synchrony. The pairs whose language style matching scores were above average were almost four times as likely to want future contact as pairs whose speaking styles were out of sync.

A second study revealed the same pattern in everyday online chats between dating couples over the course of 10 days.

Almost 80 percent of the couples whose writing style matched were still dating three months later, compared with approximately 54 percent of the couples who didn’t match as well.

What people are saying to each other is important, but how they are saying it may be even more telling. People aren’t consciously synchronizing their speech, Pennebaker said.

“What’s wonderful about this is we don’t really make that decision; it just comes out of our mouths.”

INTERACTIVE APPLICATION: Are you wondering whether you and your partner have matching language styles? Visit James Pennebaker’s “In Synch: Language Style Matching” application online to find out!

Source: Association for Psychological Science

Love Me, Love My Language

Rick Nauert PhD

Rick Nauert, PhDDr. Rick Nauert has over 25 years experience in clinical, administrative and academic healthcare. He is currently an associate professor for Rocky Mountain University of Health Professionals doctoral program in health promotion and wellness. Dr. Nauert began his career as a clinical physical therapist and served as a regional manager for a publicly traded multidisciplinary rehabilitation agency for 12 years. He has masters degrees in health-fitness management and healthcare administration and a doctoral degree from The University of Texas at Austin focused on health care informatics, health administration, health education and health policy. His research efforts included the area of telehealth with a specialty in disease management.

APA Reference
Nauert PhD, R. (2018). Love Me, Love My Language. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 3, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Aug 2018 (Originally: 26 Jan 2011)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Aug 2018
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