Talking to Your Child
About the Loss of a Loved One

Part 7: Should Children Visit the Dying or Attend a Funeral?

J.W. Worden, Ph.D.


Most fatally ill people are hospitalized, and, as a rule, hospitals do not extend visiting privileges to children. But this is beginning to change as hospital staffs recognize the value that can be derived from having children visit. Whether or not a particular child should visit someone who is dying depends on the child, the patient, and the situation. A child who is old enough to understand what is happening probably should be permitted to visit someone who has played an important role in her life, providing that both she and the dying person wish it.

Under the right circumstances, contact with the dying can be useful to a youngster. It may diminish the mystery of death and help her develop more realistic ways of coping. It can open avenues of communication, reducing the loneliness often felt by both the living and the dying. The opportunity to bring a moment of happiness to a dying individual might help a child feel useful and less helpless.

If a child is to visit someone who is dying, she needs to be thoroughly prepared for what she will hear and see. The condition and appearance of the patient should be described, and any sickroom equipment she will see should be explained in advance. Also, it may be wise to remind her that although she is visiting someone who is dying, most hospital patients get well.

If visits are not feasible, telephone calls may be a handy substitute. The sound of a child’s voice could be a good medicine for a hospitalized relative, providing the child wishes to call and the patient is well enough to receive it.

Under no circumstances should a child be coerced or made to feel guilty if she chooses not to call or visit the dying or if her contacts are brief.

Should Children Attend Funerals?

Funerals serve a valuable function. Every society has some form of ceremony to help the living acknowledge, accept and cope with the loss of a loved one. Whether or not a particular child should be included again depends on the child and the situation. If the child is old enough to understand and wants to participate, being included may help her accept the reality of the death while in the supportive company of family and friends.

If a child is to attend a funeral, she should be prepared for what she will hear and see before, during, and after the services. She should be aware that on such a sad occasion people will be expressing their bereavement in various ways and that some will be crying. If possible, someone who is calm and can give serious consideration and answers to questions she may ask should accompany the child. If she prefers not to attend the funeral, she must not be coerced or made to feel guilty.

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Mar 2015
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