The Dark Side of Loneliness
Many people, especially codependents, are haunted by inner loneliness. Twenty percent (60 million) of Americans report that loneliness is the source of their suffering. In fact, our emotional reaction to rejection emanates from the area of our brain (the dorsal anterior cingulated) that also responds to physical pain (Cacioppo and Patrick, 2008).
Loneliness vs. Aloneness
Loneliness is associated with living alone, which surveys indicate has steadily risen to 27 percent in 2013 and to 50 percent and higher in parts of Florida, West Virginia, and especially California. However, solitude and being alone only describe a physical condition. We don’t always feel lonely when we’re alone. Individual needs for connection vary. Some people choose to live solo and are happier doing so. They don’t suffer the same sense of abandonment caused by the unwanted loss of a partner through a breakup, divorce, or death. They may also have greater inherited insensitivity to social disconnection, according to recent research.
Loneliness in Relationships
Although loneliness is greater among people living alone, it can be felt while in a relationship or group. This is because it’s the quality, not the quantity, of social interactions that determines whether we feel connected. As the number of work hours and household television sets has increased, family dinners have declined. Today, although the quantity of interactions has increased, due to the proliferation of cell phones, screen time is replacing face time. People spend more time on their digital devices than in face-to-face conversations, contributing to more loneliness (Cacioppo, 2012).
A UCLA study showed that social skills are declining as a result. There’s a 40 percent decline in empathy among college students due to new technology, and 12-year-olds are socially behaving like 8-year-olds. Recently, Pew Research Center found that 82 percent of adults felt that the way they used their phones in social settings hurt the conversation.
Codependency and Lack of Intimacy
The absence of someone nurturing to listen, care, and affirm our existence makes us feel isolated or emotionally abandoned. Although intimate connections are the remedy, characteristically, codependent relationships lack intimacy. Codependents have difficulty with intimacy due to shame and poor communication skills. Often they partner with someone addicted, abusive, or just emotionally unavailable (and they may be, as well.)
Whether alone or in a relationship, codependents may be unable to identify the source of their unhappiness. They may feel depressed, sad, or bored, yet not know that they’re lonely. Others know, but find it difficult to effectively ask for their needs. Their relationship dynamics and loneliness may seem familiar, like the emotional dysfunction in their childhood. We want and need emotional closeness from our partner and friends, but when an intimate, emotional bond is lacking, we experience disconnection and emptiness. (For more on emptiness and healing, see Chapter 4, “There’s a Hole in My Bucket” in Conquering Shame and Codependency.)
Years ago, I believed that more shared activities would create that missing connection, not realizing it was something less tangible — real intimacy, which was absent in my relationship. (See “Your Intimacy Index.”) Instead, like most codependents, I experienced “pseudo-intimacy,” which can take the form of a romantic “fantasy bond,” shared activities, intense sexuality, or a relationship where only one partner is vulnerable, while the other acts as advisor, confidant, provider, or emotional caretaker.
The undercurrent of loneliness and fear of loneliness stem from chronic lack of connectedness and loneliness in childhood. While some children are neglected or abused, the majority grow up in families where parents don’t have the time or sufficient emotional resources to honor their children’s feelings and needs. Children feel ignored, unloved, shamed, or alone. Some feel like an outsider, that “No one gets me,” even though their family otherwise appears to be normal. To cope, they withdraw, accommodate, rebel, or take up addictions, and mask and, eventually, deny what they feel inside.