Power, Control & Codependency
Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met.
When we feel empowered, we can manage our emotions, we believe that we matter and that we can affect outcomes. We have a sense of efficacy in our lives, rather than being at the effect of others and circumstances. Instead of reacting, we can act because we have an internal locus-of-control.
In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and needs, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. We might feel like we’re being mean or raising our voice when we merely state what we want or don’t like. This impaired sense of power is common among codependents and stems from:
- A habitual external focus
- Shame and low self-esteem – not feeling worthy
- Dependence and lack of autonomy – excessive need for a relationship
- Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions
- Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships
- Fear of rejection and abandonment
- Need for others’ love and approval to feel content and happy
- Denial of needs, wants, and feelings
- Having unreasonable expectations of others
- Lack of self-responsibility (victim-blame mentality)
Power Imbalances in Relationships
Many relationships have power imbalances. If we’ve denied our power and don’t express ourselves for any of the above reasons, it’s natural for someone else to fill the vacuum. Often in codependent relationships, one partner – sometimes an addict, narcissist, or abuser – wields power over the other. Usually the acquiescent partner attempts to exert influence in indirect or passive-aggressive ways, such as withholding. Chronic lack of power can lead to depression and physical symptoms.
In somewhat healthier relationships, both partners vie for power in ongoing power struggles. These typically revolve around money, chores, child care, and negotiating how and with whom time is spent. To avoid conflict, some couples segregate domains where they each exercise more control. Historically, mothers ruled the roost and fathers earned more and controlled finances. This continues in many families despite women’s improved earning power, especially when they have young children.
Traditional roles are changing and becoming more egalitarian. Men are participating more in child care and parenting. By working or having power outside the home, women learn that they can function outside the marriage. This potentially gives them greater power within the relationship. Some partners become resentful when everything isn’t split 50-50, but more critical is the perception of unfairness and imbalanced power. This can happen when our feelings and needs are ignored. We don’t feel listened to or that our input matters. We feel unimportant and resentful. When we have no influence, we feel disrespected and powerless.
Self-worth and autonomy are a prerequisite to sharing power and feeling entitled to express our desires and needs, including needs for respect and reciprocity. In a healthy relationship, power is shared. Both partners take responsibility for themselves and to the relationship. Decisions are made jointly, and they feel safe and valued enough to be vulnerable. They’re able to say what they like and don’t like and what they want and won’t tolerate. Relationships and intimacy require boundaries. Otherwise, risking honest self-expression feels too threatening. Boundaries ensure mutual respect and the happiness of both partners.
Codependents and Power
Codependents generally grow up in families where power was exercised over them in a dominant-submissive pattern. Their needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. When personal power and self-worth isn’t encouraged, we come to believe that power and love can’t coexist. Power gets a bad rep. We’re afraid of our own power and to feel safe and loved learn to accommodate and please others. For girls, this can be reinforced in families where women and girls are viewed as second-class or not encouraged to be assertive, autonomous, educated, and self-supporting.