Only 16 But I’m Paranoid & Hallucinating
I am currently 16 years old and live in New Jersey. When I was 6 years old, my parents got a divorce and I moved around New Jersey and New York State a few times. I seemed ‘normal’ to my family around in elementary school, just was dealing with being multiply disabled which was a struggle for me. I did have friends, but not many at all. Not the smartest student in all my years including today, I started to get very depressed when middle school arrived, so I isolated myself and changed completely who I was.
I first noticed I had a problem around the end of 6th grade. I didn’t do great academically because the work was a big struggle for me, so I would sit in the back corner of the classroom and do nothing. I never talked in school, because I was ashamed that I felt I wasn’t capable of the work. I then looked at my IEP evaluation which basically told me my learning skills were around early elementary. I felt like I was the dumbest one in the school, so I panicked.
I then eventually started dressing differently, because I thought people didn’t like me for me; I thought I had to be perfect like everyone else was. So I got depressed. I started to dress in baggy men’s-type of clothes, never did my hair, I would sometimes go to school in my pajamas. My personality changed drastically, I wouldn’t talk to anyone at all, but on the other hand I would be nice at times, then very angry for no reason, self-conscious, got very paranoid then eventually severely depressed.
That year of school was all right compared to the later years for me. I did nothing during the summer, except sitting in the house all day sulking. 7th grade came along for me and the first day of school I was eavesdropping at lunch from a group of students and they said a boy in my school started cutting himself because he was depressed. Then I had an idea for me to try it. So I went home that day and started to cut my legs deeply, surprisingly for the first it felt amazing, for the first time in a long time I was happy and felt satisfied with myself.
During the school year, I started to hallucinate and see animals on my teacher’s desk, heard ‘someone’ writing on the chalkboard when I was left alone in the room, my name being called behind my in the back of the room, and I couldn’t figure out if it was a male or female voice. So I got severely paranoid and couldn’t pay attention in class even more. I constantly looked around the room to see if someone was watching me, I thought things on shelves like books had cameras in them, then eventually convinced myself I saw the devil in the hallway while walking to the bathroom. That day, I went home and I cut my arms up really bad. I then cut crosses in my legs because I thought God was going to be watching me and the bad things would go away forever.
8th grade came along, and still I was hallucinating, paranoid, struggled in school even more, and got my first boyfriend. I met him online off a teen hookup website, 13 at the time, he was 18. I thought that was the coolest thing in the world and I decided to meet him. I went to his house, we were making out and then he wanted to watch a movie in his room. He pressured me and I agreed. He said anytime I want to stop, he’ll stop, but he never did. He just told me to be quiet and one minute, I tried pushing him off while crying, well, he was too strong for me. I went to school upset, and tired thinking about what happened. I brought a razor to school and cut underneath my sweatshirt in class and the bathroom. My teacher who has been always nice to me, brought me out in the hallway and asked what was wrong. I cried, kicked and punched lockers and screamed in anger I wanted to kill myself. She brought me to guidance, they yelled at me for wanting attention and then sent me to the hospital the next morning.
Got out of the psych hospital within a week and a day, I came back to school the same. I then got sent to a partial program for two months, half days. Most of the year went by and I was still the same mentally, it didn’t help me.
Summer came, I did nothing again. 9th grade came for me and I had a good head on my shoulders out of the blue. Halfway into the year I did great academically because I was put in special education classes but got freehanded grades because the teachers couldn’t take my struggles. February came, so I started attempting to kill myself in any way I could think of, and cutting became like an everyday necessity for me. I was sent to the hospital again; within a week I was out. It didn’t help me at all.