I have been thinking. I have 6 Angels waiting for me in Heaven. I have miscarriages. The couple weeks surrounding Mother’s Day contain several significant dates for me anyway. May 8th was the 7th anniversary of losing the 2nd twin. The first one was in April. May 11th is the day I discovered we had SIGNIFICANT problems in our marriage which ended in a divorce. It is full of dates that are bittersweet and a few that were downright heartwrenching. But with 6 miscarriages I have dates spread throughout the year so it is an unavoidable time of remembrance for a person who is good with dates.
But Mother’s Day….
Mother’s Day hurts for those who are Mommies but don’t have them with us.
See, in my heart I am still a Mommy. I am a Mommy because when I get to Heaven I will see my children again. But I am not a Mom according to the standards of society. I am not recognized because no one else can see my children. I know they exist. I know they were created by God inside me. I know they will forever have a place in my heart.
But even when I explain antiphospholipid antibody syndromethe blood clotting disorder responsible for my miscarriagesto people, and the story behind why my children are not here with me most nonbelievers dismiss it. Some believers acknowledge the children but dismiss the heartache that goes with losing them because “they were not actually born.” I have actually had people tell me I was better off not having the baby because there MUST have been something wrong with them. But some come around me and help to hold me up when I don’t feel like I can do it on my own…God puts them in my life to be a physical reminder of His love for me.
I was even told by a pastor (not of my church or denomination) that my children were not in Heaven because they were not baptized…for the record I do NOT believe that! My favorite has to be the “Well you can try again” statement. Like that child was replaceable? or didn’t matter? That is the last thing you want to hear at that moment.
But God’s Word tells us that He knew us before we were formed in our mother’s womb. God’s word is what I hold onto when no one else understands. See, I have met very few people who are in the same situation as me. I know they are out there but no one talks about it. Miscarriages are overlooked at times because there is often no funeral, no big event. Many times we are completely alone in a bathroom or a doctor’s office when we get the news. It is often silently suffered through because we choose not to tell people about the early pregnancy results “just in case.” And then our world is shattered…
But here is the good news.
We are not really ever alone. God is with us.
I will be honest that even as a believer it took me a long time to wrap my mind around this idea. I looked at it from a perspective of God being a passive observer as I suffered through this loss time after time. I asked the “Why me?” question over and over. People were even willing to come to my pity parties…sometimes they would bring refreshments but that is a different post altogether.
Perspective is a funny thing…the reality was much different than my perspective. God was with me the entire time. I believe He was holding me in His arms crying with me. I know He was just as heartbroken as I.
I used to have a shoebox but now I have a chest. It is a special place where I keep memories of my children. It has a few ultrasound pictures, appointment cards, memory candle, glass hearts and a book. It also has a picture that I had laminated of Jesus holding a baby up in the air and they are both laughing. I know my children are up there playing and having a great time…and waiting for me.
It took me a long time to get to this place…a lot of prayer time with God and the support (and prayers) of a few very Godly women.
But it still hurts. Many times I can’t hold a newborn child because it pulls too hard on my heart. It was literally years before I could go to a baby shower. There were times that I thought I would lose my mind working in daycare. But I allowed myself to grieve the loss of my children.
Sometimes those friends you counted on get pregnant and have babies themselves. It is difficult to watch others go on and have successful pregnancies when you cannot do the same. This is part of the grieving process. I learned that if I do not continue to grieve for my children as the situations arise then I go backward…and it hurts even more until I finish processing my feelings.
Many women also struggle with infertility and also grieve on this day but it is a different type…cut them a little slack as well.
But back to Mother’s Day….
I am a Mommy but my babies are all Angels waiting for me. I don’t say any of this for sympathy or pity. Just a point of awareness…Be aware of those around you.
So if you see a woman who seems sad on Mother’s Day just send up a quick prayer for her.
And if you happen to be in the same spot as me keep this verse in mind:
For the time will come when you will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’