Lessons from my Depression
I was in a hopeless, dark place about seven years ago. I was living in a single room on the thirteenth floor of a building. One day it felt like it made more sense to jump from the window than to find the energy to continue with life. I think it was the right choice I made to live on.
When I talk to people on an intimate level, I find that many admit to being depressed at one point in their lives. Many admit to such suicidal moments. Unfortunately there are still a lot of us who prefer to mask our vulnerabilities, especially socially. Depression is thus a lonely space.
I am sharing my personal story of using alternative healing methods and a change in lifestyle to regain my mental health. I suggest some changes in healing from depression that could be useful to you.
I had recently lost a job. I had been unsuccessful at the attempts to find a match via the Indian matrimony hunt. In my last trip back home, my father had refused to let me come home for a break. He had called me a personal and professional failure. That had hurt very deeply. My mother had watched silently. It felt like there was a numbing pain in my heart and I din’t see a way out.
That morning when death had made sense, it shocked me deeply as well. That I was depressed struck me like lightning one morning in Mumbai. I took action. I wandered out of that building and down the road. I found a psychiatrist’s (or was it psychologist’s) office close by. I walked in; the woman was not in. I called her and she brusquely told me to make an appointment for another day. A painful moment especially from the mental corner I was in that morning.
I had texted a friend earlier asking for a referral to a homeopath. His reply was quick. God bless him. The homeopath was not far away. I sat numbly in the homeopath’s clinic till the last patient left. The homeopathic medicine was like a fresh shot of blood to my body and mind. The next couple of days were powerfully transformative. I got a glimpse of what life could be without the brain fog. I had not known much about homeopathy till then. As long as it worked like it did, I didn’t care.
I had carried around the brain fog for years. It had crept up on me slowly and the toxic external circumstances had added fuel over the years. Sometimes I speculate that my depression had a genetic component. It took me months and many visits to the homeopath to get some sense of life back into me. I decided to move to an intentional community. However, the final moment of leaving Mumbai was not smooth. My landlord, by then tired of my unemployed status, threatened to move my possessions to the road. These external shocks hurt me very deeply. One thing is for sure, the recovery from depression should be in a safe and emotionally easy environment.
At this point, when I left Mumbai for Auroville, I had less blackness in my mind than before. I had somewhat more energy. My mind settled at a place above pain. I still could not be functional. I felt shy, awkward and vulnerable in conversations with people. I could only do a minimum of work that I did not enjoy. Any stress would lead me back to the feeling of heaviness.