Some of the things that I’ve learned, became more vigilant with, and developed some moxie:
- I’ve been able to make a bad day or a bad situation work every time — I don’t like stress but stress is a million times better than being manic. Simply put: stress when the mental state is normal is nothing compared to being manic, so I usually thrive on these situations now.
- In the four years out of it I’ve had one minor mania episode (not fun) last year and got rid of it fast (an experiment that was legal) due to no depression systems
- I can stand up for myself when called for, conquered most of my fears, and I don’t feel as bad when I miss out on things – this is due to remembering that I shouldn’t even be alive.
- I can be outside along with other things for hours on mindfulness – this is mainly because I went from such a scary state of mind to just being in the moment enjoying the smallest things, and it also reminds the new me that I’m not here to impress anyone and cannot be coerced into doing things that I know are potential triggers or I just don’t want to do.
- going to the ocean (one time only) I had inner peace in the first time in my adult life and thought how can anyone be judgmental, and materialistic when people are getting killed because they think their opinions and beliefs are right.
- I will have no regrets on how I live the rest of my life because I should have been dead in my mid-20s.
I know the last one might sound self-absorbed to some people, but without the hope I know that I would be dead; especially now that I know of effective ways to commit suicide without physical pain.
The biggest things that I’m most thankful for – getting to know my mom, dad and a brother better, not being so naïve (occasionally still having problems with this), forming two great friendships over the last year, having a better perception on who I am (introverted and proud of it), and lastly enjoying the smallest things in life.
Last year I got a little off track because I thought I was missing out on some things, but when I experienced them I remembered that what the mainstream news media perceives as having the good life is not so glamourous as they perceive it to be. One example is some people think the only way to be happy is to have money and a good job. Tell that to Owen Wilson (this is the last person that I thought would ever be suicidal), and many other millionaires that have attempted or succeeded at suicide. After my first two years out of my bad mental state I had a 35 percent pay decrease and it didn’t even faze me; quite laughable to me when thinking of how I felt when I was in my bad mental state.
I don’t regret any of my years living and I enjoyed most of my adolescent years, but sometimes I’m quite angered looking back. Some of the reasons are – I was very naive all those years, past friends are hard to be around now because my old self creeps its ugly head in some times and the other is I know that the new me would’ve been great friends with my grandpa who passed away three and a half years ago.
A couple of issues I still have, but not to the severity – looking back on how I was vs. now and comparing the two lives with different scenarios, sometimes this is a great feeling, and other times its quite frustrating. The other is sometimes my sensitivity gets the best of me and then I become a pushover and get manipulated into things that I know are only going to aggravate me and when I don’t I then feel guilty later.
When I was in my bad mental state, I never thought that suicide would hurt anyone and certainly was not going to do it out of revenge. I had a great, loving family, I was not a zombie, I did not take pills before going to the hospitals, and it was not a chemical imbalance. The help of my family members helped me a great deal but it did not matter at the time because I could not handle myself and saw nothing in the future that was going to make me feel good on a consistent daily basis. So give the person you care about a break if they’re suicidal, be understanding, especially if they see no hope in the future, and don’t be afraid to call 911 if necessary; they will thank you later when they find their way to a better mental state.