I’m 28 years old and for the last four years I haven’t had one suicidal thought or intention because one thing changed my whole perception on life in ways I never thought possible.
Around seven years ago I started having mania with depression systems so I decided to move 1,000 miles in hope of a better life. The move helped for a while due to a new adventure, but a while later the bipolar escalated beyond what I thought it could ever reach and the options were bleak at the time. I hated myself (hidden learning disabilities, also thought I had to fit into the extrovert world) already and I felt like I was somewhat cheated, so it was like pouring gasoline on fire when other people would say harsh judgments to me whether they were true or false. I was lost, trapped, hopeless, helpless, felt like a burden, felt worthless, and to sum up my manic systems – they were unbearably frightening especially at night time because I felt like I could run 100 miles an hour (this was not a good feeling) but at the same time I wanted to knock myself out cold because I knew that I was doomed.
The whole year I contemplated suicide (I’ll spare the graphic details), and had to be admitted to a hospital for a week and then another for two weeks. I remember when I left the last hospital I had a couple of good days (nothing like now though), but would go back to felling just as suicidal as before. I know this will not make anyone feel better that lost a loved one to suicide, but this is how sick my mental state got – I tried to go through the actions of offing myself, but I could not muster up the courage to go through with it; not because I was scared of dying, for I was scared of not doing it right and ending up paralyzed.
Four years ago on this month my hope (a music genre that I heard for the first time ever) came out of nowhere. The music (I listen on average 45 minutes a day) vs. a talk therapist (I know this helps a lot of people though) is: the talk therapist made me feel safe (because every time I thought I would be cured when I left) for the hour, but when I left the session I would feel just as miserable as ever. The new music genre makes me feel good when listening to it, but most importantly I feel safe (words cannot describe this for me) and at ease when I’m not listening to it.
I will admit the first two years out of my bad mental state were my favorite. I would have a blank look on my face with the biggest inside smile and broke down every so often; this was because the hope was new to me as well a shock and then combining it with thinking that I should be dead just manifested these emotions – mainly because I was drained of being suicidal every second of the days and never thought I would have so much joy for life and be at ease. I took advantage to just be one with nature and enjoyed doing different things that I never got the chance to before. One example would be in my miserable mental state I never enjoyed sunsets and rises; instead I would look off a five-story building trying to make myself jump off; right after the hope came I started to recognize with mindfulness on how peaceful sunsets and rises are as well as other unique scenery.
Some of the other things after the hope came: I no longer felt lonely, I loved waking up every morning, the best part was and still is having no suicidal intentions or thoughts (I never thought they would go away), harsh judgments bounce off better (90 percent of the time), I appreciate what I have, I no longer chase goals, dreams, and enjoy living in the present by living the life of journey vs. destination (this goes for everything in life) and not to be embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and frustrated in myself for not accomplishing certain things. Funny thing is some could have been a disaster after I got out of my bad mental state. My beliefs and what I wanted were altered kind of like I was reborn. I also never thought I would enjoy learning about science, sociology, history, politics, religions, cultures, art, and etc. As well as I finally enjoy independent movies (Into the Wild is one of them) that have life lessons and makes you think of life in someone else’s shoes.
The last two years I’ve incorporated some task in my life, so if and when I fail at something it’s not a big deal, because my hope makes me feel that failure (as long as I enjoy the task and try my hardest) is OK and that life (a joyful mental state and freedom) is much bigger than success.