Can You Love Too Much?
Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them, but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love.
Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and so much hurt. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship. We might also confuse love with being someone’s caretaker.
Caretaking vs. Caregiving
Parental love is expected to be unconditional and one-sided toward their young children. As they grow, good parenting includes mutual respect for each other’s boundaries. Caregiving is a normal outgrowth of love and is also part of healthy adult relationships. When someone we love is in need, we naturally want to help. Yet there’s a difference between “caregiving” and codependent “caretaking.” In the latter situation, we might care for someone in a manner that is intrusive or enabling. We do harm to the other person and risk sacrificing our own lives in the process.
With codependent caretaking, often there’s more “taking” than giving. The caretaker’s objectives can subtly take precedence. This is because caregiving comes from abundance, and caretaking emanates from need and deprivation. Caretaking can become so habitual that it enables and disables the recipient, so that he or she doesn’t take responsibility for his or her behavior and needs. It treats that person like a child who doesn’t have to grow up and reinforces his or her lack of confidence. Again, due to lack of boundaries, caretaking eventually negatively affects the relationship as a whole.
When one partner acts as a caretaker of the other, it creates an imbalance and unhealthy mutual dependency — codependence. The caretaker doesn’t have to be as vulnerable as his or her partner. The caretaker feels needed and superior and at the same time is assured that his or her partner won’t leave. Over time, both end up feeling guilty and angry. The more a caretaker becomes invested in the problems of his or her partner, the more that advice and control characterize the dynamic between them. What may have started out as an act of love devolves into resentment when well-meaning advice or wisdom isn’t followed.
So how can you tell the difference between caregiving and caretaking? Here are some of the differences:
- Sacrifices self
- Self-righteous — puts own opinion first
- Helping is compulsive
- Feels responsible for others; often not for self
- Crosses boundaries
- Is judgmental
- Gives unsolicited advice
- Knows what’s best for others
- Gives with strings attached or expectations
- Feels exhausted, irritated, frustrated, anxious
- Feels unappreciated or resentful
- Discourages others from thinking for themselves
- Uses nonassertive, pushy, judging, “you” statements
- Tries to control recipient