Am I a Monster? Common Features of Pedophilia OCD
Among the many themes within OCD there is perhaps no theme that carries more shame, guilt, self-loathing and stigma than pOCD. Despite the fact that there is no tangible difference between OCD themes in terms of development, maintenance and treatment, those suffering with pOCD tend to take ownership of OCD and view themselves as repugnant, vile, terrible people. In line with this stigma, those suffering with pOCD are almost always hesitant to describe what they are experiencing to a psychologist (if they are lucky enough to recognize that this is OCD). The word “pedophile” or “molester” is often whispered inaudibly during the initial sessions. Descriptions of pOCD are typically preempted with questions regarding confidentiality or previous experience treating OCD or a warning that “you may judge me and think this is atrocious but here it goes.”
The idea of coming to therapy and talking about something that is deemed so shameful feels like an impossible undertaking. This is unfortunately reinforced by society and to a lesser extent, the mental health field, which does not have an adequate understanding of pOCD. Numerous therapists make the harmful mistake of informing someone with pOCD that this is not OCD, they are a dangerous individual and/or should be seeking sex therapy. Sadly, this promotes the message to the pOCD sufferer that they are horrible people who do not have OCD.
Spikes tend to revolve around past, current or future behavior.
Common past-oriented spikes:
- “Did I ever do anything inappropriately sexual when I was younger?”
- “Did I do anything recently that was sexually inappropriate?”
- “Have I ever been attracted to an adolescent or child?”
- “Did I ever molest anyone?”
- “Could ambiguous action X be construed as sexual?”
- “Have I accidentally clicked on child porn?”
- “Does a person from my past know something that suggests I’m a pedophile?”
Common present-oriented spikes:
- “Am I attracted to this 10-year-old in front of me?”
- “Was I just checking out this 13-year-old girl?”
- “Did someone just notice me doing something strange?”
- “I should stand on the other side of the subway, away from this 6-year-old boy so that I don’t impulsively grope him.”
- “Am I sexually aroused by this little girl on TV?”
Common future-oriented spikes:
- “How do I know I will never engage in pedophilic behavior?”
- “What if, one day, I really am attracted to children?”
- “What is the right way to hold/hug/change a child?”
- “What if I get arrested and go to jail?”
- “Will I be creepy or do something inappropriate when I have a baby?”
Reassurance seeking is common within this theme. Individuals with pOCD will ask friends and loved ones questions aimed at figuring out this threatening unknown. Endless hours are spent mentally ruminating in an attempt to alleviate anxiety. Checking the physical environment to ensure that insidious behavior has not occurred is also common. Incessant answer seeking also occurs on the Internet through Google searches and online forums. Common searches include looking up infamous pedophiles and comparing to oneself or sifting through legal jargon to prepare for feared consequences. The hope is to find a nugget of information from anyone, anywhere that will extinguish the horrific threat. The Internet can be an extremely debilitating weapon that leads individuals with pOCD down the proverbial rabbit hole.
There is a considerable amount of testing that takes place within this theme. Individuals with pOCD feel compelled to compare their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and sexual arousal when they are around adults and children. The hope is that this will serve as a pedophilia litmus test. As mentioned earlier, this inevitably yields a multitude of false positives that lends itself to further ritualizing. While all of these rituals serve to temporarily relieve anxiety, they ultimately prevent someone with pOCD from progressing in treatment.