My name is Alice and I live in New Zealand, and have lived here all my life. I am 24 years old, although I feel like I am still that small five-year-old girl going through horrid trauma. In one year, it seems, I endured quite a lot, and remember it so vividly as if it were only yesterday. Sometimes the flashbacks make me feel like it’s happening all over again.
After school one day, not long after I had started school, I waited for my father to pick me up. Instead a man came in the playground and snatched me up. He took me out toward the road, and tried to put me into his car. I struggled, screamed, cried, until I couldn’t breathe. He had me in the car, and was about to drive off, when two bigger kids from the senior class pulled me out of his strong grasp.
Another time at school, the caretaker (who is a member of my family) decided that I was very pretty and he had to touch me in ways I didn’t know existed. He decided to touch me a lot more after that, right up until I was about 13 years old.
Also when I was 13, my father had an affair and decided to leave us for her. That affected me a lot. I woke up in the morning and mum was crying in my baby brother’s room, and dad was yelling that he didn’t love her anymore. He walked out the door and drove off and left me screaming at the door.
The next two years are just a blur to me. Apparently I was like a zombie. In class I just sat there with a blank expression, but nobody did anything to help me. They helped my brother because of his anger issues, and mum got counseling also. Because I was so quiet and suffering in silence I got no help. Only now does my family regret me not getting help then. I came to when I was about 8, and my life started getting worse from then on.
All through school I was known as the freak, the strange girl. I was the favorite topic for rumors, and the favorite pick for school yard bullying. I found it hard to trust anyone to be my friend, and if I did, I was let down. I decided that no one could be trusted. Not even family. In high school I had one friend, and when school ended, she lost interest in me, and decided I was no longer worth her company.
I never did well in school. I just didn’t try hard enough, because I already knew that whatever I do will never be good enough. I thought I was tainted, dirty, worthless, unwanted and unintelligent. Although I got on with the teachers and I always followed the rules, I just never fit into school the way the other students did… even the misbehaving people seemed to fit… but not me. I felt like I was the odd one out.
When I left school I didn’t know what to do. I decided to try again to pass some exams. This time I did it through correspondence so I didn’t have to deal with people. I started to really learn and actually understand things, until the day I had a girl I knew from high school turn up at my door. She needed a friend and she thought I did as well, so we decided to hang out. She got me into alcohol and I used that as a way of numbing the painful feelings I have from the past. Then my marks went down and I failed school, again. After that year I noticed that this so-called friend was a thief, and a liar. I no longer trusted her, and made a stronger vow that I will never have another friend. People can’t be trusted. Not one single person.