Social media attracts all types of personalities. Different folks come to Facebook for different reasons. Over the years, I have noticed some patterns in the types of persons who show up on your pages. They cover a wide range of personalities each with their own quirks. Some are adorable; others are outright disgusting and a nuisance. I have attempted to put together a list of those I have encountered. I’m sure you could add to this list. I’ve tried to add my “tongue in cheek” psychological evaluation to each.
1. The Cicada person. Cicadas are these giant bugs that come out every 17 years from hibernation. Like cicadas, they show up once and then disappear. This type of personality opens up a Facebook page and never comes back. You can tell because they put one, two, or no pictures. The pictures are ancient looking. Psychological evaluation: a person that hides even from himself.
2. The Vanishing Shadow. This type of person opens up a page, places a non-person picture, either of nature or an artist drawing. Psychological evaluation: “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing?”
3. The Invisible Man. This person opens up a page and puts nothing on it. They are dust in the wind. Psychological evaluation: “I am the Nowhere Man” (see the Beatles).
4. The “Mean Mama-catching Man”. This male person puts up a picture of himself showing their abs and a sexually provocative look on their face. The look says, “Don’t you wish you had this?” Their album is full of endless selfies, making themselves look like a CQ model or Pitbull, the performer, or just some fool full of himself. Psychological evaluation: “I just hit puberty the other day.”
5. The Narcissist Diva. This lady promotes her upper rib cage as she looks at you with puckered lips and a side of “gluteus maximus” trying to communicate, “I’m the most beautiful thing God ever created. Don’t you agree?” Check out her photo album and all you see are a thousand “selfies” of in front of every mirror. Psychological evaluation: “I’m still waiting to hear Daddy tell me that I’m beautiful!”
6. The Meme Queen/King. This person invades your Facebook page with 5-10 picture memes every three to five hours. It seems that they just discovered there are people on the planet and that you can communicate with them. Psychological evaluation: “Nobody listens to me.”
7. The Game Annoyer. Every few days I get an invitation to play a game at the request of someone that knows me or thinks they know me. When these pop up, I wish I had a game that I could send to them that would blast their game to pieces. Psychological evaluation: “I have nothing to do with my life so I’m addicted to these games. Don’t you want to, also?”
8. The “Suck you into my Group” person. I find myself getting bombarded by tons of posts from groups with causes I never would care about. I later find that someone signed me up against my will. What is a real pain is when you sign yourself off, and they come back and sign up you again. Psychological evaluation: “My group is the best and only group to join.”
9. The Crusader. This person is on a mission to convert the world to their view of something. I’ve had religious persons bombard my page, atheists spew hatred at theists, pro and anti climate change folks crying doom, political zealots dumping all kinds of attacks on their opposition (all sides), pro-gun/anti-gun, herbivores attacking meat lovers, anti-drugs versus pro-drugs, natural versus traditional medicine, “Lets hold hands around the globe” types versus anti-illuminati world shadow government, pro-capitalism versus “Lets lynch the 1%” types, etc. I have to shut these down. I can only take so much. Psychological evaluation: “I want to feel better about myself so I will change the world by joining some cult movement.”
10. The Food photogs. What’s with these people? Are they trying to tell you they are the world’s greatest cook and that you should eat what they eat, that the food was an excellent artistic creation, or what? Psychological evaluation: “I always wanted to be a famous chef.”
11. The Animal religionist. These are constantly barraging your page with puppy and kitty pictures designed to break your heart. I always wondered what would happen if you put this person in a room with someone who raises and sells dogs for consumption. He, he, he… Psychological evaluation: “God and humans let me down, years ago. So I only care about animals.”
12. The Ranter. This person is like the Crusader, except that they are always negative about something. They never post except to trash something. They want us to listen to them but they do not have the neurons to listen back. Psychological evaluation: “Drama is my drug!”
13. The Event/Business promoter. These are constantly filling up your page with new things happening that they want you to come to. You ask these guys about them and they don’t answer. They just promote, promote, and promote. Anyone heard of “living?” Psychological evaluation: “I don’t have a life so I fill my life with lots of fun activity.”
14. The Shadow-Lurker. This person hardly communicates but he or she is almost omnipresent watching you and me. These are the anti-socials of the web. Probably sick puppies. Psychological evaluation: “I’m a Mama’s boy. I fear the real and messy world. I’m a germophobe. I never have had a girlfriend. I play video games all day.”
15. The-gym-and-club-person. This personality only posts about their physical workouts, their Spartan competitions, etc. I’ve seen also the variation that all they post is only bar or restaurant photos with their girlfriends or buds. They live for clubbing or the gym. “My life is boring.”
16. Grandma (the actual person). She finally figured out how to get on Facebook. She needs her grandchildren to help her get online. Sweetness and syrup all over her grandchildren pictures. Psychological evaluation: “Don’t sweat the small stuff. It is all small stuff… Be thankful. Live and love!”
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