Today has been a hard day, I woke up in a slump and haven’t been able to break its hold on me all day. I moped and complained and I truly gave in to the awfulness that consumed me the entire day and stole my happiness yet again today.
I had been doing fairly well. I had been very carefully (I thought) taking my medications on time and I was having a hard time figuring out why this dark cloud seemed to linger over my head making me feel as less than the person I know I am. When I feel down, I doubt the person I know I can be, I doubt my abilities and in my confidence and my ability to do simplest of tasks. I worry immensely of others judging me. I believe I am not good enough to ever make a mark in this world and I think that my existence is non instrumental in anyone’s lives. Where I know logically these statements are not true, in my mind they are very real to my sick bipolar 1, GAD, ADHD, PTSD mind.
I now have to break this cycle of downward swing and as quickly as I can. I start by evaluating what I am doing with my medications and making sure I haven’t accidentally missed any doses of medications at all. I keep my meds in a monthly divider and I fill it at the start of the month, only some of my medications run out mid-month and I won’t go back and put them in and just will open the bottle each day and take it.
I realized tonight I have missed 3 days of a very important antipsychotic to my regimen. This was the medication that broke my cycle of depression over 8 years ago and always sends me into a downward spiral when without it. In fact my husband has driven as far as two hours one way and two hours back to make sure I wouldn’t be stuck without it because it keeps me from having awful voices that tell me to harm myself. It also contains my anger issues. I know my medication currently is my trigger to my depression this time and knowing my triggers are the way to controlling this hell of bipolar disorder.
Today I was too tired to get off the couch. I barely ate. I tried to binge watch a TV show on Netflix but was too distracted. I let all my house work chores go un-touched. I am sure I let my family down. I did not cook them dinner. I did not return phone calls and I didn’t return emails. I canceled meetings and I didn’t shower for the third day in a row.
I hope tomorrow will be much better. I live in constant fear that a trigger is on the surface waiting to emerge to take me into a deep depression or to throw me into a full blown manic episode that will lead to psychosis that will end me up getting admitted to the hospital. I am either too happy or too sad — those middle feelings, those stable feelings, I just don’t know what they really are. I hope someday I do know what they are and how they feel. For now, though I will continue the daily struggle of waking up and not knowing which Tosha will emerge from under the blankets. I hope the happy, go lucky, fun-to-be-around, productive, full-of-energy person is up to the challenges the day brings her because she likes a good challenge, but more than anything I hope that I am just not too tired to get out of bed.