Loners get a bad rap. They are smeared as criminals, crazy people, haters, and people no one would ever want to befriend. All that is wrong.
If you want to understand why, there is no better source than the book by Anneli Rufus, Party of One: The Loners Manifesto. Loners, Rufus explains, are people who prefer to be alone. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. The preference for being alone is what distinguishes true loners from pseudo-loners, those people who may look like loners but really arent.
There are lots of reasons why people might spend a lot of time alone even though they dont want to. Maybe they are outcasts, who would love to be included but have instead been rejected. Maybe they have serious problems. Maybe they have something to hide. Those people are not true loners.
Party of One is a brilliant exploration of loners in relation to popular culture, advertising, technology, art, literature, religion, community, friendship, love, sex, and eccentricity. It is about the places loners love to go and to live. It is about their clothes, their childhoods, and their sanity.
It is not a new book, but it is a book I keep coming back to. Here I want to share with you some quotes from Anneli Rufus on key themes.
The true meaning of loner
A loner is someone who prefers to be alone.
With a nod to Twelfth Night, Rufus notes that loners are at our best when least in company.
We do not require company. The opposite: in varying degrees, it bores us, drains us, makes our eyes glaze over.
We need our space.
Loner is not a synonym for misanthrope. Nor is it one for hermit, celibate, or outcast. It is just that we are very selective. Verrry selective.
The special strengths of loners
We are the ones who know how to entertain ourselves. How to learn without taking a class. How to contemplate and how to create.
Loners have an innate advantage when it comes to being brave [and] when faced with the unknown. An advantage when it comes to being mindfulInnate advantages when it comes to imagination, concentration, inner disciplineA talent for seldom being bored.
What alone means to a loner
The word alone should not, for us, ring cold and hollow, but hot. Pulsing with potentiality. Alone as in distinct. Alone as in, Alone in his field. As in, Stand alone. As in, like it or not, Leave me alone.
for loners, the idea of solitude is not some stark departure from our normal state. We do not need writers to tell us how lovely apartness is, how sacred it was to the sages, what it did for Thoreau, that we must demand it.
Loners and their friends
Of course loners have friends. Fewer than most nonloners have, maybe. But loners, with our extra capacity for concentration, focus, our fewer distractions, make excellent friends.
For some loners, a paucity of friends is a matter of time. There is simply too much to do alone, no time to spareAnd time shared, even with true friends, often requires loners to put in extra time alone, overtime, to recharge.
As for nonloners: Sometimes it seems they would rather have anyone around than no one.
Loners as romantic partners
Loners have nothing against love, but are more careful about it.
Loners, if you can catch them, are well worth the trouble. They are curious, vigilant, full of surprises. They do not cling.
Loners and shyness
there is significant overlap between shy people and loners. But not all shy people are loners nor are all loners shy.
Loners, mental health, and mental health professionals
I am not crazy now, but forced to act like a nonloner for an extended period, I might go crazy.
About mental health professionals: If they ask whether we are alone by choice, they are doing their job. If they do not try to dissuade us, fine. If they move on from there to praise our self-awareness, our skill at choosing and living as we choose, they are doing their job. If they show us how to handle the slander, ensure, jokes, and misapprehensionthen they are doing their job.
Loners and criminals dont confuse the two
He was a loner is a crime-story clichBut learning the true stories of criminals who are called loners in the press reveals, with striking frequency, that these are not genuine lonersThey do not wish to be alone. Their dislike of being alone is what drives them to violence.
it takes a social man to become so possessive, so enmeshed with others, that his rage and jealousy over a breakup make him want to kill.
Some kidslike to play alone. Othersare outcasts.
Loners and the purported death of civilization
we no longer all need to be social animals in order to survive as a species. Mandatory social interaction is an evolutionary remnant which those who wish to may discard.