Sexual manipulation is more common than some might think. Here’s what it is and what it looks like.

When we think about sexual assault, we often think of physical force. However, many people are coerced into sex without physical pressure. This is known as sexual manipulation.

Sexual manipulation involves using words or actions to persuade an unwilling person to have sex. Sexual manipulation differs from flirting: while flirting might indicate romantic or sexual interest in someone else, sexual manipulation involves getting them to agree to sex when they actually don’t want to.

Sexual manipulation involves being manipulated or coerced into doing any sort of sexual activity.

Sexual manipulation can include threatening, guilt-tripping, or sulking when they’re rejected. It can also include giving you alcohol or drugs with the intention of getting you to have sex with them.

As the Office on Women’s Health points out, anyone can be the victim or perpetrator of sexual coercion, regardless of gender or orientation.

A person who is sexually manipulated might say yes and agree to sex because they are manipulated or threatened into doing so. Often, they feel like they can’t say no — if they do say no, they’ll be punished, hurt, or made to feel guilty. Alternatively, the manipulator might lie to them in order to get them to have sex under false pretenses.

Sadly, sexual manipulation is common — according to a 2019 review, one in three women and one in ten men report experiencing sexual coercion.

What is emotional manipulation?

Emotional manipulation is defined as trying to control, exploit, or influence someone’s feelings, behaviors, or thoughts, usually so that the manipulator can get an outcome in their favor.

Most people engage in manipulation at some point: a teenager might sulk to get their parents to give in to them, a friend might guilt-trip you for being sick on their birthday. The stakes aren’t always the same, and some people do it intentionally while others don’t.

However, most of us eventually learn that manipulation isn’t okay. Manipulating someone sexually, in particular, is unacceptable and deeply hurtful.

Sexual manipulation tactics can be verbal or behavioral. Manipulators might use one or more of these tactics. While sexual manipulation can seem obvious and overt in some cases, it can also be subtle.

Threats

Sexual manipulation can include threatening someone — not just in terms of their physical safety, but also threatening things that matter to them. For example, a sexual manipulator might threaten to fire or evict someone, or cause them social, financial, or emotional difficulties.

These threats might be obvious or subtle.

Examples:

  • “I’ll out you to your family if you don’t sleep with me.”
  • “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll tell your wife we’ve been having an affair.”
  • “If you’re not going to have sex with me, I’ll leave you and find someone who will.”
  • “It would be a pity if you lost your job/home/friends/relationships over this.”

Guilt-tripping

This is when a manipulator intends to make you feel guilty so that you’ll have sex with them.

Examples:

  • “I thought you loved me. I guess I was wrong.”
  • “I also wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who’s as ugly as me.”
  • “I just paid for your dinner. You owe me.”

Playing on your insecurities

Manipulators might use your insecurities to convince you to have sex with them.

Examples:

  • “You don’t want to look like a prude, do you?”
  • “It’s fine. You’re probably terrible in bed anyway.”
  • “You sure you want to waste this opportunity? Someone who looks like you might not get many.”

Gaslighting

A term that’s gained popularity over the past few years, gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation where someone tries to control the way another person sees themselves and their own experiences. They might cause them to doubt their sanity, their memory, or their perception of the world.

Examples:

  • “You actually already consented earlier, you just don’t remember.”
  • “You always get too sensitive. Let’s just do it.”
  • “You liked it the last time, you just don’t remember.”

Lying

To convince you to have sex with them, a manipulator might explicitly lie to you.

Examples:

  • They might lie about themselves, including their age, job, interests, or experiences, in order to get you to sleep with them.
  • If you object because they’re in a relationship or married, they might lie by saying they’re in an open relationship or in the process of divorcing when they’re not.

Punishment

A manipulator might punish you for rejecting them sexually. When you say no, they might try to make you feel bad so that you agree next time. This punishment could be obvious or more passive-aggressive. For example, they might accept your rejection but sulk for the rest of the week.

Examples:

  • Sulking or “the silent treatment
  • Becoming more critical and mean
  • Intentionally “forgetting” important things

Is coercion sexual assault?

Yes. Although the definition of sexual assault can vary from country to country, most states include sexual coercion in their legal definition of assault. This is because sexual coercion means you aren’t freely giving your consent — you’re being manipulated into it.

If someone you know is trying to manipulate you sexually, it can sometimes be difficult to identify — and even harder to know how to respond.

Here are some tips for responding when faced with sexual manipulation.

  • Be firm in your boundaries. If they continue to try to manipulate you, you can reiterate that no is your final answer and that you don’t take kindly to being pressured.
  • Enforce those boundaries. If their manipulation continues, honor your boundaries and decision by removing yourself from the situation. Get up, walk out, stop talking to them if need be.
  • Remember that they’re manipulating you. They might insult you, use your insecurities against you, or make you feel like you’re losing your sanity, but remember that everything they say needs to be viewed with skepticism because they are manipulating you.
  • Know that it’s not your fault. Whether they successfully manipulated you or not, whether it’s happened before or not, it’s not your fault. The manipulation is the responsibility of the manipulator alone.

Lastly, consider finding help. It’s not always easy to walk away from a sexual manipulator if you’re dependent on them, for example, if they’re your boss, partner, or landlord.

If you’re having any difficulty navigating abuse or sexual manipulation, you can contact:

Sexual manipulation is not okay. If you’ve been sexually manipulated, know that it’s not your fault and that you’re not alone.

Although it isn’t always easy to notice and understand sexual manipulation when it’s happening, you may be able to get better insight by tuning into how a person is making you feel about sex.

If you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex or afraid, you may want to consider if it’s because you’re being sexually manipulated.