Reallythink. Is it coincidence that onlineinformation on narcissism is getting a bitmisleading, wittingly or unwittingly, in the direction of feeding into a narcissist’sgoalsto blame-shift the labelonto those they victimize,and then trick well meaning others to side with them?
One also wonders, how much of the practice of “no contact,” on the increase as well, plays into the isolation goals of narcissists to separate those they prey onaway from vitalsupport systems, parents in particular, but also siblings, friends, etc.?
The same means are being used among others, misinformation, gaslighting, smokescreens and lies to achieve the same ends, for example, derail the discussion focus, distort the truth, confuse, blame-shift, etc., and thus,obfuscate the truthregardingwhat is and isn’t narcissism, in the public mind.
Amind is priceless. It is the doorway to what is perhaps most priceless to you: your heart. A narcissist lusts for both,to stealwhat’s precious to you.
This post calls those involved with narcissists toalert and awake, and to keep reminding one another as needed, thatfirst and foremost, when interactingwith a narcissist, clients and therapists alike, the need toprotect yourbrain’s capacity to think is apriority.
First, you need your mind to separate the truth from thelies,regardingwhat is and isn’t narcissism.
Onceyou see the real problem isthe lies he tells himself and you, you begin to begin to understand that lies and illusions haveno power over you apart from what you think. You always have a choice to see the lies for what they are. And to see the hold theyoncehad on your mind … was neverreal. It was alwaysan illusion.
The narcissist’s only power rests on erecting lies and illusions that cripple the thinking brain withfear. Once you see that it’s only an illusion, a one-dimensional paper bird cage, you’re free to fly.
So, to tell the truth, who is the real narcissist? A narcissist identifies himself by his goals.Like an addict, he’s out to stealwhat is precious to you, first, your mind and heart.
And how do you know these are hisgoals?You always calibrate on behavior. (This applies to all human behaviors. That’s proven science, by the way.)
What peopledo, on a regular basis, their patterns of behavior, how theyrespond, their automatic reactions in particular, tell you what their goals are, what they’re most afraid of, whatoutcomes they seek, most everything you really need to know.
Their behavior patterns, much lesswhat they say, tells you what their goals and objectives are, and what he really means when he says ‘I love you.’
Anarcissist displays a specificpattern of behaviors and responses that he is proud to put on display for all to see. Gaslighting,to train you to silence yourwantsand see yourself as”emotionally crazy” for having needs, etc., is oneexample of an automatic response.
To break free, you need to take back your ability toconsciously think. Not out of fear, out of love. Once you have your thinking back,you can protectyour heart, and never give itaway, ever again. Not to anyone, not even your children.
That’s why his ego is so fragile, so easily wounded. His life is a house of cards because it is built on lies; he’s trying to be something that is not humanly possible, without causing harm and suffering to himself and those around him.
To fly free, keep the wise words of Franklin Roosevelt in mind, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”
Your journey to freedom, at least in part, is about learning to separate healthy fears, ones that foster wisdom, from unhealthy ones, ones that cripple the brain’s capacity to think. (Thoughts that activate the survival system of the body, place the thinking brain in offline mode.)
As a woman, you especially need your heart, your love for your Self and Life, to come out and stay free of the fog of narcissistic fantasies.
You cannot fix him because he doesn’t want to be regarded as human. Human is inferior to him.
A narcissist lives in a fantasy of lies and illusions, a topsy-turvy world, in which the inhumane is normal, and the humane abnormal.
His ideal world is a never ending battle between the mighty and weak, and those that view the truth and beauty of the human heart as their biggest threat, and objects who stop believing in the power of kindness and connection, and serve at the pleasure of the heartless master.
To a narcissist,truth is the biggest enemy. His overall goal is to attack the ability of your brain to discern truth from lies. Depending on whether his style iscovert or overt in nature, he has aspecific intention to prove his self-worth and right to dominate, with the use ofproven thought-control methods to subjugate another’s will to exploit for their own gain.
In hisfantasy, his idealized viewof the world isthe norm, and everyone else is abnormal, in particular, those who believe in a humane world, collaborative relationships and in the truth that allhuman beings are born with inalienable rights to life, liberty andthe pursuit of happiness, andopportunities to enrich their lives.To a narcissist, only a select few are entitled to the pleasures of life.
The rules of hisgame are found in an oppressor’s playbook: to take over their mind, demoralize them,by finding what they wantandhope for, and deprive them; find out what they don’t want/fear, do that.
(And when their attacks extend to causing criminal harms and ruin, suchasphysical violence, stealing, etc., then they meet the criteria for psychopath, or antisocial personality disorder, APD.)
A narcissistviews a woman, as an object, who should not feel pain, have an opinion, feelings of her own or a say in how she’s treated. It’s her job, society has raised him to believe, to make him feel manly, to know what he wants and needs without him asking, and it’s his job is to train her, like a pet, to never expect the same of him.
It’s not uncommon for men, who are not narcissists, to hold the belief, and feel it’s emasculating to give or listen to what the woman in his life wants, needs, would love to have.
This is baffling to women, most of whom are socialized to love and enjoy giving and supporting others to get what they want and love.
This is more reason why, as a woman, you must never be persuaded by romantic fairy tales togive your heartaway.You needyour heartto stay strong in yourlove for yourSelf, and all those you love, to include the man in your life, to come out of the fog of narcissisticfantasies, as well as codependency ones.
The sad reality is that, even the nicest guys out there, hard-working providers, kind and generous tofriends, family, involved with their children, hold back when it comes to responding to the emotional love needs ofthe woman in their life … because to do so, men believe, would beunmanly, dangerous, emasculating, and the like.
Social norms that idealize dominance and might-makes-right views of relationships still prevail, and preventmen from seeingthe emotional closeness and nonsexual affection that their female partner seeks as human love, not male or female, not dangerous, or “crazy,” or unmanly. Those illusions are based on hatred and disgust for the humane attributes of our nature that are associated with women, children, weakness, and so on.
The point is, healing depends on clarity and truth. Lies repeated over and over, can have the effect of crippling the higher thinking areas of the brain from otherwise amazing abilities to think clearly and separate truth from lies.
The list of goals below are all reasons a narcissist needsprofessional help,yet also whyhe rarely seeks or stays in therapy. It’s about looking for easy prey, changingothers to serve their interests, to prove they can.
A narcissist goals are more than mind-games, they are aform of calculated thought control measures, in which he seeks to subjugate and subvert a woman’s will, depriving her from wantingany pleasure apart fromwhat pleases him.
To him, it’s a training ofher mind to increasingly:
- Workingharder, spin her wheels as he’s never happy, mostlymiserable.
- Doubting herself, her thinking, memory, sanity and even her physical health.
- Takingthe blame for any negativeeffects of his treatment on her mental, emotional and physical health.
- Obsessing about failing to make him feel happy and secure in her love and loyalty.
- Averting her attention away from her own wants, needs and happiness.
- Seeing herself asirrelevant and insignificant in relation to him.
- Working hard to make him feel like a superior and godlike master who owns her.
- Silencingher self, rather thanbother him with her trivial “womanly” wants, needs, pain, dreams,etc.
- Disassociating from noticing his cruelty, seeing only his good side.
- Feelinginvisible in relation to him, his wants, his needs, his dreams, his happiness, and so on.
- Colluding to make his narcissistic fantasy of himself as master, and her as object, a reality.
- Blamingherself for the ways he mistreats or hurts others, to include the children.
- Getting co-addicted to being used like a drug to give into whatever makes him happy.
- Perceiving as normal thathetreats herlike an object, who has no wants, needs, feelings, etc.
- Crippling her ability to think so that she never sees or questions the unhealthy things he wants,does or says.
- Feeling so fearful of upsetting him that she goes along with whatever he demands.
- Isolating her from those who love, admire or support her, her family and children in particular.
- Making her judge and suspicions of those who don’t side with him, her parents in particular, so that shesees them as her enemies.
- Taking over her mind and heart and soul to fulfill his narcissistic fantasy of himself.
- Thinking, feeling and believing only thoughts, feelings and beliefs he wants her to think, feel and believe.
- Accusing her of doing what he does, i.e., controlling, selfish, narcissistic.
- Feeling anxious, questioning her appearance, sexuality, attractiveness in relation to other women.
- Taking no credit, and giving him all the credit for what is good.
- Feeling responsible for anything bad, and taking the blamewith exaggerated intensity.