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Reader Question: How Can I Spice Up My ‘Monotogamy’?

Reader Question: How Can I Spice Up My 'Monotogamy'?Reader Monotogamous (do you see how I’m trying to coin that phrase?  Monotonous monogamy?  Come on, that’s pretty good) writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and I feel I am getting emotionally detached from him because we never have sex … I saw that he was watching porn all the time a few days ago and it bothered me because I feel he’s lost interest in me sexually and physically. I feel as if we are just friends. What are some ideas I could use to bring “love” back?

Well, M, I applaud you for trying to bring the spark back into your relationship. As far as I see it, there are three main areas in a relationship: Sex, Trust, and Communication.

1. Sex

In order to improve your sex life, we need to examine three criteria: Frequency, Compatibility, and Passion.

Frequency: Do you have sex at least once a week? I consider this a good goal for a young couple, with more being better. If you don’t have sex at least once a week, you’re going to lose interest in each other. Having sex keeps you connected and keeps both of your sex drives up. Commit to having sex at least once a week.

Compatibility: What sexual activities do both of you like? Does he always want oral sex but you can’t stand it? Then don’t start with that. You can build up to more exciting activities, but for now focus on once a week, doing something you both like. (Guy on top intercourse is usually a winner, in that neither partner usually hates it.)

Passion: In order to cultivate passion, you need to feel truly connected. This means you must also touch and kiss every day, even if sex is just once a week. You also must feel known, loved, and understood in order to let go of your inhibitions.

2. Trust

Do you and your partner trust each other? Are you, for example, confident that your boyfriend loves you and that he is committed to the relationship? Does he feel the same about you?

If there has been a history of infidelity, or even of constant “minor” lying, this suspicious feeling can erode connection. You may end up feeling distant and detached from one another, as you describe. If trust is an issue, you may want to seek couples counseling.

3. Communication

You’re describing a situation where you and your boyfriend do not seem to talk or connect much. I would recommend the following to enhance communication. Each week you set aside 30 minutes for an emotional check in, during which you ask each other how you’re feeling about the relationship. Set an egg timer so you stay there the whole time, and you’re not allowed to talk about anything but how you’re feeling emotionally about each other.

And during the week, every day, set aside 10 minutes to talk about topics you never really discuss. Here are some to start with:

  1. When did you first realize you loved me?
  2. What did you learn about marriage from your parents?
  3. What is your favorite thing I do for you?
  4. What’s your favorite memory of us?
  5. What’s your favorite memory from being a kid?
  6. What’s your favorite sexual memory of us? (This can lead back to sex.)

Make up more questions from there. Each day discuss a new open ended question (foreshadowing … I may be giving you, my faithful readers, a longer list of questions soon). The goal is to get to know your partner on a deeper level. Between this, and working on your physical connection, you should see an increase in feelings of closeness.

If you don’t, though, it may be time to ask yourself some hard questions about the relationship. You’re not even married and already you’re feeling more distant. What will happen in the future? I urge you to think clearly about this if my advice doesn’t help.

Good luck, and I wish you the best at rekindling your love. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants Your Relationship To Get That Loving Feeling Back, Because It’s Gone, Gone, Gone, Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa.

For more, visit Dr. Rodman at Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, or on Twitter.


Reader Question: How Can I Spice Up My ‘Monotogamy’?

Samantha Rodman, PhD

Dr. Samantha Rodman is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Maryland and the founder of She is the author of How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Divorce, and 52 Emails To Transform Your Marriage, available on Amazon.

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APA Reference
Rodman, S. (2018). Reader Question: How Can I Spice Up My ‘Monotogamy’?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 3, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Jul 2018 (Originally: 4 Sep 2014)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Jul 2018
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