Podcast: Dwelling on the Past Mistakes Caused by Mental Illness
Once we reach recovery from mental illness, we tend to dwell on the mistakes of our past. Thoughts of failures and people we’ve hurt ruminate inside our head and make it difficult to move forward.
Why do we think about these things? Does it protect us, make us feel better, or is it way to keep us from moving forward? In this episode, our hosts discuss their past failures in the hopes it allows our listeners to realize living in the past only really accomplishes one thing . . .
“It just creeps into the deep dark depths of my head and it just goes around, and around, and around.”
– Michelle Hammer
Highlights From ‘Ruminations’’ Episode
[2:00] We are talking about ruminations today
[4:30] Ruminations feed delusions
[6:00] Gabe dwells on his past wives
[8:20] Michelle ruminates about how her brother treated her in the past
[11:00] Gabe tried to set up his brother to get in trouble
[13:00] We want Michelle to make amends with her brother
[18:00] Why ruminating is detrimental to your health.
[19:30] Gabe dwells about his biological father
[21:00] Why can’t we just get over things and move on?
Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Dwelling on the Past Mistakes Caused by Mental Illness’ Show
Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.
Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, and A Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.
Gabe: [00:00:19] You’re listening to a person living with bipolar, a person living with schizophrenia, and a digital portable media file. My name is Gabe Howard and I’m a person living with bipolar disorder.
Michelle: [00:00:28] Hi, I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m a person living with schizophrenia. Are you guys happy now?
Gabe: [00:00:33] Yeah. See we changed it for everybody.
Michelle: [00:00:36] My god, don’t write any more letters. Please stay off our social media. Person first language, okay?
Gabe: [00:00:43] I think we did it. I think, you know, by doing it this way, though we have now wiped out discrimination. We’ve wiped out stigma. There’s enough beds for everybody. Homelessness due to mental illness is gone. There’s nobody incarcerated in prisons. By using person first language we have solved all of those other problems, right?
Michelle: [00:01:04] We must of. That’s why person’s first language is always number one comment we get. Absolutely.
Gabe: [00:01:09] Hang on. I’m getting a weird text message.
Michelle: [00:01:11] Oh. Oh no, what happened?
Gabe: [00:01:13] Yeah. It turns out we didn’t do anything. We didn’t do anything. Like a person first language. It didn’t. It didn’t solve any problems. No. Now people are mad at us for mocking them.
Michelle: [00:01:22] Oh, no! We mocked people? We never make fun of anything on this show.
Gabe: [00:01:27] We were always so polite and professional and educational. We never say fuck.
Michelle: [00:01:32] We never say fuck, or suck my dick, or your –
Gabe: [00:01:37] [Laughter]
Michelle: [00:01:37] God, Gabe, what are you laughing at? I’m being really serious right now. I’m a person living with schizophrenia. I am a person living with my past.
Gabe: [00:01:45] You’re a person living with your past?
Michelle: [00:01:46] My past that I dwell on with my ruminations. Now I’m going to ruminate about this situation: that I couldn’t make the world better. I need to make the world better. Gabe, I need to make the world better.
Gabe: [00:01:58] This is the worst segue in the history of our show. And that, that’s saying something. Because we’ve had some mighty awful segues.
Michelle: [00:02:08] What are we doing?
Gabe: [00:02:11] In case you haven’t figured it out, ladies and gentlemen, we are talking about things that we have ruminated on both before we were diagnosed, during like the recovery period where we’re trying to get better, and things that still kind of haunt us today and we are going to desperately eke 20 minutes out of this.
Michelle: [00:02:26] Desperately.
Gabe: [00:02:28] So Michelle what are some ruminations that like today think the last six months as longtime listener of this show know we’re in recovery. You are doing quite well despite the fact that you’re a schizophrenic. I am doing quite well despite the fact that I’m living with bipolar disorder we’ve gotten over mania depression psychosis and everything in between. But we still ruminate on things because one everybody does. We should probably start there. Do you think that ruminating about things is the domain of only people with mental illness or do you think that everybody ruminates?
Michelle: [00:02:59] I think everybody ruminates to a certain extent. It’s fine ruminating, you just can’t stop it is when it really gets out of control.
Gabe: [00:03:07] I like that we’ve challenged ourselves to put the word “ruminating” in this show as many times as possible.
Michelle: [00:03:13] How do you spell this word?
Gabe: [00:03:15] I have no idea. I have no idea that that’s really a problem for the show
Michelle: [00:03:19] Should we define ruminating for people?
Gabe: [00:03:20] Do it.
Michelle: [00:03:21] Ruminating is when you can think of the same thing over and over and over again you just cannot get it out of your head. It just goes around and around and around. Usually it drives you nuts.
Gabe: [00:03:33] So, for example, Michelle’s mother, who has absolutely no mental illness to speak of, ruminates about why Michelle is a failure.
Michelle: [00:03:42] Hey.
Gabe: [00:03:42] It just she can’t get it out of her head.
Michelle: [00:03:44] I’m not a failure.
Gabe: [00:03:45] I didn’t say that you were. I said that your mother ruminates about it.
Michelle: [00:03:47] She does not.
Gabe: [00:03:48] I mean maybe a little bit?
Michelle: [00:03:49] She doesn’t.
Gabe: [00:03:50] Okay well my mother despite having no mental illness whatsoever ruminates on whether or not I’m going to throw her under the bus on a podcast.
Michelle: [00:03:58] Does she?
Gabe: [00:03:58] I mean, probably.
Michelle: [00:03:59] I don’t know.
Gabe: [00:04:01] Yeah, I don’t think she gives a shit.
Michelle: [00:04:02] I often ruminate why I was fired from any previous job.
Gabe: [00:04:05] Do you ruminate about being fired from the job as a symptom of schizophrenia? Or is it just something that you wish you could go back in time and figure out?
Michelle: [00:04:14] Well it’s more like different situations that happened and how I wish I could have handled them differently.
Gabe: [00:04:19] But doesn’t everybody do that? Like do you ever do this? And be honest, I mean sincerely be honest. Remember we value honesty. Do you ever get in a fight with your girlfriend, and like you’re fighting, you’re yelling, you’re screaming, and then you retreat to separate corners. All is quiet. It’s over, you’ve made up and you think, “God, I wish I would have said that?” Or like you run through it in your mind?
Michelle: [00:04:40] But that’s different than ruminating.
Gabe: [00:04:42] Well, how is it?
Michelle: [00:04:43] Different for me? Because ruminating just doesn’t stop it. I’ll go around and around and around and even when I’m walking through the street walking through anything I almost will turn delusional and think I’m with those other people having that conversation start getting angry just start making the whole situation 8 million times worse than it was because I keep thinking about it over and over and over and over and over and over again. It won’t go away and if they hate it so much.
Gabe: [00:05:08] In your mind ruminating and delusions they feed each other?
Michelle: [00:05:13] Yes absolutely.
Gabe: [00:05:14] First you’re thinking about the thing. I got fired. They fired me. H.R. called walk me down with the seventh time I got. By the time you’re done you’re back in that time and place. You’re feeling it again and it’s like it’s happening right now. Even though it was three years ago.
Michelle: [00:05:26] Yes.
Gabe: [00:05:27] Wow. Does that still happen to you like in 2019? Does this still happen to Michelle Hammer?
Michelle: [00:05:32] Yes.
Gabe: [00:05:33] What’s the coping skill to get around it? Because you’re right. You’re a well accomplished person. Why do we care?
Michelle: [00:05:38] Honestly, talking about the ruminating thoughts. Because when you talk about the ruminating thoughts usually the person you’re talking to is going, “Why do you care so much about this?” You maybe talk it out a little bit, and then you’re like, “Wow. You’re right. Who cares about this dumb stupid person or this story or anything about the situation. It’s so useless why am I thinking about it so much and you can’t change the past anyway. You’re right. I talked it out. Now I feel better.
Gabe: [00:06:03] But can’t you kinda change the past? Can’t you remember it differently? You can’t you edit it in your mind, can’t you fix the things that have gone wrong previously in the future just like with different people?
Michelle: [00:06:16] You mean like learning from your past?
Gabe: [00:06:17] No. Learning sounds mature and we don’t really like that here.
Michelle: [00:06:21] OK. So then I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Gabe: [00:06:23] Here’s a good example. I’m on my third marriage. My wife is wonderful and I love her and this marriage has stood many many years. And I have no complaints. I want to say that right now. But I’ve been divorced twice. Not nasty divorces, but, you know, things that didn’t feel good. And I’ve been through breakups etc.. So every now and again my wife will do something and it will remind me of something that my ex-wife did and I’ll think. “Wait a minute. You know I let that go when wife number two did it. So I have to fix it with wife number three.” Even though they’re a completely different person. It’s a completely different time and nothing is the same except for maybe like one little thing. Don’t you ever do that? Like don’t you ever try to set a boundary with your current friend that you didn’t set with your last friend that is now you’re like mortal enemy?
Michelle: [00:07:10] No.
Gabe: [00:07:11] No?
Michelle: [00:07:11] No. Something that I do I know I do with my anxiety but I put on other people, is that I’ll start asking them a million questions about things. And then they’re like, “Why are you asking me a million questions?” And I’m like, “Oh, it’s my anxiety. I just wondered at the time? I just wondered if you know the place? I just wanted to know what you’re going to do after? What you are going to do before? I’m like, I’m just anxious. I’m sorry. I wanted to know.” If that makes any sense.
Gabe: [00:07:33] I certainly do that, too. You know like that constant time checking thing? That you don’t wanna be late?
Michelle: [00:07:37] Yes.
Gabe: [00:07:38] So what time is it? It’s four o’clock. OK. We have to be there at four thirty. What time is it? It’s four or one. OK. We have to be there at four thirty. What time is it? Dude ,it’s still four or one. But you know some of the things that are trapped in my head that I just can’t get out are just what a bad friend I was, or what a awful son I was, or what a terrible family member I was.
Michelle: [00:07:58] Yeah, yeah.
Gabe: [00:07:58] And sometimes I get mad at the people around me because I assume that they’re still mad at me because I’m still mad at me. Does stuff like that ever happen to you?
Michelle: [00:08:09] I mean, I still hold a lot of vendettas against my brother, which I owe to him. Right? Everyone says that I just dwell on the past. Even he says that I just, like, stay on the past. About when we’re very young. Me and my brother, and how mean he was to me and everything. We would see each other in the hallway of high school, and he wouldn’t even say hello to me. Yet, when he went off to college, and we were still using AIM, and he would instant message me, I would not reply. So he wouldn’t speak to me when he saw me in high school in the hallway, yet I stopped replying to him when he went off to college. And that was not OK. Which makes no sense to me. Yet, now we haven’t seen each other in a long time because he lives in another country. And when he comes back, I now have to be nice to him. Because I guess he’s a different person now? Yet, I never got any kind of apologies or anything like that, but I’m supposed to see that he’s a different person now. I don’t know why. And we’re supposed to be good friends now or something like that. I guess, just out of curiosity, why? I’m just wondering.
Gabe: [00:09:12] Is your brother a different person now?
Michelle: [00:09:14] Apparently, he’s a different person now. I don’t know. But-.
Gabe: [00:09:18] He had to leave the country to really get away with you.
Michelle: [00:09:20] I don’t know where it changed, but I’m supposed to treat him differently now. I’m supposed to forget everything from the past, all of the abuse from the past, and I’m supposed to like him now. I don’t know why.
Gabe: [00:09:31] I haven’t heard described any abuse. What you described is a couple of adult siblings that do not talk to each other.
Michelle: [00:09:36] No. Well okay.
Gabe: [00:09:37] What’s he mean to you? Did he call you names? Wait, did he pull your pigtails?
Michelle: [00:09:39] Well, he went to karate, and he would practice all of his karate moves on me. Constant wrestling, slamming my head into the ground until my nose bleeds. Calling me Michael instead of Michelle. Calling me a boy. That kind of went with Michael. Slamming the door in my face. Not letting me play with him. Like when we’re very little. Try to use his toys, not allowed to use his toys. Actually, when my mom and dad came home with me from the hospital when I was born, and they said, “Oh, Seth, here’s your sister.” He threw a stuffed animal at me. Yeah. I don’t know why they told me that story.
Gabe: [00:10:11] So he’s your older brother?
Michelle: [00:10:12] Yes.
Gabe: [00:10:12] Because you said that he threw a stuffed animal at you when you came home from the hospital and they told you that story and you’re putting this together with all of the other issues that you had with your brother growing up when you were kids?
Michelle: [00:10:27] Yeah and my like broke my necklace too, and then blamed me for it because that I was being annoying. So he had to push me and my necklace got in the way and it broke.
Gabe: [00:10:36] This is fabulous that you bring this up and here’s why. Because in my brother and sister’s world, I’m your older brother. I was the oldest. I was incredibly jealous of my brother. One time to get him in trouble when we were kids, I took syrup out of the pantry and I dumped it on the floor so that I could frame him for doing it. Knowing that he’d get in trouble. My mother just happened to be moving faster than normal that morning and watched me do it. And even though she saw me do it, I still tried to blame him for it. Absolutely, unequivocally, just hated having him as a brother. I was a top dog. I was the oldest. I used to live with Grandma. Then my mother remarried and nine months later I got this bastard in my house and I treated him like absolute garbage. Absolute garbage.
Michelle: [00:11:22] My favorite was when he would say, “You’re stupid.” And I would say, “No, you are stupid.” And then he would say, “Well, I’m smarter than you. So if I’m stupid, how dumb are you?
Gabe: [00:11:30] You know you’re an adult now, right?
Michelle: [00:11:31] I know. But obviously I can not get over this because I don’t understand why I’m supposed to like him now when I never received any kind of apology.
Gabe: [00:11:38] What kind of apology do you want when you were growing up?
Michelle: [00:11:41] Maybe just, “I’m sorry I was a horrible asshole to you, and ignored you for years and everything like that.”
Gabe: [00:11:47] Listen I never ever ever told my brother and sister, “I’m sorry. I was a horrible asshole to you.” Ever.
Michelle: [00:11:55] So that I don’t understand, why do I have to accept him back in my life?
Gabe: [00:11:59] I mean you don’t. But do you feel good right now?
Michelle: [00:12:01] I’m being told by everybody in my family that I need to accept him back in my life.
Gabe: [00:12:06] Okay. Well fuck them. Don’t. Just sit around and think about how pissed off and angry 8, 12, and 15 year old Michelle was.
Michelle: [00:12:13] Hang on one second, we’ve got to hear from our sponsor.
Announcer: [00:12:16] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.
Michelle: [00:12:44] Want us to answer your questions on the show? Head over to PsychCentral.com/BSPquestions and fill out the form.
Gabe: [00:12:54] We’re back, still trying to say the word rumination as many times as humanly possible. You’re 30 years old, you’ve moved on with your life. But you’re still thinking about shit that happened to you when you were literally eight years old.
Michelle: [00:13:06] Ok, I see where you’re going with this.
Gabe: [00:13:08] How is that working out for you?
Michelle: [00:13:08] I don’t know. I don’t see him. I don’t have to speak to him. And then my mom says, “Have you spoken to your brother? Have you texted him? Have you spoken to him?” Yeah. “I don’t like that you guys don’t have a relationship. Why do my children hate each other?”
Gabe: [00:13:23] Well, I mean you articulated why y’all hate each.
Michelle: [00:13:25] I know, I’m just saying, that’s what she says.
Gabe: [00:13:27] I mean, has he done anything to you as an adult? Let let’s establish that like right out. In the time that you both became adult grown people, has he? Or has he been fine?
Michelle: [00:13:36] Well, when I graduated college he was working at kind of in the design agency kind of area. His boss, the creative director, he wanted to give me some advice. So he brought me in and he looks at my portfolio and his boss said to me, “I like your stuff. I want to give you some help. I wanted to offer you like a part time internship here, but your brother said no”.
Gabe: [00:13:54] Well but you don’t know that’s true.
Michelle: [00:13:57] His boss said it to me.
Gabe: [00:13:58] Yeah, but so what? People lie all the time.
Michelle: [00:14:00] No that’s 100 percent something my brother would do. Why would he lie and say I would offer you an internship here, but your brother said no? Because why would he invite me to come there and look at my portfolio and see all of my work and give me advice? Why would he offer to do that?
Gabe: [00:14:16] If he was gonna tell you no, why did he do it at all?
Michelle: [00:14:17] He was just giving me advice. And he just said that he wanted to offer me an internship, and that he would totally do that for me, but my brother said no.
Gabe: [00:14:25] So your brother was the boss of his boss?
Michelle: [00:14:27] My brother said do not hire her as an intern.
Gabe: [00:14:31] Then why did he talk to you at all?
Michelle: [00:14:32] Because he wanted to give me advice.
Gabe: [00:14:34] Did you ask your brother about this?
Michelle: [00:14:36] No I wouldn’t want to start a fight.
Gabe: [00:14:39] But, I kinda smell a rat here.
Michelle: [00:14:41] No I don’t smell a rat here. Obviously, Gabe, you don’t know my brother if you don’t believe this story.
Gabe: [00:14:46] It just doesn’t have the ring of truth.
Michelle: [00:14:47] Actually, it does very much ring true.
Gabe: [00:14:50] Okay. Let’s say that that is completely true. It’s 100 percent.
Michelle: [00:14:52] Okay.
Gabe: [00:14:52] Let’s say it rings true?
Michelle: [00:14:54] Say it rings true? It’s 100 true.
Gabe: [00:14:55] Right, it’s 100 percent true. I agree. How long ago was that? How many years?
Michelle: [00:15:00] I believe I was 22. Okay so it was eight years ago.
Gabe: [00:15:04] Eight years? Everybody, Michelle Hammer is 30 years old.
Michelle: [00:15:04] You said adult life, Gabe. I was bringing up something in my adult life that’s it. So you know, it’s just so you know, you said something in my adult life.
Gabe: [00:15:14] I don’t know. I do not. You’re very upset about this.
Michelle: [00:15:17] He didn’t want me to work in the same place that he was working. You said adult life there you go or not.
Gabe: [00:15:25] But you keep repeating that.
Michelle: [00:15:26] Also, my brother lives in Colombia. Colombia the country, not the college. People have gotten that very mixed up before.
Gabe: [00:15:31] Did you throw your brother out of the country?
Michelle: [00:15:35] I’m glad he left.
Gabe: [00:15:35] Okay.
Michelle: [00:15:38] Meanwhile, you know who’s never been invited to Colombia to come see him?
Gabe: [00:15:40] I’m gonna go with you.
Michelle: [00:15:41] Yeah.
Gabe: [00:15:42] Do you think the reason you’ve never been invited is because you hate him?
Michelle: [00:15:48] He’s never invited me.
Gabe: [00:15:48] Because you hate him.
Michelle: [00:15:50] Well, he’s never invited me.
Gabe: [00:15:51] Because you hate him.
Michelle: [00:15:52] He’s never invited me.
Gabe: [00:15:53] Have you invited him to your house?
Michelle: [00:15:55] He’s been to my apartment. He’s been there.
Gabe: [00:15:58] You’re upset about this aren’t you?
Michelle: [00:15:58] Well, we’re dwelling on the past, Gabe.
Gabe: [00:16:00] You want to have a relationship with your brother, don’t you?
Michelle: [00:16:03] We do not get along.
Gabe: [00:16:05] I didn’t say do you get along. I said do you want to get along?
Michelle: [00:16:08] I want him to acknowledge what he’s done.
Gabe: [00:16:13] But why do you want him to acknowledge what he’s done?
Michelle: [00:16:16] Because he acts so innocent.
Gabe: [00:16:17] I’m being really serious.
Michelle: [00:16:19] Like look, he acts like he did nothing wrong. And then the past is of the past and I should ignore it.
Gabe: [00:16:24] Listen here’s what I’m saying, you think about the things that happened as a kid and as a young adult. A lot. And it brings it up. You are clearly unhappy about this and other members of your family know that you’re unhappy about this and try to fix it. Albeit apparently poorly. And I completely agree that all of these things are true. The question that I have for you this is the only question that I want you to answer. Do you want him to apologize because you want an apology? Or do you want him to apologize because you miss your brother and you want to mend the relationship?
Michelle: [00:16:56] Yes, I would like to mend the relationship.
Gabe: [00:16:58] Ok, well then say that. Say that the reason that you think about this so much is because you’re sad that you’re fighting with your brother.
Michelle: [00:17:05] And I’ve had friends who’ve met my brother on multiple occasions and have told me your brother’s a dick.
Gabe: [00:17:11] Yeah, he sounds like a real dick. Listen –
Michelle: [00:17:13] I’m just saying. I’m just saying.
Gabe: [00:17:14] I am not saying that he is not. Your brother’s a dick. I’m saying that you need to understand your own motivation because until you do I don’t think you’re gonna get over it. And I think a lot of our listeners have somebody in their life that they feel this way about. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, in some cases it’s like a parent or a guardian. It’s somebody who helped raised them or an authority figure and they’re all ruminating on this day in and day out. And if they don’t fix the relationship or get over the relationship it either a handcuffs them in the present like it’s handcuffed to you because you’re thinking about this right now and it is occupying way too much of your space for some dude who doesn’t even live in the country. And two, you just need to let it go and decide hey look this relationship isn’t for me and stop thinking about it. Frankly I don’t think any of this has anything to do with schizophrenia. I don’t think it does. It has everything to do with the fact that familiar relationships our family our friends, that’s the kind of stuff that fucks you up.
Michelle: [00:18:10] I think what it has to do with schizophrenia is the fact that I’ll think about it and I’ll just scrape into my head and it creeps in the deep dark depths of my head and I’ll just go around and around and around and around.
Gabe: [00:18:22] You want to know who my big brother is? You want to know who does that for me? You want to know who creeps into my head and just turns around and around and won’t let go ever? My biological father. The dude is dead. He is dead and I think about him the exact same way you think about your brother.
Michelle: [00:18:41] Really?
Gabe: [00:18:41] Yeah he’s dead. He can’t apologize. He can’t make up for it. It’s over. I won because I didn’t die of alcoholism.
Michelle: [00:18:49] I can get why.
Gabe: [00:18:50] Why did you hate me? That’s all I can think about, why did he hate me? And now you’re gonna do the exact same thing that I just did for you. You’re gonna be like, “Dude, he didn’t hate you he was a dick. He was an alcoholic. He abandoned his kid.” This is the level that we torture ourselves.
Michelle: [00:19:02] I get that though. When a parent chooses alcohol over a kid. I can understand why the kid feels very upset.
Gabe: [00:19:10] Oh, look I don’t think he chose alcohol over me. I think he chose literally anything. I think he would have chosen like a blowing leaf over me.
Michelle: [00:19:18] Sometimes, a father is just a sperm.
Gabe: [00:19:20] Yeah. You know I call on my sperm donor.
Michelle: [00:19:22] Yeah. That’s sometimes just what a father is.
Gabe: [00:19:25] But this is the biggest rumination that I have because I wonder how did he know? On the day that I was born, that I was broken and worthless? How come he knew what nobody else can figure out?
Michelle: [00:19:37] He didn’t know that.
Gabe: [00:19:37] But, I mean –
Michelle: [00:19:38] He knew he was broken.
Gabe: [00:19:41] He didn’t know that. He had a good life. He was happy. He died fine.
Michelle: [00:19:44] No, he wasn’t happy, he was an alcoholic.
Gabe: [00:19:46] Yeah, a happy one.
Michelle: [00:19:47] No, there’s no happy alcoholics.
Gabe: [00:19:50] You know that whole self medicating thing it doesn’t play sometimes. I don’t think he was self medicating at all. I think he was just a guy that did whatever he wanted and said whatever he wanted and behaved however. He was just immature.
Michelle: [00:20:00] Then he wasn’t ready to be a dad.
Gabe: [00:20:03] I mean he was very young. My mother got pregnant in high school and he was also in high school.
Michelle: [00:20:07] So ok, that makes a little bit better.
Gabe: [00:20:08] But he never made up for it. I saw him on his deathbed. He was in hospice. He had jaundice, his eyes were yellow. They told me had less than two weeks to live. And I’m like, “Do you have anything to say to me?” And he was like, “It’s your mom’s fault.”
Michelle: [00:20:23] That’s what he said?
Gabe: [00:20:23] That’s pretty much what he said.
Michelle: [00:20:25] He’s a dick.
Gabe: [00:20:26] Oh, yeah.
Michelle: [00:20:26] Like he’s a dick. Your biological dad, he’s a dick.
Gabe: [00:20:29] But why can’t I get over it?
Michelle: [00:20:31] Because he’s your dad.
Gabe: [00:20:33] Yeah I got a dad. He’s alive. He lives in Tennessee. He’s cool.
Michelle: [00:20:35] Because he’s a part of you.
Gabe: [00:20:37] And I’m not trying to be crass here, but he’s just a guy who had sex with my mom. I appreciate the DNA and all
Michelle: [00:20:45] But if you can say that, then why can’t you get over it?
Gabe: [00:20:48] Exactly. And that’s why it ruminates because the intellectual part of Gabe Howard thinks –
Michelle: [00:20:54] So are you mad at your mom for boning this dude?
Gabe: [00:20:57] No. Well, I mean, I’m mad at my mom for giving me life but that’s like a whole ‘nother episode. I don’t understand why I got to be born and why I have to be born broken and why I’m here.
Michelle: [00:21:08] There’s a reason why you’re here and there’s a purpose here and it’s.
Gabe: [00:21:12] I don’t I don’t believe that.
Michelle: [00:21:13] Purpose. I believe that there’s always a reason why you’re here.
Gabe: [00:21:17] You believe in vape pens.
Michelle: [00:21:20] You believe in Diet Coke. Maybe there’s a universe of no diet coke.
Gabe: [00:21:23] That’s mean.
Michelle: [00:21:24] You’re not there. That’s near here.
Gabe: [00:21:27] That’s mean.
Michelle: [00:21:28] You’re here to drink Diet Coke.
Gabe: [00:21:30] Michelle, seriously. Seriously, none of this is serving either one of us so why do we do it?
Michelle: [00:21:36] Because it doesn’t go away.
Gabe: [00:21:39] And why doesn’t it go away?
Michelle: [00:21:40] I don’t know why it doesn’t go away.
Gabe: [00:21:42] Exactly. Judging by our emails a lot of our listeners have this problem where they just have this thing that they just can’t get over. And if they have learned nothing by listening to this show it’s that they’re not alone. A lot of people have these things that they just can’t get over and I think that anybody listening to me and you for the last 20 minutes would think wow these two need to get over that because it’s not serving them in any way.
Michelle: [00:22:05] Just a little bit. Don’t you think?
Gabe: [00:22:06] But we’re not letting it go. I hope that maybe they listen to us and they realize how unhelpful this is to just not get over and they think wow I don’t want to be like them and they let go of their anger and the things that they’re just ruminating on and can’t get over. But I suspect that a lot of people are gonna hang on to that rumination and I hope that they find some way to minimize it because at the end of the day Michelle we have minimized it. It is not impacting us the same way at our current age. That it probably did 10 years ago. Do you think you think about this less now than you did five years ago?
Michelle: [00:22:44] Oh definitely much less.
Gabe: [00:22:45] So there really is some wisdom in time heals all wounds.
Michelle: [00:22:49] And you know living in another country.
Gabe: [00:22:52] So I had to kill my biological father. You had to send your brother to another country and now suddenly we’re getting better. That’s fantastic. That is definitely actionable advice. Everybody is excited that they listen to this episode of a bipolar schizophrenic podcast because now they can beat their own ruminations with death and deportation.
Michelle: [00:23:15] Yes.
Gabe: [00:23:16] Not every episode can be a winner ladies and gentlemen but we hope you got something out of it. Thank you for tuning into this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Don’t forget to hop over to store.PsychCentra.com, there is a few shirts left. This is the last time. Literally the last time we will ever pitch the “Define Normal” shirts on this show. So if you have been hanging on wanting to buy one, now is the time. Thank you everybody. Please like us everywhere and we will see you next time.
Michelle: [00:23:45] He’s a dick!
Announcer: [00:23:50]You’ve been listening to a bipolar a schizophrenic kind of podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review to work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com Show’s official Web site PsychCentral.com/bsp you can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening and share widely.
Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts
GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.
MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.
Podcast, N. (2019). Podcast: Dwelling on the Past Mistakes Caused by Mental Illness. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 20, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-dwelling-on-the-past-mistakes-caused-by-mental-illness/