Have you realized that you need to consciously allow another person to love you?
If youre not used to being loved, your default position may be to push people away. For example, a reader recently wrote:
I got really close to someone, then I did what I always do, I found the nearest exit and sprinted away to the single life.
Been doing this forever. As soon as the other person really loves me, I fight, flee or freeze.
In my family, I never felt good enough and always failed to make my parents proud. Feeling unloved and trusting very few people, I find it’s easier to stand alone.
Vulnerability goes against my grain, so when I do fall in love, I never let it last long. For the life of me, I cant let someone love me!
Understanding them is the key to ending the relationship sabotage. What follows are 10 reasons why you might be scared of love and comments to help you overcome.
The following 10 beliefs may be preventing you from accepting love.
1. When someone loves you, they will leave you.
If you have been left in the past, you may anticipate that whoever loves you is going to leave. You want to avoid that pain, so you run from the relationship.
Of course, you shouldnt blindly trust people who have not demonstrated commitment, either.
The key here is to move slowly. Share your concerns at the right time and pay attention for signs of commitment and loyalty. Its even a good idea to write down the signs of commitment (or lack thereof) that you observe. Keep your feet on the ground and keep moving ahead slowly.
2. When someone loves you, they will expect too much of you.
Usually people will expect love and commitment from you in return. Your partner will want to be a high priority in your life, which may require sacrifice on your part. Is it worth it? I dont know. How badly do you want a committed relationship?
Its important to remember that expectations are a healthy part of a solid relationship. Yet, knowing how much is too much can be tricky. Every relationship is different. Again, this is a concern to share with your partner and come to an equitable agreement.
Youll learn a lot about your partner if you say something like:
I want to meet your needs, but Im having a hard time knowing what is fair. I feel like when you want me to do the dishes every night, you are taking advantage of me. What do you think?
3. When someone loves you, they will know too much about you.
This anxiety is a major block to intimacy. We want to spare ourselves the risk of being discovered for the bad person we believe we are. So, we hide everything. This prevents mutual sharing of the joys and pains of life.
If youre feeling unworthy of love because of your past, then youve got to square yourself with your past. Interestingly, stepping fully into the present is the best way to put the past in its place.
4. When someone loves you, they will disappoint you.
Yes, they will. Nobody lives up to every expectation. People make mistakes, get lazy and forget their priorities. You will, too.
Prepare for this one. A great way to deal with disappointment is to let your partner know where you stand. Do it respectfully. From there, you can negotiate what happens next. Why would you withhold your disappointment and not give your partner an opportunity to make good?
5. When someone loves, you they will hurt your feelings.
They will. Let them know. Dont express your hurt as anger or resentment. Express your hurt as hurt. Simple. You can say the following: When you (fill in the blank) it hurt my feelings. Did you mean to do that?
Again, youll learn a lot about your relationship by the way your partner responds.
6. When someone loves you, they will control you.
If youre used to being controlled, you may attract controlling people. Recognizing this up front helps to notice any red flags as you enter new relationships.
If youre already in a controlling relationship, then you can look for your part in it. Do you always say yes? Do you act helpless? Do you procrastinate and invite intervention? How good are you at making independent decisions when appropriate?
If you are not available to be controlled, then you cant be controlled.
7. When someone loves you, they will deprive you.
People who are supposed to love you, ignore you. They use you or only pay attention to you when they want something, right? If youre used to being deprived, you may let all this slide.
The truth is, people who get their needs met consistently arent just lucky. They express their needs and work to meet others needs, too. How are you doing in this department?
Of course there is a likelihood that one or more of your family members do not like your partner. Now what? Listen to their side of the story, thats what. Then, take it into consideration as you make your choice. Your choice.
The worst thing you can do is insist on being with someone just because your family disapproves.
9. When someone loves you, you will lose your friends.
Youll have to scale back on time with friends. So, this is a matter of priorities. Ive known of people who get into committed relationships who dont want to sacrifice time with friends. Usually, their partner comes to me for coaching, stating that the relationship isnt working.
Its a reality, there are only so many days in a week. It may help to remember that you arent necessarily going to lose your friends. Youll be spending less time with them, though.
10. When someone loves you, you will lose yourself.
Its all about boundaries. How can you be in a fully committed relationship and not lose yourself? It may help to know that this is a question for the ages. Its an issue for all of us.
Getting into the right frame of mind may help clarify the issue. When you commit to another person, you do not become ONE with that person. That implies losing yourself. A healthy relationship adds an element to who you are. It doesnt detract.
Maybe its better to suggest that you become a team. A even though corporations throughout the world claim that there is no I in team, there absolutely is! You are a person with another person. You work together, negotiate, respect each other and maintain your individuality as you do these things.
Is not to do anything special to embrace the love coming your way. Its more helpful to identify why you are resisting. Then, stop resisting.
When you cease to block your partners love, it will go right in.
To set up and maintain a relationship the right way, consider Jake and Hannah Eagle’s Dating, Relating and Mating online program. This is a world class, comprehensive guide to setting up your relationship to last.
Most of the beliefs above are related to the deeper issue of self-sabotage. To understand how self-sabotage works subconsciously to destroy your happiness, watch this free and enlightening video.
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