My mother wanted things to go her way and when they didnt, she needed someone to blame. That someone was always me, not my older brother. I did my best to stay under her radar but it didnt work; everything was always my fault. And you know what? I believed her.
Mothers (and fathers) who are high in narcissistic traits and see their children as extensions of themselvesand not as individualsdont just play favorites but frequently make one child the scapegoat in the family. Scapegoating is one way of exerting control since the other children in the family become highly motivated to please their parent in whatever way they canand serves to keep the attention on the narcissistic parent which is precisely what he or she wants. Parents who are highly controlling use scapegoating as a tool as well, though its often repackaged and presented as necessary discipline. These mothers say things like I wouldnt have to punish you if youd listened in the first place or If you were thoughtful like your brother, you would have closed the door and the dog wouldnt have gotten out. Lost sweaters and keys, lateness, broken objects and rulesevery crack in the veneer of family life that the controlling parent needs to be perfectare pinned on the scapegoated child, though in some families this may be a revolving role. The truth is that its bullying dressed up as something else.
The author of one study on scapegoating observed that having someone designated to take the blame allows a parent to paint much rosier picture of the familys dynamic since, presumably, life would be just grand if it werent for that pesky troublemaker. Needless to say, having a scapegoat around also makes it possible for the parent not to take responsibility for how the family functions. For the parent high in narcissistic or controlling traits, this is a win-win situation.
Needless to say, theres no way to win for the child who is blamed for everything. Not in the moment, not after, andheres the big dealnot even in adulthood.
How the messages of childhood get internalized
As Ive written before, the world the child inhabits is very small, and her mother has great power to shape not just how that world functions but how it is understood. Scapegoating always includes verbal abuse, including generalizing about a childs character or personality. Needless to say, in the absence of other voices imparting positive messages about who she is, the daughter internalizes whats said to her as essential truths about herself. She may be told that shes too emotional or sensitive when she shows shes been hurt, or that shes careless or uncaring, difficult or lazy. These messages undermine her sense of herself, and co-exist with other messages she may hear from teachers, neighbors, friends, or members of her extended family. Alas, they do not balance out; its a psychological truism that a painful experience delivers a more lasting impression on the developing brain than a positive one.
5 lasting effects of childhood scapegoating
As counterintuitive as it may seem, the adult may normalize his or her experiences as the family scapegoat, wrongly believing that all families function in similar ways. Because the adult still wants maternal or paternal love and support, he or she is more likely to rationalize the behavior than to confront it head-on. Since society tends to feel that our parents did the best they couldyes, honor your parentsit takes an act of will along with an epiphany or two to actually admit what went on. It often takes a third-partya friend, a lover, a therapistto point out the toxicity of the family dynamic and the maternal or paternal behaviors. The following observations are drawn from the interviews conducted for my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life.
- A warped view of relationships
The take-away from these families of origin is that love is a transaction, earned or denied and as long as that unconscious mental model persists, the adult will approach all relationships with hesitation and doubt. Often, the daughter or son armors himself, choosing to go solo rather than risk rejection or pain.
- Becoming a fault-finder him or herself
The scapegoated child doesnt learn mental flexibility or resilience when things dont go as planned, and he or she may either resort to self-criticism when things go souththis is the mental habit of attributing setbacks to fixed character flawsor to blaming others. Its ironic but its hard world-view to shake.
- Lacking a sense of belonging
Being an outlier in your family of originthe very people who are supposed to love and support youleaves lasting scars unless they are addressed directly. Feeling as though he or she doesnt belong may actually co-exist with close adult relationships.
- Damage to his or her sense of self
The internalized messages of being somehow inadequate, lacking, unlovable, or incorrigible may co-exist with real-world admiration and achievements, along with the habit of self-criticism and blame. Therapy is the best way to address these issues but they can also benefit from self-help, especially learning how to have self-compassion and turn off the critical tape in your head.
- Repeating the pattern in adult relationships
We are all drawn to the familiar and unless the adult becomes consciously aware of how he or she was affected in childhood, the chances are good that he or she will be drawn to partners and friends who are high in narcissistic or controlling traits, alas. Breaking the pattern is possible through relearning behaviors and conscious awareness.
Scapegoating is cruel and abusive. Period and end of story.
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