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Instant Chemistry Doesn’t Mean True Love

Instant attraction isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Do you want to find true love in a more relaxed way, without all the pressure of everyone knowing that you’re “looking?” But how do you know when you’ve finally found “true love”, especially when you’re meeting so many people? True love seems to be everywhere and all around you.

You may believe you’ll recognize true love when you see it, or you’re depending on instant chemistry to know if your new love is “the one”, but if that’s really how it works, then why have you and many others just like you had your hearts broken so many times before?

Why has everyone gotten fooled, led down the garden path, and rolled over in past relationships if you “know” true love just by the look and feel of it?

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After all, even with celebrities who seem to have it all, relationships come and go, fizzing out in the blink of an eye. It sometimes seems like a relationship graveyard out there! Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon… Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin… so many relationships ending before their time.

It all makes true love seem like a bright, shiny object that’s just out of reach, leading many to ask, “Is there really such a thing as true love at all?”

The problem is, you’ve been trained to think of love as a feeling of intensity. The intensity of your desire. The intensity of your longing and yearning, the intensity of your chemical, sexual attraction.

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You’ve been trained that this glorious, unconscious, primal intensity signals “true love,” that it’s the “relationship glue” that makes you feel deeply attached to a partner.

I used to be all about that feeling — I was seduced by the intensity and never failed to believe it meant I had a “relationship” and not just a fling.

But is true love really like a bolt of lightning that comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away?

But “Intensity” just doesn’t feel like the kind of “glue” that can hold a relationship together. Even worse, months into a relationship based on just intensity, doesn’t it always turn out that you’re not feeling quite so “intense” about things anymore? The truth is that intensity always fades and that’s when relationships begin to fail.

Your man’s suddenly not paying so much attention to you. The sex isn’t mind-blowing. The dates aren’t as fun. You start feeling the pain of the longing, the yearning, the wanting more.

And then your insecurities start to kick in. They create resentment and anger, so you start working harder to make the relationship work. And that’s when things really start to go downhill.

As you start feeling fear and anger (and working so hard to fix things) the relationship gets fuzzier as reality gets clearer. You realize that all this time you haven’t taken genuine steps toward an actual, real partnership.

You haven’t bothered to learn what each other’s needs are, or how to meet them. You haven’t learned how to communicate with each other to deepen the relationship. You’ve been swept along by intensity and thought that it was doing the work of connection. Now you have to start from scratch to create a real connection — and do it on the bones of your insecurity and feelings of being off-balance.

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But before you can find true love, you must learn how to “fall.” In other words, actual love takes letting go of your thoughts enough to experience your feelings in the presence of your partner.

And to let go like that — to fall like that — you need trust, depth, conversation, dependability, consistency, and the emotional connection you crave.

It’s the falling that creates true love. When you’re with someone for a very long time, companionably and harmoniously, it’s a meeting of minds and hearts that day-by-day create a deeper connection instead of just superficial intensity.

So go for it!

Make sure you and your love “fall into” and celebrate the connection and quality of your relationship instead of chasing the intensity level… this is the real gold that’s right there under the surface, ready for you to grab instead of getting distracted by “bright shiny objects” that seem like “true love”.

This guest article originally appeared on Why Looking For ‘Instant Chemistry’ In A New Relationship Means It’s Doomed To Fail.

Instant Chemistry Doesn’t Mean True Love

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APA Reference
Guest Author, P. (2018). Instant Chemistry Doesn’t Mean True Love. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 27, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 19 Nov 2018 (Originally: 19 Nov 2018)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 19 Nov 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.