Blue in the Face: When the Other Person Just Doesn’t ‘Get It’
Have you felt frustrated because someone close to you just doesn’t “get it,” even though you’ve explained your point over and over? During those times, do you feel yourself getting enraged or shaking your head in disgust?
We’re often under the illusion that if only the other person understood “the facts” (as we see them), he’d embrace our position. When he doesn’t, we’re perplexed and frustrated. In those moments, it’s hard to imagine that the other person has his own version of “the facts.” That what we strongly adhere to may differ from his deeply entrenched beliefs. And that just as strongly as you believe you’re right, he believes you’re wrong.
So what can you do if you are in such a helpless position? Just give up? Spew venom? Walk away disgusted? Yes, those are the “easy” options. But, if you really care about the relationship, here are other options that may lead you down a more productive path.
1. Be curious about how the other person came to think the way he thinks.
Sometimes, it all makes sense once you understand another’s background and experience. (“What makes you feel so strongly about this issue?”)
2. Tell me more.
When the other person opens up and shares with you something about his background and experience, don’t shut the conversation down. Show interest by asking for more information.
3. Look for a point of agreement.
Even if you differ strongly on 90% of things, there’s probably something that you can both agree on. If so, state it respectfully. (“At least, we both recognize that this is a serious matter.”)
4. Make your point with a statement, not a question.
(“The way I look at it is…” vs. “Why can’t you see what’s so obvious?”)
5. Tell a personal story to illustrate your point.
People tend to soften when they listen to such stories. (“My father was in Vietnam and this is what he shared with me …”)
6. Frame your position in a way that makes sense to you rather than defending yourself from an attack.
(“It’s not that I’m against rules for kids; It’s that I’m for letting kids learn from their own mistakes.”)
7. If the other person is trying to “hook you,” don’t take the bait.
(“Your calling me names does not help us understand each other better.”)
8. Create closure to your conversation before you say what you may later regret.
(“Clearly we see things differently; we’re not going to change each other. So, let’s agree to disagree and call it a day.”)
I’d like to be clear that these suggestions are not geared toward getting the other person to change. They are simply ways to open up the dialogue between people who view things differently.
Sapadin, L. (2018). Blue in the Face: When the Other Person Just Doesn’t ‘Get It’. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 14, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/he-just-doesnt-get-it/