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Do You Need an “Interesting” Man?

how to stop beating yourself upMany marriage minded women complain that men they meet aren’t “interesting.” Such comments jolt me.

Interesting can be fine, but not if you expect all stimulation to come from outside yourself. Women who are already enjoying life, rather than waiting around for someone to light up their world, attract men naturally.

We create our own excitement when we keep growing and learning. By pursuing our interests, whether through work, hobbies, clubs, or whatever else we’re drawn to, we feel glad to be alive. Our glow attracts likeminded people, some of whom we’re likely to find interesting in turn.

Do You Two Have Enough Similar Interests?

Couples in good marriages tend have enough similar interests to be compatible, assuming they are well-matched overall. Common interests often bring people together and then feed the relationship. You may meet your future husband in a class or club, on a ski slope, at a lecture, or anywhere else that interests both of you.   

It’s fine to want to marry someone whom you find interesting. But don’t expect him to save you from boredom, because that’s a do-it-yourself task.

“Interesting” is an overrated trait to look for in someone outside of yourself. If you’re easily bored, and I’m going to be blunt here: Stop being boring. Find things to do that make you happy; and then do them!  

If you’re usually quite stimulated by your own life and activities, you might actually be happier with a sweet, calm, easygoing man than with an “interesting” one who has an unusual lifestyle, impressive accomplishments, a fascinating hobby, or something else.

Do you want to be entertained or would you feel more fulfilled by an empathic, easygoing person with whom you enjoy hanging out and conversing?  

Is There Room for Both of You?

It’s fine if a man is interesting, but think about how he treats you. Ask yourself, “Does he show interest in me? Is there room for both of us in our conversations? If your answer is “yes” to these questions, good! You want someone who is interested in you, not just full of himself, right?

If you are looking for a good marriage partner, chemistry should be there of course. It’s also important for him to have the character traits that really matter and for the two of you to have similar values, enough shared interests, and intellectual compatibility.

By allowing passionate feelings to take over before you really know him, you may think of him as a perfect fairytale prince who’s here to rescue your inner Cinderella. You’re likely to be happier in the long run if you keep your brain in charge, so that you’ll view him realistically as a person with his own unique mix of strengths and shortcomings.

Brittany’s Story

Brittany’s story shows why it is so important to maintain your individuality while in a relationship. Brittany enjoyed a successful career as a psychologist who helped many people. She wanted to marry but something was amiss in her dating pattern. Her effervescence attracted men. She was full of life and kept busy with her varied interests and friendships  until she was in a relationship. Then, she would drop her interests and spend less time with friends.

Brittany would become so dependent on the man she was involved with to make her life meaningful that she became a shell of her former self, and therefore, less appealing to the man. After each relationship ended, she would feel empty inside and depressed. It would take her some time to return to her former happy self, who would attract a new man, and then she would repeat her cycle.

The moral, of course, is to stay interesting. Do not lose yourself in a relationship. Stay in touch with who you are and what makes you happy.

Staying Interesting

Just in case you’re still wondering how to meet someone who is interesting, take a look in the mirror, because it just might be you!

Ultimately, you are likely to be happier in life and in marriage by becoming your own interesting self by striving to fulfill your potential and by using your unique gifts, which you can offer to your relationship and to the world.

A good marriage provides a foundation that supports both partners in ways that help them continue to grow as a couple, and also as separate, interesting individuals over time.

Do You Need an “Interesting” Man?

Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW

Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted (New World Library, 2014, audiobook, 2020), has a private psychotherapy practice in San Rafael, California. She offers and workshops for couples and singles, and continuing education classes for therapists at NASW conferences and online. She has taught also at the UCSF School of Medicine, UC Berkeley Extension, and Alliant International University. A former executive director of a family service agency, she earlier held senior level positions in child welfare, alcoholism treatment, and psychiatry.

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APA Reference
Berger, M. (2018). Do You Need an “Interesting” Man?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 30, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Jul 2018 (Originally: 18 Jun 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Jul 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.