As you correctly noted in your letter, you were a child. You didn’t know any better. Children can’t consent because they are too young. Their brains are underdeveloped. The law recognizes that children do not possess the “legal capacity” to give consent.
You did not sexually abuse anyone. You were doing what children do, which is exploring sexuality. Perhaps if you hadn’t been left alone, something like this would’ve never happened.
You were too young to have been left home unsupervised. Many child advocacy organizations believe that leaving a six or seven-year-old at home and unsupervised is inappropriate and constitutes neglect. They recommend ages that typically range between 10 and 12 years of age. If a parent decides to leave a child home alone, they are wholly responsible for what happens when they are not there. If something bad were to happen, they could be charged with neglect, which in many states is a felony crime, and could lead to losing custody of their children. You should not have been left home unsupervised.
You are bothered by the worrisome behaviors that occurred when you were a child but those troublesome thoughts are now occurring to an adult mind and not the mind of a child. You were a child and at no time were you attempting to harm your mom’s friend’s daughter. As you said, you were mimicking what you saw on TV. You did not intend any ill will nor did you purposely attempt to hurt her. If you want to blame someone, blame the adults who left you unsupervised at such a young age.
Perhaps you are aware of Albert Bandura’s famous “Bobo Doll experiment.” It involved two groups of children. The first group had an adult engaging in aggressive play with the doll by repeatedly hitting and kicking it. The second group observed an adult calmly playing with the doll. After the observations, the children then played with the dolls. The results indicated that the first group who observed violent play was much more inclined to behave violently when they played with the toy. The second group also mimicked what they saw and played with the doll in a nice and calm manner. These findings indicate, along with repeated similar studies, that people learn through imitating observed behavior. This experiment suggests that behavior, especially violent behavior, and possibly sexual behavior, is learned through observation.
You stated that you were “exploring and modeling” what you saw on television. You were doing exactly what those children in the Bobo Doll experiment were doing–imitating observed behavior. Had you not been exposed to sexually explicit material on television, perhaps you would not have been modeling such behavior. You were left unsupervised when you were very young and that lack of supervision is probably what led you to viewing sexually explicit programming on television. It would seem that your parents are to blame for leaving you unsupervised, facilitating your exposure to inappropriate programming.
It’s time to stop blaming yourself for something that occurred when you were too young to know any better. Had you had better supervision, it’s very possible that none of this would’ve happened. Again, don’t blame yourself. Blame the people who left you unsupervised.
Good luck and please take care.