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Bothered Over Dreams of Women

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I’m highly confused over these dreams of former crushes that I’ve had for over a year now, since my current lifestyle does not lend itself well for dating. Due to a wealth of insecurities, I’ve lost interest in the opposite sex even if I had the chance, and also get annoyed when some discussed the topic with me. Since I’ve been able to do so much independently (friends, traveling, finish school), the benefits of being single for me far outweigh those of romance, except for the annoying, pretentious stories I see from people coupling up on SM. Therefore it seems as if mingling should be the last thing on my mind, apparently except in my subconsciousness.

It all started with a dream where I was pretty serious with a girl that I took to a play years ago, even though she’s taken in real life, but I’m not too surprised since I kept up with her during a time she got a sweet real estate position. But now I’ve had more such dreams increasing in intensity, and I’m up in arms after a dream I had involving a girl who in real life I was close to asking out but I chose not to because I was going off to uni without her, and she had some eccentricities that were a bit off-putting. I’ve reconnected with her recently, but I had a dream a few weeks ago where I engaged in a long kissing session, brought flowers and even asked her to marry me. The last dream has made me upset because I want to enjoy life just as it is now, but having dreams over something that I no longer desire makes me feel like a hypocrite and a walking contradiction.

Why am I having all these dreams??? As stated since the thought of women and dating make me cower, is there even a remote chance I can keep them from happening?? (From the USA)

Bothered Over Dreams of Women

Answered by on -

A.

Let’s look at the core reason for an answer to your question. There are 2 important underlying causes:

  1. “… my current lifestyle does not lend itself well for dating.”
  2. “… a wealth of insecurities…”

You say that due to these two features have been the reason you have “… lost interest in the opposite sex…”

This makes sense as you have neither the opportunity due to your lifestyle nor the confidence right now to move ahead and date. The lack of opportunity and insecurity make perfect sense in inhibiting your dating.

Yet both of these are due to circumstance rather than lack of desire. Your external situation (you are saying) isn’t conducive, and neither is your internal state. Both are inhibitors, obstacles to your natural desire. They are blocking what you want and you have learned not to want it as a result.

When we go on a diet our metabolism eventually realizes there is less food coming in and slows down. When what we want isn’t available our conscious mind dials the desire back, so we don’t spend a lot of time for something we don’t believe is possible to get.

But our unconscious mind doesn’t have these restrictions. The insecurities and opportunities in the dream state are removed and in the fantasy, you can get what you want. I notice that you didn’t say you were repulsed during the dream — it was only afterward you were upset.

The next time you have such a dream when you wake up dream the dream forward. Imagine the dream is two acts of a three-act play and you get to write the third act. In other words, end the dream in a way that is satisfying. This might take you a few efforts, trying different ways to wrap yourself around the content, but it will give you the sense that you can shape your dream in such a way as to be helpful and not distressing. You need to manage the dream to have it end in a way that feels more integrated with your life than it is right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Bothered Over Dreams of Women

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2020). Bothered Over Dreams of Women. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/07/24/bothered-over-dreams-of-women/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 23 Jul 2020 (Originally: 24 Jul 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 23 Jul 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.