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Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Enjoy Sex?

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From a teen in the U.S.: 1’m an 18 year old female recently in a forming relationship with a 17 year old male (M). I’m worried about M for a few reasons and would like some help.

He doesn’t seem to enjoy sex at all. He gets in the mood and we start having sex and then afterwards, when he finishes, he tells me he hates having sex and doesn’t enjoy it. I know he’s had detached sex in the past with girls who didn’t care much about him, but he claims this isn’t the issue. His penis is also recently cut near the tip and he finds it painful to masturbate or have intercourse. I’m worried about him, as I obviously want him to enjoy the experience as much as I do.

How can I help him? Could this be a warning sign of depression? He often feels crap about things and is irritable or tired. But I’m wondering if he could possibly just dislike sex for no reason. How do we work around this? I need help because he doesn’t want to speak to a medical professional himself.

Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Enjoy Sex?

Answered by on -


You’ve hinted at many reasons your boyfriend isn’t enjoying sex. It hurts. He has a history with unsatisfying sex. His irritability may be a sign of depression, or it may be a sign that he is feeling pressure from you and from himself about being more sexual than he wants to be. In addition, at 17, he may not feel confident about himself as a sexual partner and he may not be ready for that level of intimacy with you.

I think your emphasis on sex is misplaced. It sounds to me like the way to become closer is to increase loving attention and your intimacy as a couple before getting so concerned about sex. That means just enjoying each other’s company. It means sharing what is most important to you. It means enjoying kisses and back rubs and safe and leisurely touch. Sex usually follows naturally when a couple feels safe, close, and loving.

In addition, your boyfriend should see a doctor about the injury, just to make sure there isn’t an infection. If he isn’t getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night, his irritability may only be about that. But if he is getting good sleep, then his tiredness and irritability may be a sign of depression. In that case, he could benefit from seeing a counselor. Regardless, what he needs most from you is to back off from sex and focus on love and intimacy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Enjoy Sex?

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Enjoy Sex?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 17 Jul 2020 (Originally: 19 Jul 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 17 Jul 2020
Published on Psych All rights reserved.