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Why Do I Have Weird Thoughts?

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From a young woman in Egypt: . I was a sensitive child since I was young. When I was something like 4/5 years old, I was “touched” by older male relatives inappropriately. This was a one-time incident and it didn’t happen again.  After a year or two, my body began developing and I was so insecure. With this began again what I -personally- perceive as sexual abuse (please correct me if I am wrong). This time it was my father. I must mention that he was a normal father. He didn’t hit me. However, he did touch me inappropriately sometimes. Also, every time when I try to give him an innocent kiss on the cheek, he forces a kiss on the lips instead. He knew I get annoyed, but continued to do that nonetheless. Because of that, I never kissed him again (I was still in elementary school). It wasn’t an every day thing, but whenever he gets the chance to “touch”; he does it. He also sometimes “;jokingly” made sexual hints to me.
Ever since I was in elementary school, I started daydreaming excessively. The amount of daydreams kept increasing. It increased to the point that I never really paid attention in class anymore. My life was inside my head.
When at home, I kept daydreaming while pacing. All my social interactions are inside my head. I have been a stay-at-home for 3 years now, and I never missed my friends or relatives.

Another thing that annoyed me, and still does, is thoughts that come and go. The thoughts were about checking for cameras inside my room and in the bathroom. I did things before I sleep so that I will know if he did something to me while I am sleeping. I always was checking my body for any clues. Ever since I was a kid, I had bad dreams about my father sexually abusing me. The number of dreams about abuse greatly exceeds the number of abuse incidents. I always wake up from these dreams disgusted.

Nowadays, I sometimes have thoughts that my father somehow killed my mother while I am asleep. I always go check if she is alive or not. This may sound weird, but sometimes I feel as if he was emitting devilish/evil vibes. Also, the dreams about abuse became more rape-like. Is this normal?

Why Do I Have Weird Thoughts?

Answered by on -

A.

No. It isn’t normal. I’m so sorry that you are haunted by these thoughts and nightmares. I don’t have enough information to determine if you were actually sexually abused more than the incidents you mentioned or if you were so anxious you (or your mother) might be assaulted that you developed the behaviors that are common in victims of trauma.

When little kids feel threatened, they can’t leave physically. They are dependent on the very people they fear. So they “leave” in their heads. I have a guess that is what happened to you. You feel safest when you are at home or in your daydreams.

Even though you are older now and can probably fend off unwanted advances, you became so convinced you will be hurt again you haven’t been able to let go of your old coping strategies and develop new ones. Again, this isn’t uncommon in traumatized kids. You may meet the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

To get free of your past, you would benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. If you can’t get to a therapist, do some reading to learn more about the effects of trauma and how you can help yourself. Join one of the forums here at PsychCentral for some peer support.

You are only 25. You deserve to have a life that includes friendship and love. You deserve to walk confidently in the world, free of the anxiety and fears.

Please follow up. Get yourself the help you need to live the life you were meant to live.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

Why Do I Have Weird Thoughts?

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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). Why Do I Have Weird Thoughts?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 7, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/07/17/why-do-i-have-weird-thoughts/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 16 Jul 2020 (Originally: 17 Jul 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 16 Jul 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.