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I Developed Feelings for My Friend with Benefits

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We dated for a month or so in Jan. but cut it off when we realized neither of us wants a relationship Took a week apart and got back as friends with benefits. It’s been 4-5 months and we hooked up twice We both know we still had feelings for each other but agreed to keep it as FWB because she does not want a relationship I developed stronger feelings as time went on and she just told me today she lost feelings for me a few weeks ago I was so hurt and I felt betrayed and as she lied to me, gaslight me, and took advantage because she didn’t tell me she lost feelings During that time, she said plenty of things to me that would insinuate we were a little bit more than friends I care for her deeply as I am an empath but she claims she doesn’t want me Also, during this past month, we have had countless long-winded “talks” about me stressing she needs to communicate with me about what it is that was going on because she became distant after we hooked up for the last time She admitted she gets post-sex blues, which we talked about before, but I didn’t realize that’s what it was. She feels like during those days after we hooked up and next weeks I overwhelming her when I was trying to understand why she was being so cold and distant and she said it was too much for her So she detached herself from me but continued to talk to me like everything was fine I really like her and I want it to work with her but I’m hurt because I feel like she lied to me about what it was she wanted. I think the issues is I care about her more than she cares about me I’m taking a break from her right now to get my mind right but I eventually want to go back I want her to have feelings for me again but I don’t know how to get the spark back But I also don’t know if I’m being delusional because she said she doesn’t want a relationship right now That’s kind of code for “I don’t want you” so I tried to move on but I can’t I’m trying to do things right this time What do I do?

I Developed Feelings for My Friend with Benefits

Answered by on -

A.

Those who have ‘friends with benefits’ rarely end up with either. What is surprising about your email is how clear your friend was and how you didn’t want to acknowledge it. Let’s review the path of your relationship through your own words.

You dated only for a month before shifting to a friend with benefits.
You stayed as FWB “… because she does not want a relationship.”
You developed stronger feelings … as she lost feelings.
You care for her deeply… she doesn’t want you.
She gets post-sex blues… you didn’t realize that’s what it was.
You were trying to understand… while she was being cold and distant.
You want her to have feelings… she detached herself.
You care about her more than she cares about you.

When you ask: “What do I do?” It seems clear. At every turn from the brief dating, to the FWB stage, to the clear, unambiguous message that she doesn’t want a relationship you have ignored what she is telling you. The question isn’t what should you do–the question is why won’t you won’t accept it.

This is a question I’ll encourage you to bring to therapy. You list yourself as a freshman in college–so the counseling center there might be the best place to find someone to talk to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Developed Feelings for My Friend with Benefits

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2020). I Developed Feelings for My Friend with Benefits. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 6, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/07/16/i-developed-feelings-for-my-friend-with-benefits/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 15 Jul 2020 (Originally: 16 Jul 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 15 Jul 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.