The answer to your question is that you should get mental health treatment. That is the best way to prevent yourself from engaging in behavior that is harmful to others and that could land you in prison for the rest of your life.
You’ve already harmed people, and you have a strong desire to do it again. The fact that you’ve already done it suggests that you either lack self-control to prevent yourself from engaging in harmful behavior or you lack the inner conscience that regulates behavior. Robert Hare refers to this inner conscience as an “inner policeman, regulating our behavior even in absence of the many external controls, such as laws, our perceptions of what others expect of us, and real-life policeman.” It is these inner controls,” he says, “that make our society work.”
If you lack an “inner policeman” and are struggling to prevent yourself from regulating your own behavior, then it’s imperative that you seek help from a mental health professional. If you can’t do this yourself, and the laws of society are not enough to prevent you from harming people, then a therapist can potentially perform this function for you.
The risk of doing nothing is that you could be arrested and put into jail or prison. If you were to murder someone, you could receive a sentence of either life in prison or the death penalty. The odds of you being caught are very high. It is not a risk you should be willing to take.
Losing your freedom and having to live in a prison for the rest of your life is one of the worst outcomes imaginable. It is this fear that likely prevents some people from harming or killing others. They realize how horrific it would be to lose their freedom and to live in a prison. This is especially true in America where the prisons are uniquely harsh and inhumane.
It’s common for prisoners, especially those on death row, to be housed in solitary confinement. Solitary confinement can drive otherwise psychologically healthy individuals, insane. Many of the solitary confinement cells measure less than 8’ x 10’, no bigger than the size of a parking space. Work, education and programs of any kind are typically banned as are TVs and radios. Reading materials may not even be permitted.
Most individuals in solitary confinement are not allowed to even interact with their family. It’s common for them to spend 22 to 24 hours, each day, in their cells completely alone. Many cells don’t have windows, and the only individuals with whom they interact are guards or those providing medical treatment or psychotherapy, often through tiny slots in the prison doors. It’s worse than you can imagine.
If you don’t want to end up in prison, potentially living in solitary confinement, then it’s imperative that you identify a strategy to prevent yourself from harming or killing people. The best solution, as I mentioned earlier, is to consult a therapist. They will not be shocked by your desires. Most therapists have worked with people who have felt like you do. It’s not a crime to fantasize about killing people. It’s only a crime if you carry it out. The best solution is prevention via treatment. For your own sake, and for the sake of others, I hope you will consider it.
There are people, such as Albert Woodfox, who spent 43 years in solitary confinement. That kind of monstrous treatment happens with regularity in American prisons. If you don’t want something like that to happen you, then I strongly suggest taking this advice and getting help before it’s too late.
One final thing. You might want to check out the videos of Larry Lawton, the infamous jewel thief. He’s spent time and prison and discusses his experiences on his YouTube channel. He’s a great story teller but most importantly, you’ll learn about how terrible prison life can be. It’s not the place you want to be.
Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle