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I Don’t Want to Be Just Friends with My Ex

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From a woman in the U.S.: My ex-boyfriend I broke up in October. We would do almost EVERYTHING together before we really started being official. We kind of had a messy break up. I didn’t really reach out to him after the break up. Almost a month later he texted me asking to be friends and i agreed. Little did i know it would be rocky.

We did good for the first couple weeks and then we started fighting almost about everything and  he would be so hot and cold towards me. Recently we had a falling out because i felt like every time i would ask him to hang out, he would say he didn’t feel good. But yet he told me to let him know when i was available to hang out. So i kind of got upset and said things i probably shouldn’t of said. Then he came to a mutual friends party and was being really cold towards me and would say things to upset me.

And drinking, of course i said things i shouldn’t of said either. He left super upset, so the next day i tried reaching out to him and he wouldnt reply until finally he said “We should just keep this no talking thing going.” And he also said he wasnt mad anymore. So i told him i wish him best and i hope he finds what he’s looking for. Took him off my social media.

He’s never been so cold towards me before, and I know i’m at fault as well. We used to be such good friends, but yet i dont want to be just friends with him anymore. What should i do? Should i go into no communication and just work on myself? I’m lost and don’t know what to do at this point. Just need some advice.

I Don’t Want to Be Just Friends with My Ex

Answered by on -


I agree with your ex. Keep the not talking thing going. He tried to see if you could just be friends and found it was too difficult for him. You only confirmed that it wasn’t going to work when you had too much to drink and said things you shouldn’t have.

It’s obvious to me that neither one of you is ready to move back to a “let’s be friends” space. You apparently don’t know how to not trigger each other. You still fight.

Maybe you can pull it off in the future, but it’s clear to me the two of you have healing to do. Take a huge, huge step back. Leave each other alone. Make yourself available to find someone new.

And, please, get your drinking under control or it will hurt the next relationship too.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I Don’t Want to Be Just Friends with My Ex

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). I Don’t Want to Be Just Friends with My Ex. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 27 Jun 2020 (Originally: 30 Jun 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 27 Jun 2020
Published on Psych All rights reserved.