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I Lie to My Boyfriend Too Much

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Hello, I have a problem lying. and I hate myself for it. it’s to the point where I can be telling the truth and he does not believe me. we had a problem yesterday. he noticed scratches the hood of his car. mouths ago I keyed his car. and I lied about it. for fear, he will get mad at me. Well, I told him I did not do that to his car. I had forgotten I did put my hand on it to see how hot the car was when he got home.I thought he was up to something. He kept asking me if I was lying and to look him in the eyes. I did but then realized I was lying about putting my hand on the car. I did not scratch the car on the hood. and he said if he looks at the video footage and saw me do that. he would have me arrested. well, it turned into a fight. and me being loud. and him kicking me out because I made a scene in his house. now he wants nothing to do with me. I want to stop lying. I want him to trust me. I hate myself for what I did. I want to save this. what do I do to get him to talk to me? and how do I get him to believe me? (From the USA)

I Lie to My Boyfriend Too Much

Answered by on -

A.

There is more going on here than lying. First of all, there are at least four major things happening, lying is only the way these things are manifesting. There is property destruction, insecurity, mistrust, and acting out against your boyfriend. You are thinking he is cheating on you and checking the hood of his car to prove this to yourself. You are keying his car, a highly expensive and destructive act, and not acknowledging your anger. You are fighting with him and causing a scene when you have created the very reasons for the mistrust. Finally, you want him to trust you, when you haven’t been trustworthy.

This type of behavior tends to come from elements and issues within one’s own personality rather than from the situation. This isn’t about getting your boyfriend to talk to you and to believe you want this to happen and having regret for your actions. That typically is putting the cart before the horse. It won’t do any good to get him tp trust you and believe that you are not going to lie and destroy his property and not make a scene if you don’t work on making that change happen. I wouldn’t try to win him back until you learn how to emotionally self-regulate, and learn about what you are struggling with and how to manage it. Otherwise winning him back has no value.

Here is a test that might help you focus on what may be going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Lie to My Boyfriend Too Much

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2020). I Lie to My Boyfriend Too Much. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 30, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/06/28/i-lie-to-my-boyfriend-too-much/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 27 Jun 2020 (Originally: 28 Jun 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 27 Jun 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.