I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you have concluded that your mother is emotionally manipulative and that you see all women as using emotional manipulation to get their way. You seem to be assuming that how your mother behaves is how all women behave.
Relatedly, you said “I take people as a case by case basis” and then, in the very next line, said “I do believe that women, yes, all women, have a tendency to do certain…. things.” That is a major contradiction. If you see all women as having a tendency to do certain things, then you don’t take people on “a case by case basis.” What you are saying, in essence, is that you see all women as being like your mother. If so, this may explain your attitude about women and your inability to connect with them on a deeper level.
You are correct. Casual dating does not have any conditions. It’s also a very shallow type of relationship. It doesn’t require virtually anything of you. You’re free to do what you want, with whomever you want, whenever you want to do it. If you don’t have to commit, then you never have to worry about getting hurt. It puts you in a less vulnerable position, emotionally.
You said that you “think deep levels of attachment completely ruins a relationship.” That’s in direct opposition to what virtually all human developmental theorists believe about relationships. Not all relationships have to be deep, in fact most of them are not, and that is normal. But the inability to connect on a deep level with anyone, not even a potential life partner, is a problem.
One of the most cited and well-respected psychological theorists is Erik Erikson. His theory of psychosocial development outlines stages in the life cycle that need to be effectively resolved in order for an individual to be psychologically healthy and to prosper in life. There are eight stages in his model dealing with infancy through death.
The one perhaps most relevant to you, is that of intimacy versus isolation. This generally occurs in one’s 20s through their 40s. This stage involves bonding to another person, being able to feel the pain of another, essentially becoming selfless. That is what is supposed to happen in intimate relationships. If it does not occur, an individual may experience loneliness or isolation, according to Erikson. It may be the result of a person being too selfish to give themselves over to another person, too frightened or too hesitant. Perhaps you are too selfish, too frightened or too hesitant because of the experience with your mother. You might also simply not be ready for something deeper at this point in your life. Immaturity, limited life experience, and not having met the right person, could explain your position. That could all change in the future.
If you would like to examine this issue more depth, I would highly recommend consulting an in-person therapist. A therapist can help you to determine if there is a connection between the way your mother behaved and how you think about and interact with women. It’s important to come to a resolution, otherwise you may fail to develop the kinds of important relationships that are necessary to be a happy and psychologically well-adjusted person. The shallow nature of your interactions with women may work for now, but at some point, like most people, you may desire something deeper and more meaningful. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle